Dealing with Bullying: Ten Ways of Being: The Other Five

From Jim: This is sixteenth in a series of seventeen blog posts on workplace bullying and related topics running Monday, July 2, 2012 to Sunday, August 12, 2012.  

Phyllis Beck Kritek writes from the perspective of a female nurse in a male doctor’s world.  With these two strikes against her, she knows what it is to negotiate at an uneven table.  I cover her Masks of Manipulation in my two-part Ways People Play Dirty.  What follows is adapted from Kritek’s book, Negotiating at an Uneven Table.  Kritek expands on these more than I can in the space I am using so consider picking up her book. 

Expand and clarify the context

Think outside the box.  Make the box bigger.  Bring things into focus.  This is liberating when you feel broken, trapped into a corner, or at the mercy of authorities who “know what’s best” for you and expect your submission and compliance.  Your only limit is your imagination.  If you are the target of bullying, or merely at an uneven table, the powerbrokers are likely to have blind spots, unspoken assumptions, or are in denial about truths that are essential to the direction of the conversation (and your wellbeing).  This is your chance to add fresh perspective.  You’re at the table too.  As long as you are there, you have a voice. 

When you add perspective and expand the context, it will be threatening to some.  You will meet resistance.  Some may try to silence you.  You may be patronized, or given sympathetic sounding dismissals that lead nowhere.  You will need to be persistent.  You may need to repeat yourself, bringing people back to the larger perspective.  Expanding the context invites more resources and new alternatives among solutions you seek.  On the other hand, resistance may signal that it’s time for you to leave the table (see below). 

Before you do, though, work clearly and graciously to add the perspective that you are sure is relevant.  If and when you are challenged, ask why your suggestion is not relevant.  Kritek maintains you do not need to explain yourself. The burden is on the other to explain why additional perspective is not germane to the conversation. 

Innovate

When I was a seminary student, we would always pray before each final exam.  The teacher called on one young man to pray before the final – a brilliant, straight A student.  He asked God to help us all “have fun” with the final.  We all chuckled.  Easy for him to say.  Kritek, whom I don’t know to have been targeted by bullies (her uneven tables notwithstanding), introduces innovating as fun.  Here’s your chance to have fun: 

• Ask what the ground rules are up front, and if something is missing or unclear, speak up. 
• Suggest that the group find ten or twelve solutions, not just one.  Seriously.  It vastly expands the context (see above). 
• If a patriarch, esteemed power broker or other know-it-all is present, ask him or her if it would be okay if someone else can be in charge of part of the final solution.  These folks often carry more weight than they deserve, and might welcome the shared load.  Do it with humor. 
• Ask good questions. Be curious. Be open.  Show you can learn from anyone.  And do. 

Know what you do and do not know

When one pastor was going through his stuff, his wife and he came back to this continually.  They knew actions, and as rife as the situation was with toxic gossip and backbiting poisonous people, they had their hands full with what they knew, they didn’t have to add speculation to anything.  It’s easy but not helpful to make guesses about people’s motives (to say nothing of coming right out and telling them what their motives are).  Conflict is a process. It’s not a disease to be avoided, or a flame to be snuffed out. It’s inevitable.  It’s an opportunity. Even when people talk down to you or insult you, ride the adrenalin rush and expand the context. 

And know your own illusions.  Know your self-deceptions.  Kritek uses the example of illusions surrounding strong women.  There is an illusion that strong women are necessarily dangerous.  Not necessarily.  There is an illusion that strong women won’t use their strength in dangerous ways.  They may.  The more you are open to learning, the more you shed your self-deceptions, the healthier you will be. 

Stay in the dialogue

As long as you’re at the table, you have a voice.  Walk away and it is silent.  That doesn’t mean you can’t take a break, a time out, or a hiatus.  Everything does not have to be decided right away, and if there is pressure to do so, you aren’t likely to be satisfied with the solution anyway.  If you are damaged, if you need time to heal, have compassion on yourself and take it.  Make it clear that you are not walking away from the table, that you are still part of things; you are committed to the process, but that right now you need a break. 

Make sure it’s your dialogue and not someone else’s though.  One pastor had people come to him with complaints about other leaders or members.  They expected him to be their advocate, their voice, do their dirty work, and take the heat for them.  He was trusting enough to do it.  But when the heat came, no one was there for him.  You might think it’s compassion for the weak.  You might rationalize that Jesus is our advocate so it’s godly to be one too, and do it for them.  But not like this.  It’s more compassionate to help others find their voice and walk with them.  Patronage hands them a fish; empowerment teaches them to fish.    Be wise as serpents. There does come a time, though, to walk away. 

Know when and how to leave the table

Back to the claimers versus creators approach to conflict management (See Part One of the ten ways of being, and “Draw a line in the sand without cruelty,” the fifth way of being).  If someone is a claimer, they are there to get their way as the only correct outcome, there may not be room for you.  You may be wasting your time at that table. 

When should you walk away?  The best way is to work the first nine ways of being and assess the progress.  Red flags:

• If others try to silence you.  Church leaders told a pastor they wanted him to take a month-long leave of absence during which they would control all communication with the congregation.  No deal. 
• If truths central to the conflict are persistently denied or minimized. In one church, the parties were instructed first to “take the log out of their own eye” by confessing to each other their contribution to the conflict.  The pastor did so faithfully.  The elders blame-shifted, denied, and minimized, but were never held accountable to do it right.  The result was unsatisfactory and the conciliation failed. 
• If people invite you to compromise your integrity.  A table that repeatedly suggests you compromise your integrity in the name of realism, pragmatism, etc., for example, is very likely a table you cannot trust the results to. 
• If there’s no room for compassion at the table.  If you are concerned for the well-being of others and the voices at the table dismiss your concern as well-intentioned but misguided, both you and the others may be at risk. 
• If you draw a line in the sand (see Part One) and it is not respected (all the more reason to state your line clearly and early).  If you must keep coming back and defending your line, you are probably engaged in a power struggle, not a negotiation. 
• If your self-worth or reputation is caught up in your being at the table.  Know thyself.  There’s more in you than you think. 

Whether you stay or go, you are 100% responsible for your decision.  Don’t blame someone else.  Don’t stay at a table for the sake of someone else.  So choose your tables wisely.  And when you do leave, do so politely, graciously, and with your head held high. 

Have a story?  Email me.