Fine. Whatever. The Passive Aggressive

This article is fourth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks!

Randy Paterson describes passive-aggressive behaviour as the worst of both worlds.  It’s aggressive in that we want to “get” the other person, but it looks passive – “nice” – in many outward ways.

Maybe we fear the social consequences of acting in accord of our feelings.  Maybe we want to save face.  Our moral code may require that we act nicely, so we find subtle ways to express our destructive wishes, maybe even unconsciously.  When we’re passive-aggressive we disguise our bad behaviour so it doesn’t look quite so nasty. Our words sound friendly but our actions tell a different story.  

A pastor worked with a leadership couple who were passive aggressive.  They would maintain a friendly outward posture while working systematically behind the scenes to undermine him, first to disrupt the pastor's leadership (it backfired), and when that didn’t work, to take him down.   That backfired too.  To his face, they would say they loved him and had no problem with him.  Behind his back, they criticized him to congregation members, defamed him through innuendo, and acted as self-appointed spokespersons for an unspecified number of allegedly unhappy people whom they claimed to represent.  That backfired as well, but not before they caused real harm to both the pastor and the church.   

The Profile of the Passive-Aggressive

Here's what passive aggressive behavior looks like:  

• Body language looks passive.  It's unobtrusive, non-threatening.
• Underlying beliefs include not being responsible for one’s actions (we can blame the other person), and that I am entitled to get whatever I can.  If I can deny bad behaviour, then I should be free from its consequences.
• The emotional component of the passive aggressive person often includes fear: fear of being caught being aggressive, and fear of rejection if exposed.  
• Its goal is aggressive, in that it wants to hurt someone, but it’s passive in that there’s an attempt to avoid looking responsible for the harmful outcome. 

People will see through this eventually.  They may not be able to pin certain behaviours on aggression precisely, but their view of us will decline.  Something won’t sit right, and others will sense we’re not all we claim to be.  It may just come down to our looking unreliable, disorganized, inconsiderate or irresponsible.

• Is there someone in your life whose behaviour seems passive aggressive?  
• Can you identify a time when you were passive aggressive?   
• What was your underlying belief?  What was driving it?  

Next time:  A look at assertive behaviour and a little self-check.

On the Offensive: Aggressive Behavior

This article is fifth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 


A friend of mine (uh huh, it's always a friend) worked with someone who used an aggressive approach to relationships.  The first time they met together privately, the man handed him the bylaws of another NGO and suggested they use them instead of their own.  Despite the fact that they were professional equals, this guy would maintain that he had the right to act as my friend's day-to-day supervisor.  Whenever there was a matter before the decision makers, no matter how large or small, he would consistently say that he felt “very strongly” about his position.  In conversation, he would stand uncomfortably close to others and maintain direct eye contact with them.  He would flatter, but it rang hollow in the face of his other behavior. 

Randy Paterson in The Assertiveness Workbook provides an overview of aggressive behavior.  It seems to work, at least in the short run: 

• Intimidation works for getting others to do what you want them to do
• People will ask less of you if they’re afraid of you
• You get to feel strong
• You can exact revenge
• You get to blow off steam

While it might seem to work in the short run, the long-term relational consequences are serious.  In the long run aggressive behavior mistreats others, and treats them as objects for our own purposes. 

Aggressive behavior:

• May be cultural, and/or learned from within the family. 
• Ironically, may relate to low self-esteem, leading us to overcompensate with aggressive behavior as we may feel threatened even by minor difficulties. 

Paterson suggests that:

• Aggressive people believe their needs, rights, and contributions are more important than others. 
• Aggressive people often express themselves as though their views are superior and other views are unreasonable or even stupid.  They dismiss the needs, wants and opinions of others. 
• Body language is physically intimidating. Eye contact is fixed and penetrating. The voice may be raised; a person’s physical stance may feel too close for comfort. 
• Aggressive people – and this also applies to workplace bullying, a related issue – fail to see the consequences of their actions.  Aggressive people want to win at any cost. 
• Their emotions may be angry or powerful in the moment, and flush with victory, but followed by shame and remorse for having hurt others. 

Ever work with a bully?

Do you find yourself behaving aggressively, and paying a price in relationships? 

Do you use intimidation, subtle or not-so-subtle, to get your way? 

Ready for more?  

Next time: Passive-Aggressive behavior