Thursday, August 11, 2011

Fine. Whatever. The Passive Aggressive


This article is fourth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks!


Randy Paterson describes passive-aggressive behaviour as the worst of both worlds.  It’s aggressive in that we want to “get” the other person, but it looks passive – “nice” – in many outward ways.

Maybe we fear the social consequences of acting in accord of our feelings.  Maybe we want to save face.  Our moral code may require that we act nicely, so we find subtle ways to express our destructive wishes, maybe even unconsciously.  When we’re passive-aggressive we disguise our bad behaviour so it doesn’t look quite so nasty. Our words sound friendly but our actions tell a different story.  

A pastor worked with a leadership couple who were passive aggressive.  They would maintain a friendly outward posture while working systematically behind the scenes to undermine him, first to disrupt the pastor's leadership (it backfired), and when that didn’t work, to take him down.   That backfired too.  To his face, they would say they loved him and had no problem with him.  Behind his back, they criticized him to congregation members, defamed him through innuendo, and acted as self-appointed spokespersons for an unspecified number of allegedly unhappy people whom they claimed to represent.  That backfired as well, but not before they caused real harm to both the pastor and the church.   

The Profile of the Passive-Aggressive
Here's what passive aggressive behavior looks like:  
  • Body language looks passive.  It's unobtrusive, non-threatening.
  • Underlying beliefs include not being responsible for one’s actions (we can blame the other person), and that I am entitled to get whatever I can.  If I can deny bad behaviour, then I should be free from its consequences.
  • The emotional component of the passive aggressive person often includes fear: fear of being caught being aggressive, and fear of rejection if exposed.  
  • Its goal is aggressive, in that it wants to hurt someone, but it’s passive in that there’s an attempt to avoid looking responsible for the harmful outcome. 
People will see through this eventually.  They may not be able to pin certain behaviours on aggression precisely, but their view of us will decline.  Something won’t sit right, and others will sense we’re not all we claim to be.  It may just come down to our looking unreliable, disorganized, inconsiderate or irresponsible.
  • Is there someone in your life whose behaviour seems passive aggressive?  
  • Can you identify a time when you were passive aggressive?   
  • What was your underlying belief?  What was driving it?  
Next time:  A look at assertive behaviour and a little self-check.

1 comment:

  1. I have noticed in myself how easy it is to react to supposed wrongs with behavior that could be hurtful. I know I need time to pray and process my thoughts and feelings before I go to the other to try to discuss what has happened. Give the benefit of the doubt; am I wanting to hurt them back by letting them see how terribly they have hurt me; am I angry as well as hurt; am I genuinely seeking understanding and restoration; how can I let them know how their actions affected me so that they will be able to hear me rather than sounding like I am accusing them of being hateful and horrible and thereby stirring defensiveness in them so that I only create an even bigger problem by wounding them; am I wanting to speak the truth in love or lash out; am I willing to see them through God's eyes; do I want them punished: All questions I need to face or I get hooked by the "enemy's" schemes to create "war". Hard to be objective when one is hurt. Hard work and a lot of prayer before we assume too much. This is all fresh in my mind right now. I am learning again and again that unity among believers needs to be fought for, and the biggest part of the battle starts within ourselves. We cannot afford to let the enemy whisper in our ears about what is going on within the heart of another.

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