Take a Stand

I walked into the fitness centre the other day and everybody greeted me with a smile.  You might think that happens all the time, but it doesn’t.  It surprised me actually.  Usually people look away and get back to what they are doing.  No, I don’t have B.O.  I don’t have boogers hanging out of my nose.  But I do usually look down, lost in my thoughts.  Plus, I have a great smile, but a resting grump face.  

This day was different.  I kept my head up.  I looked ahead and around me, aware of my surroundings.  To my surprise, regulars I don’t usually interact with greeted me first!  The only difference was how I carried myself when I entered the fitness room. 

How do people respond to you as you go about your business?  Where do you position yourself when you walk down the street?  

Do you walk right down the middle of the sidewalk, like you own the place, expecting others to give you the “road?” Do you walk to the side and step out of people’s way, as if they deserve to be there more than you do?  Do you tend to look down, look away, deferential?  Do you stare people down till they look away?  

Each stance reflects a coping skill.  It’s a way we carry ourselves that we’ve learned over time.  There’s a better way. 

Do you tend to be avoidance-oriented and passive, hoping no one notices?  Are you more aggressive? How about passive-aggressive?  Or are you just plain assertive?  Would you know the difference?  These don’t describe personality styles, though, but a skill set.  You can learn to be assertive. 

Randy Paterson, a psychologist practicing at the Changeways Clinic in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada has written a helpful, accessible workbook on assertiveness called, oddly enough, the Assertiveness Workbook.  

Part One, Understanding Assertiveness, covers foundational concepts like the four different styles of relating (above), the role stress plays in leading us away from assertive responses toward counter-productive ones, the expectations of others, our own assumptions, as well as a better way.  

Part Two of the Assertiveness Workbook focuses on skills we can learn that will help us communicate assertively, both verbally and non-verbally.  We’ll look at things like body language, giving and receiving feedback, and the ever-popular assertiveness in conflict.  And we’ll have a little fun while we’re at it. 

If you’re looking for tools you can use to get your own way, be a bully, or be your own selfish pig, you’ve come to the wrong place.  But if you’ve lost sight of what is a healthy way of relating to others – or, like me, never really learned – maybe this next series will help you.  Let me know! 

By the way, Randy Paterson has a blog too.  Check it out!