Stylin’ – The Assertive Way

This article is fifth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 


Now that you know aggressive, passive, and passive-aggressive, what about assertiveness?  What is assertiveness, anyway?

First, let’s say what it is not.  Assertiveness isn't a strategy to get your own way, be your own selfish pig, or to make people do what you want them to do.  Au contraire.

No, assertiveness:

• Recognizes that you have the power to choose what you will and will not do, and that ultimately you are responsible for your behavior.  It’s empowering, but challenging, because you can’t blame others for your actions or let yourself off the hook; 
• Recognizes the same in others, i.e., they have the power to choose their behavior too. Assertiveness respects their right to choose and does not attempt to coerce, force or manipulate; 
• Enlists us to identify and acknowledge our thoughts, feelings and desires, knowing that others may not do what we hope they’ll do; 
• Leads us to respect others’ thoughts, feelings and desires too, without feeling like we need to take on their views or do what they would like us to do.  It’s great for identifying and maintaining boundaries; 
• Opens the door for us to relate to others in a more healthy way, with less conflict, less anxiety, and less resentment; 
• Helps us relax around others, as we practice handling situations more effectively, and gain confidence in managing social situations; 
• Helps us respond in the moment, fully present, rather than to be influenced by baggage from the past; 
• Gives us a way to maintain our self-respect in situations, and helps us build an atmosphere in which mutual respect can grow; 
• Builds our sense of self-confidence as we free ourselves from living up to the expectations of others and a need for their approval; 
• It reduces others’ resentment of us as we lay aside counterproductive efforts to control and manipulate them; 

If you want to become more assertive, you’re in for some growth.  And like a baby learning to walk, you will be wobbly at first and make mistakes.

Be patient.  Don’t worry if you over-correct.  Set your sights on where you want to go, and work at it till you get there.

Randy Paterson's, The Assertiveness Workbook has exercises you can do from beginning to end that will help you put feet on your goals.

And you can find a good, free assertiveness test online here.

Next time: the role stress plays in pushing us away from assertiveness, and tools you can use to get the upper hand.  Later, we’ll think through the social ramifications, that is, the effect on those closest to you when you start acting more assertively.