Giving Positive Feedback (Part 2 of 2)

This article is nineteenth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 


Long time no see, gentle reader.  So… where were we?  Ah yes – giving positive feedback, the practical edition.  Last time we introduced complimenting and encouraging others as an assertive behavior.  A spoonful of sugar and all that.  Positive mental attitude and the brain as a survival tool.  Seven reasons people keep their compliments to themselves, thank you very much.  We even had a children’s sermon.  By now the anticipation must simply be bursting within you.  Bless you for your patience.

Here are three exercises that you can do, that can encourage your encouragability.  Soon you will be an incorrigible encourager.  There are two policy changes and one assignment for that special someone.  [1]

1)      The Daily Compliment Policy

2)      The Stranger Policy

3)      That Special Someone 

The Daily Compliment

First things first – we’ll start easy.  Here’s your big deal assignment: for one week, every day, compliment someone.  Now if you’re like me there are probably people in your life for whom this kind of thing comes fairly easily.  The idea here – since I am all about empowerment and challenge – is to get outside your comfort zone.  Now you don’t have to go flatter the person who screwed you over up down and sideways.  But do move outside your comfort zone on this one, and compliment someone you do not normally compliment.  It can be a relative, a co-worker, a neighbor… you get the idea.

The key is to be sincere.  This is not mere flattery.  You get bonus points for using assertive body language.   You know, face your complimentee, be relaxed, look them in the eye, smile.  Keep it real, dawg. 

Keep notes.  Keep a diary, even if it is just a piece of paper.  Consider getting a spiral bound notebook or pad for all your assertiveness assignments so you can chart your progress.  Write down the date and time, who you complimented, their relationship to you, why you encouraged them, how you felt as you were doing it (good, unnatural, etc.). Gauge whether or not it gets easier as you go.  Remember that much of assertive behavior involves feeling as if you are almost playing a role at first, until you get comfortable with your new skills.  Then it will feel natural.  

Once you do it for a week, feel free to renew the Daily Compliment for as many weeks as you like.  Even alcoholics stay sober one day at a time.  This can be the beginning of a whole new life for you – and it will pay dividends in friendships. 

The Stranger

The other day I was getting a double-double at Timmy’s.  I was a preoccupied sourpuss.  But the lady behind the counter had the most beautiful smile!  She radiated friendly joy.  So I told her so.  She beamed, of course, and since my coffee was to-go, she penciled on the lid a big smiley face.  Her smile got me out of my own head space and I am sure I brightened her day by complimenting her smile. 

The Stranger Policy is that every day for one week you will compliment someone who provides you with a service.  (You can decide whether to combine this with the exercise above or to make it separate.)  Keep notes as above and feel free to renew this policy.  It’s free. 

Extra Credit: That Special Someone

No, I don’t mean the love of your life.  Or your dog.  Pick someone who is a real thorn in your side.  They’re annoying.  Maybe it’s your little brother.  It might be your neighbor.  Maybe it’s your child who never picks up after themselves. 

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them more.

-- Oscar Wilde

Ha-ha, Mister (or Ms.) Scrooge, compliment them every day for a week.  Cut any criticism.  Make a note of any changes in the person’s behavior, your relationship – you may transform it.  Again, keep track of the essentials: date, time, occasion, the person involved, as well as your feelings. 

When you’re done, reflect on the effect of being positive on yourself, on the other person, on your relationship.

Next time:  I’m not sure.  I may get in the holiday spirit, share more from the heart, or plod faithfully forward with assertiveness info. Your feedback is welcome! 

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[1] I am indebted to Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook for material.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book. 

A Spoonful of Sugar – Giving Positive Feedback (Part 1 of 2)

This article is eighteenth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 


"It is a game, isn't it, Mary Poppins?" 
"Well, it depends on your point of view.  You see, in every job that must be done there is an element of fun.  You find the fun, and 'Snap!' The job's a game!..."

I'm involved with our local Search and Rescue team.  Each member goes through months of training before they accept us as full members.  Part of our training includes survival training.  What is the single most important piece of equipment you can bring into the backcountry with you?  Your head.  

The single most important factor in survival situations is keeping a positive mental attitude.  In fact, a positive attitude is huge, not only for the workplace, but in family life, and in our social relationships.  When we encourage the people around us, we lift them up.  We make them better, it costs us nothing, and we come away feeling better for it.[1] 

• People like to be around positive people. 
• Sincere compliments are a form of affection. 
• Most times, behavior changes better with positive encouragement than with criticism.  Reward is usually better than punishment. 
• When learning new skills positive feedback is essential, so we can learn we’re doing it right.  For example, at work, my boss has told me I’m ahead of where he thought I’d be.  That’s positive feedback! 

Ever hold back, though?  Do you see someone do something well, or make a real effort, but you hold your tongue?  Look over the following seven factors and see if any of them is part of your current “tool kit,” keeping you from being as encouraging as you might be. 

1. Focusing on the negative – that’s pretty much all you see and what you mention. 
2. Nothing is ever good enough – no matter how thorough someone is, you make sure you find something out of sorts just to make sure they know they have room to grow.  If you are evaluating someone or something, you never give a top score. 
3. Not knowing what to say – um, um, “Will you go on a date with me?”  You just don’t know how to encourage and you are afraid you’ll sound stupid.  Like many of these assertiveness skills, they may feel unnatural until you get more comfortable being assertive. 
4. Fear of losing “advantage” – not that you really have it.  If your paradigm is one of competition, and you’re aggressive, you may withhold affirmation because you don’t want to help your competition. 
5. Fear of boosting people too high – if you have low self-esteem to begin with – and most of us do to one extent or another – you may hesitate to affirm others because you feel it will make them that much further ahead of you.  But like 4 above, affirmation builds everybody up.  It fosters a positive culture, you included. 
6. Fear that you won’t matter – fuggeddabouddit. You matter. 
7. Thinking they should be able to do it without your support. 

I used to give children’s sermons back in the day.  At Springton Lake Presbyterian Church, I gave a children’s sermon about the grace (love) of God involving Tootsie Rolls.  Here’s how it went. 

I called the kids to the front of the church as usual, and this time I had by my side a bucket of Tootsie Roll Midgees (the little ones).  And I said something like, “Okay boys and girls, today we’re going to talk about the love of God.  Let’s pretend God’s love is like these Tootsie Rolls.  Some people think that God’s love is like a Tootsie Roll, but they only have a little bit.”

And I would open up a single Tootsie Roll Midgee, pull out my Swiss Army knife, and cut off little tiny slivers, and offer the children nearest me a tiny sliver of Tootsie Roll.  The confused kids would accept the sliver, clearly disappointed.  “Sometimes we think God is love, but that he only gives his love to us in little tiny slivers.  Then we treat other people the same way.  We feel as if we have to hold back giving love to others because maybe there isn’t enough to go around, or we’ll run out or something. But God’s love isn’t like that.  No sirree.” 

Then I reach over to the Tootsie Rolls, grab fistfuls with both hands, and start tossing them up in the air, over the kids’ heads, so that now it is raining Tootsie Rolls.  “This is how God’s love really is, boys and girls!”  And of course the kids had never seen anything like this before, least of all in a church service. Each child gets plenty of Midgees, and the Tootsie Rolls rain down all around them.  And then I read a Bible verse to match the message: 

In [Christ] we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight.

(Ephesians 1:7-8)

Grace – God’s love, remember?  God lavishes his love on us richly in His Son, Jesus Christ.  Like Tootsie Rolls raining down on dazed but delighted kids, God rains his love down on us.  (“In all wisdom and insight” – he knows what he is doing when he lavishes his love like this.) 

It’s like Steve Covey with his scarcity mentality and abundance mentality – you have plenty of goodness and encouragement inside you to give it away, to lavish on others. You never run out.  There’s more in you than you think.  And the irony is that when you give encouragement away, you get filled up again. 

Next time:  Giving Positive Feedback (Part 2 of 2).  We’ll get practical. 

[1] I am heavily indebted and dependent upon Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook for material.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book. 

Accepting Compliments

This article is seventeenth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 


My mom grew up with two older brothers, my uncles.  Apparently they used to tell her she was ugly.  I can’t imagine brothers ever telling their sisters they are ugly, can you?  They were pretty convincing.  So during Wolrd War II when my mom was a cute nurse just out of nursing school and serving in Hawaii, and servicemen would compliment her, this army war nurse was convinced they were handing her a line.  Not good! 

Today we bring you perhaps the most fun topic in all of Assertiveland.  This is the easiest and funnest – that’s right, funnest – part of being assertive: receiving positive feedback.  Over the next few sessions we will talk about this, as well as such hits as 

• Giving positive feedback
• Receiving negative feedback
• Giving negative feedback

A “piece of cake,” right?    Actually, this can get testy. Especially the latter two.  So we will start with the easiest of the feedbacks: compliments. 

It’s simple, really.  Receiving positive feedback boils down to two simple words:  “Thank you!” 

We can all go home now, because it is really that simple.  Just say, “Thank you!”   

But nothing is that easy, is it?  Here’s Randy Paterson’s[i] key point: A compliment is a gift to be accepted.  So accept it.  It is not a bomb to be defused.  It is not a volleyball to be returned.  It’s a gift, for free!  So be polite and say thank you. 

The truth is that some of us have a hard time accepting presents, gifts, compliments, charity, help, and yes, positive feedback.  We don’t know what to do with it.  Do we return it?  Do we refute it?  Why do we make it harder than it is?  Maybe it is low self-esteem.  Maybe we feel enmeshed in a life of transactions – if you do for me I must then do for you.  Maybe we think the universe will be out of balance if we don’t reciprocate, like the Death Star destroying Alderaan.  Maybe we’re suspicious of the person’s motives. 

You may not think it’s that complicated.  But tell me, poor soul, do you find yourself deflecting, minimizing, or diffusing compliments?  Search your heart, Luke.  See if you recognize yourself with any of these popular defense mechanisms: 

• Ignoring – maybe if I pretend I didn’t hear the compliment it will go away. 
• Denial – “What a cute dress!”  “What – this old thing?” 
• Arguing – “Hey, great job on that recital.  You were amazing.”  “Oh no I wasn’t. I made so many mistakes I just about slinked off the stage.” 
• Joking – “Thanks for leading that hike last weekend.”  “Ha – I just needed the exercise.” 
• Self-Insult – “You were a cycling like a monster on that last 20 miles!”  “Not bad for an old fart I guess.” 
• Questioning – “Nice sermon, pastor.”  “Are you kidding?  I barely had any prep time.” 
• Narrowing – “You.  Look.  Mahvelous!”  “Oh, it’s just this pearl necklace I borrowed.” 
• Boomerang – “You’re awesome!”  “No, YOU’RE awesome!” 

Why do we do this?  Maybe we think we’re being humble.  Maybe we think we have to return the favor right away.  Whatever the case, we are being disrespectful of the person complimenting us.  When we minimize a compliment in any of the above ways, we’re saying they’re wrong.  We’re failing to appreciate another human being, and we’re rejecting a form of affection.  But there's hope! 

You can learn to accept compliments assertively, with a simple:

• “Thank you.” 
• “Thanks.  I enjoy doing it.” 
• “I’m glad you liked it.” 
• “Thanks – it means a lot that you noticed.” 

Remember:  A compliment is a gift to be accepted.  It is not a bomb to be defused.  It is not a volleyball to be returned.  It’s a gift, for free!  So smile, be polite and say thank you. 

So now for the fun part!  Your homework is to accept compliments assertively.  Go through the following list and practice complimenting and being complimented.  If you’re alone, just use a mirror.  Try to catch yourself if you lapse into one of the ways people minimize compliments. 

As you go through this list,. Feel free to rephrase compliments to suit your context.  And when you have worked through the list, practice with some genuine compliments. 

• You landed the plane perfectly!
• You did a great job tying those shoes. 
• Did you paint that yourself?  It looks almost real! 
• This soup is dee-licious. 
• You set my computer up perfectly. 
• I love your outfit. 
• I love your attitude. 
• You bring out the best in people. 
• I love the way you drive on the right (or left|) hand side of the road. 
• You colour inside the lines so precisely. 
• It was kind of you to drive me to the doctor’s office. 
• You have the most beautiful voice. 
• I admire the way you can jump out of an airplane so effortlessly. 
• I love your boldness when it comes to fashion. 
• You really know how to stick to your princples. 
• You have so much confidence in front of groups. 
• You bake the most delicious desserts. 
• I love the way you do that thing you do when we are doing the things we do. 

How did you feel when you were being complimented? 

Now – for the next week, be on the lookout for compliments, or any positrive feedback at all.  Try to respond assertively, with a thank you, or some positive acknowledgement.  Make note of your response. 

If you minimized, how did the person respond? 

If you accepted it well, how did they respond? 

How did it feel to simply accept the compliment or positive feedback? 

Next time: Giving positive feedback!

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[i] I am heavily indebted and dependent upon Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook for material.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book.