This article is seventeenth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way. Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook. There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks!
My mom grew up with two older brothers, my uncles. Apparently they used to tell her she was ugly. I can’t imagine brothers ever telling their sisters they are ugly, can you? They were pretty convincing. So during Wolrd War II when my mom was a cute nurse just out of nursing school and serving in Hawaii, and servicemen would compliment her, this army war nurse was convinced they were handing her a line. Not good!
My mom grew up with two older brothers, my uncles. Apparently they used to tell her she was ugly. I can’t imagine brothers ever telling their sisters they are ugly, can you? They were pretty convincing. So during Wolrd War II when my mom was a cute nurse just out of nursing school and serving in Hawaii, and servicemen would compliment her, this army war nurse was convinced they were handing her a line. Not good!
Today we bring you perhaps the most fun topic in all of Assertiveland. This is the easiest and funnest – that’s right, funnest – part of being assertive: receiving positive feedback. Over the next few sessions we will talk about this, as well as such hits as
- Giving positive feedback
- Receiving negative feedback
- Giving negative feedback
It’s simple, really. Receiving positive feedback boils down to two simple words: “Thank you!”
We can all go home now, because it is really that simple. Just say, “Thank you!”
But nothing is that easy, is it? Here’s Randy Paterson’s[i] key point: A compliment is a gift to be accepted. So accept it. It is not a bomb to be defused. It is not a volleyball to be returned. It’s a gift, for free! So be polite and say thank you.
The truth is that some of us have a hard time accepting presents, gifts, compliments, charity, help, and yes, positive feedback. We don’t know what to do with it. Do we return it? Do we refute it? Why do we make it harder than it is? Maybe it is low self-esteem. Maybe we feel enmeshed in a life of transactions – if you do for me I must then do for you. Maybe we think the universe will be out of balance if we don’t reciprocate, like the Death Star destroying Alderaan. Maybe we’re suspicious of the person’s motives.
You may not think it’s that complicated. But tell me, poor soul, do you find yourself deflecting, minimizing, or diffusing compliments? Search your heart, Luke. See if you recognize yourself with any of these popular defense mechanisms:
- Ignoring – maybe if I pretend I didn’t hear the compliment it will go away.
- Denial – “What a cute dress!” “What – this old thing?”
- Arguing – “Hey, great job on that recital. You were amazing.” “Oh no I wasn’t. I made so many mistakes I just about slinked off the stage.”
- Joking – “Thanks for leading that hike last weekend.” “Ha – I just needed the exercise.”
- Self-Insult – “You were a cycling like a monster on that last 20 miles!” “Not bad for an old fart I guess.”
- Questioning – “Nice sermon, pastor.” “Are you kidding? I barely had any prep time.”
- Narrowing – “You. Look. Mahvelous!” “Oh, it’s just this pearl necklace I borrowed.”
- Boomerang – “You’re awesome!” “No, YOU’RE awesome!”
You can learn to accept compliments assertively, with a simple:
- “Thank you.”
- “Thanks. I enjoy doing it.”
- “I’m glad you liked it.”
- “Thanks – it means a lot that you noticed.”
Remember: A compliment is a gift to be accepted. It is not a bomb to be defused. It is not a volleyball to be returned. It’s a gift, for free! So smile, be polite and say thank you.
So now for the fun part! Your homework is to accept compliments assertively. Go through the following list and practice complimenting and being complimented. If you’re alone, just use a mirror. Try to catch yourself if you lapse into one of the ways people minimize compliments.
As you go through this list,. Feel free to rephrase compliments to suit your context. And when you have worked through the list, practice with some genuine compliments.
- You landed the plane perfectly!
- You did a great job tying those shoes.
- Did you paint that yourself? It looks almost real!
- This soup is dee-licious.
- You set my computer up perfectly.
- I love your outfit.
- I love your attitude.
- You bring out the best in people.
- I love the way you drive on the right (or left|) hand side of the road.
- You colour inside the lines so precisely.
- It was kind of you to drive me to the doctor’s office.
- You have the most beautiful voice.
- I admire the way you can jump out of an airplane so effortlessly.
- I love your boldness when it comes to fashion.
- You really know how to stick to your princples.
- You have so much confidence in front of groups.
- You bake the most delicious desserts.
- I love the way you do that thing you do when we are doing the things we do.
How did you feel when you were being complimented?
Now – for the next week, be on the lookout for compliments, or any positrive feedback at all. Try to respond assertively, with a thank you, or some positive acknowledgement. Make note of your response.
If you minimized, how did the person respond?
If you accepted it well, how did they respond?
How did it feel to simply accept the compliment or positive feedback?
Next time: Giving positive feedback!
[i] I am heavily indebted and dependent upon Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook for material. If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book.
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