Giving Positive Feedback (Part 2 of 2)

This article is nineteenth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 


Long time no see, gentle reader.  So… where were we?  Ah yes – giving positive feedback, the practical edition.  Last time we introduced complimenting and encouraging others as an assertive behavior.  A spoonful of sugar and all that.  Positive mental attitude and the brain as a survival tool.  Seven reasons people keep their compliments to themselves, thank you very much.  We even had a children’s sermon.  By now the anticipation must simply be bursting within you.  Bless you for your patience.

Here are three exercises that you can do, that can encourage your encouragability.  Soon you will be an incorrigible encourager.  There are two policy changes and one assignment for that special someone.  [1]

1)      The Daily Compliment Policy

2)      The Stranger Policy

3)      That Special Someone 

The Daily Compliment

First things first – we’ll start easy.  Here’s your big deal assignment: for one week, every day, compliment someone.  Now if you’re like me there are probably people in your life for whom this kind of thing comes fairly easily.  The idea here – since I am all about empowerment and challenge – is to get outside your comfort zone.  Now you don’t have to go flatter the person who screwed you over up down and sideways.  But do move outside your comfort zone on this one, and compliment someone you do not normally compliment.  It can be a relative, a co-worker, a neighbor… you get the idea.

The key is to be sincere.  This is not mere flattery.  You get bonus points for using assertive body language.   You know, face your complimentee, be relaxed, look them in the eye, smile.  Keep it real, dawg. 

Keep notes.  Keep a diary, even if it is just a piece of paper.  Consider getting a spiral bound notebook or pad for all your assertiveness assignments so you can chart your progress.  Write down the date and time, who you complimented, their relationship to you, why you encouraged them, how you felt as you were doing it (good, unnatural, etc.). Gauge whether or not it gets easier as you go.  Remember that much of assertive behavior involves feeling as if you are almost playing a role at first, until you get comfortable with your new skills.  Then it will feel natural.  

Once you do it for a week, feel free to renew the Daily Compliment for as many weeks as you like.  Even alcoholics stay sober one day at a time.  This can be the beginning of a whole new life for you – and it will pay dividends in friendships. 

The Stranger

The other day I was getting a double-double at Timmy’s.  I was a preoccupied sourpuss.  But the lady behind the counter had the most beautiful smile!  She radiated friendly joy.  So I told her so.  She beamed, of course, and since my coffee was to-go, she penciled on the lid a big smiley face.  Her smile got me out of my own head space and I am sure I brightened her day by complimenting her smile. 

The Stranger Policy is that every day for one week you will compliment someone who provides you with a service.  (You can decide whether to combine this with the exercise above or to make it separate.)  Keep notes as above and feel free to renew this policy.  It’s free. 

Extra Credit: That Special Someone

No, I don’t mean the love of your life.  Or your dog.  Pick someone who is a real thorn in your side.  They’re annoying.  Maybe it’s your little brother.  It might be your neighbor.  Maybe it’s your child who never picks up after themselves. 

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them more.

-- Oscar Wilde

Ha-ha, Mister (or Ms.) Scrooge, compliment them every day for a week.  Cut any criticism.  Make a note of any changes in the person’s behavior, your relationship – you may transform it.  Again, keep track of the essentials: date, time, occasion, the person involved, as well as your feelings. 

When you’re done, reflect on the effect of being positive on yourself, on the other person, on your relationship.

Next time:  I’m not sure.  I may get in the holiday spirit, share more from the heart, or plod faithfully forward with assertiveness info. Your feedback is welcome! 

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[1] I am indebted to Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook for material.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book.