Planning for Conflict (Part 3 of 4)

This article is number 30 in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 


CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES

You are not News Radio.  You don’t have to be “All assertive, all the time.”  You can choose your battles, let things slide, cut people slack, and overlook an offense.  There’s give and take in every relationship.  That’s when you may choose to 1) communicate your preference; and 2) let go. 

I had a church elder once that always seemed to be the odd man out on every issue.  As the odd duck, buddy would advocate for his position, which would ultimately fail.  Fair enough.  But the guy wouldn’t let it go.  Month after month he would bring his pet issue up again.  Let gooooo. 

Only fight battles you can win.  One pastor in the Deep South faced a mutiny by his leadership.  But rather than to ask straight-forwardly for his resignation, the elders tried to get the presbytery to do it, all while engaging in a telephone and letter writing smear campaign with congregation members and others behind the pastor’s back.  It backfired.  When a prominent member of an Arizona congregation faced an allegation of sexual sin, the leadership ignored the counsel of synod; the family clan boycotted the church, attacked the woman's character, and his family members in leadership demanded that the pastor resign.  They enlisted the support of other board members to join the purge.  The pastor left.  Or maybe he just succumbed. 

Not every hill is a hill worth dying on. State your preference and let it go.  Only fight battles you can win.  And if you do die on that hill, die with dignity.  Make sure it’s a hill worth dying on.    

WRITE A "DESO" SCRIPT

Describe – Express – Specify – Outcome

Describe      

When I was performing brain surgery and you persisted in asking me to make you a peanut butter sandwich, I snapped at you.    

Express       

I was frustrated because it’s important to me that I perform brain surgery with as few errors as possible.  I’d said “no” already, and I got frustrated when you kept asking. 

Specify

I like working with you.  When I am performing brain surgery though, do you think you can wait till I’m done?  Then I’ll be happy to make you a peanut butter sandwich. 

Outcome      

I agree with your vision for this hospital, and I think we can be a great team.  I’m looking forward to working with you for years to come. 

Notice in the example above the 3:1 ratio of positive affirmation to criticism.  (“I like working with you.”  “I agree with your vision for this hospital.”  “I’m looking forward to working with you.”  And then, “Do you think I can wait till I’m done brain surgery?”  The criticism is constructive: it is behavior-oriented and avoids personal attack or suggestions about motives.  

This is an actual script I used once (details have been changed, obviously) in resolving a situation that occurred.  The result?  My friend acknowledged her part and gave me a hug. 

CHOOSE YOUR SETTING

The key here is to use a location that is safe for all sides and allows for private conversation.  It could be a crowded restaurant if it’s important to you that a certain level of social pressure is in place to help everyone behave well.  It might be one-on-one alone in an office.  But don’t confront someone in the kitchen when there are other family members around.  If you want a third party present, use someone agreeable to both of you. 

TIMING IS EVERYTHING

Make sure there’s enough time for everything, or allow for additional meetings.  Avoid situations where it will be distracting or embarrassing.  Last Sunday with the church directory pictures, I had an immediate strong emotional reaction.  But there were people all around us and my daughter had her boyfriend with her, who was coming over to dinner for the first time.  Yikes!  I kept my mouth shut and walked to the car.  I put on my best poker face.  Once I worked through my own feelings, I have been touching base with each of the kids one on one about it. 

Depending on the situation, you may choose your moment to bring it up.  On the other hand, you may approach the person and set a time to get together. 

STAY SAFE

The first thing first responders have to do is ensure the scene is safe, even before wading into the mess.  They do not want to become another victim.  It endangers them and adds to the load on rescue resources.  Ensure your safety.  Your physical – and emotional – safety is paramount.  In most cases this isn’t an issue.  But there are occasions where you may feel at risk with the other person.  Use appropriate means to make sure you are safe.  Involve community resources like restorative justice, the police, community support workers, clergy, etc.  Ask yourself: is there a risk of violence in this situation?  What will you do to protect yourself? 

Most of the material on assertiveness on my blog is gleaned from the work of Dr.Randy Paterson.  If you’d like to dig deeper, his AssertivenessWorkbook is a great resource.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 

Confrontation: Planning for Conflict (Part 2 of 4)

This article is twenty-ninth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 

As we count down to that final battle between you and Darth Vader, and you win him over so that in his dying moments he tells you that you were right all along, and he does love you, here are five tools you can use today to help you prepare for a lifetime of peacemaking.  Okay, that might be stretching it.  But at least you will learn some skills to help you relate to others more effectively.  

1.    State the issue to you.

Write it down.  Whazza mattah?  Put it into words.  One of the most helpful things about journaling is that it helps me clarify my thoughts and feelings.  By stating the issue, you put feelings and thoughts into words. 

Key:  You can’t solve an impression; you can only solve a problem. 

If you were with us last time, hopefully you identified a conflict, a person or an issue.  So check yourself.  Not for ticks, silly.  Not even for breast or testicular cancer.  Check yourself for clarity.  Begin with what comes easiest, maybe your feelings.  How do you feel?  Where do those feelings lead you?  Why? 

With the last blog post, I described feeling angry about not getting our pictures taken.  The feelings were certainly linked to all the symbolism I describe there, but my dad-ego was also bruised.  Reflection, honesty, a good wife (who never brought up any ego issues thank you very much), and writing it down all helped me state the issue.  Brainstorm if you like – throw it against the wall like spaghetti and see what sticks. (Does anybody actually DO that?) 

2.    Find the symbolic value

Remember in Confrontation Part 1 that the actual family photo was not a big event in terms of logistics.  It was free-of-charge and easy to do.  Its significance lay in what it meant to my wife and me.  The symbolic value was high.

So what does the issue mean to you and your key relationship(s)?  What does it symbolize?  Your reaction may be more about what it means than what it is.  Remember:

Event à Interpretation based on beliefs à Response

Your feelings about the issue are likely to be as much about what the situation symbolizes as the events themselves.  Sometimes we draw valid conclusions about others’ behavior.  Usually, though, we’re wrapped up in ourselves, our issues, and our history.  Once bitten twice shy and all that.  A boy/girlfriend broke our heart and so we think all men/women are jerks.  We were sexually abused as a child and we continue to have issues with intimacy.  Often our “scripting” (life history and its influence on present behavior) is understandable.  But we don’t have to be defined by our past. 

ü  What’s the issue/conflict you identified? 

ü  What are the bare-bones facts or actions that have made it an issue? 

ü  What does it symbolize to you? 

ü  Which makes more sense to deal with this time: the actions or the symbolism? 

Keep in mind that it is usually easier to deal with the actions/behavior/facts.  When it comes to symbolism, the meaning to you is likely to be different than the meaning to others.  Just ask anyone who has tried to get their older kids to sit for a church directory photo.

3.    Describe the problem in behavioral terms

Just the facts, ma’am.  Try this:  treat the problem like a third party.  Instead of wrapping it up in the other person or yourself, separate it out.  Look at it as objectively as you can, and imagine it is an additional participant or an unopened package that needs to be dealt with.  This can help you separate. 

With the family photo, on an intellectual level, I knew they had as many reasons not to get their picture taken at that moment as we have kids (that would be four).  I went to bed angry with my kids that night, but I woke up thinking, “God would not be as hard on them as I wanted to be.  He’d cut them slack. He’d know what was going on in their own minds.  He’d forgive them.”  I was having my DQT and remembered, “It’s a man’s glory to overlook an offense.”  Reframing it from God's perspective helped me to see their actions apart from a symbolism that had not occurred to my children.    

So take your issue and write a paragraph – just a few sentences is fine – describing the specific, behavioral, observable, measureable events involved.  Avoid projecting about the other person’s motives or what you think they were trying to do.  Just state what happened. 

4.    Define your goal

What do you really want?  You may want to hurt the person as they hurt you.  You may want to punish them.  You may want (passive aggressively) to talk about them behind their back and ruin their reputation.  You may want the other person to change. You may want to win.  You may want to humiliate your enemy.  You may want them to admit they were wrong, were trying to screw you over, and are responsible for their own darn problems.  You may want a mediated reconciliation – take it from one who has been on both sides of the process, orchestrated peace doesn’t work if both parties don’t want it from the heart. 


Choose a goal you can control and with which you can maintain your honour.  You can ask for behavioral change: 

• “I’d like you to empty the garbage every week.” 
• “I’d like you to get to work on time.” 
• “I’d like you to stop blaming me for your addiction to chocolate.” 

Just remember that they have a choice too.  Set a realistic goal that is behavior and action oriented.  Go ahead. 

5.   Take a good hard look at yourself.   

Are you really the one who is fault?  Take a look in the mirror.  Get the log out of your own eye.[i]  How have you contributed to the conflict?  In the case of the family picture, in retrospect I did not communicate my desire clearly.  I expected (and was prepared for) the two older kids' opting out.  I could live with that. But I assumed the younger two would go along.  If I had communicated better, the younger two could have been prepared. 

"When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me.”

~ Oscar Wilde

There are occasions when you will be sinned against undeservedly.  Childhood abuse, victims of assault, workplace bullying[ii] all involve being sinned against.  In cases like these, there can be a natural inclination to take inappropriate responsibility for the sins of others against you.  We’re not talking about that. 

In most cases, we can find our own contribution to the problem.  And sometimes we are the problem.  For example, if you want people to stop taking advantage of you, maybe you need to learn to say no. 

Next time: Five more tools of the trade. 

Most of the material on assertiveness on my blog is based on the work of Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book. He’s got exercises you can do on your own or with a partner – great material!  

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[i] “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.  Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." (Matthew 7:1-5)

[ii] My next series will focus on workplace bullying, with special focus on bullies in the church.