Planning for Conflict (Part 3 of 4)

This article is number 30 in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 


CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES

You are not News Radio.  You don’t have to be “All assertive, all the time.”  You can choose your battles, let things slide, cut people slack, and overlook an offense.  There’s give and take in every relationship.  That’s when you may choose to 1) communicate your preference; and 2) let go. 

I had a church elder once that always seemed to be the odd man out on every issue.  As the odd duck, buddy would advocate for his position, which would ultimately fail.  Fair enough.  But the guy wouldn’t let it go.  Month after month he would bring his pet issue up again.  Let gooooo. 

Only fight battles you can win.  One pastor in the Deep South faced a mutiny by his leadership.  But rather than to ask straight-forwardly for his resignation, the elders tried to get the presbytery to do it, all while engaging in a telephone and letter writing smear campaign with congregation members and others behind the pastor’s back.  It backfired.  When a prominent member of an Arizona congregation faced an allegation of sexual sin, the leadership ignored the counsel of synod; the family clan boycotted the church, attacked the woman's character, and his family members in leadership demanded that the pastor resign.  They enlisted the support of other board members to join the purge.  The pastor left.  Or maybe he just succumbed. 

Not every hill is a hill worth dying on. State your preference and let it go.  Only fight battles you can win.  And if you do die on that hill, die with dignity.  Make sure it’s a hill worth dying on.    

WRITE A "DESO" SCRIPT

Describe – Express – Specify – Outcome

Describe      

When I was performing brain surgery and you persisted in asking me to make you a peanut butter sandwich, I snapped at you.    

Express       

I was frustrated because it’s important to me that I perform brain surgery with as few errors as possible.  I’d said “no” already, and I got frustrated when you kept asking. 

Specify

I like working with you.  When I am performing brain surgery though, do you think you can wait till I’m done?  Then I’ll be happy to make you a peanut butter sandwich. 

Outcome      

I agree with your vision for this hospital, and I think we can be a great team.  I’m looking forward to working with you for years to come. 

Notice in the example above the 3:1 ratio of positive affirmation to criticism.  (“I like working with you.”  “I agree with your vision for this hospital.”  “I’m looking forward to working with you.”  And then, “Do you think I can wait till I’m done brain surgery?”  The criticism is constructive: it is behavior-oriented and avoids personal attack or suggestions about motives.  

This is an actual script I used once (details have been changed, obviously) in resolving a situation that occurred.  The result?  My friend acknowledged her part and gave me a hug. 

CHOOSE YOUR SETTING

The key here is to use a location that is safe for all sides and allows for private conversation.  It could be a crowded restaurant if it’s important to you that a certain level of social pressure is in place to help everyone behave well.  It might be one-on-one alone in an office.  But don’t confront someone in the kitchen when there are other family members around.  If you want a third party present, use someone agreeable to both of you. 

TIMING IS EVERYTHING

Make sure there’s enough time for everything, or allow for additional meetings.  Avoid situations where it will be distracting or embarrassing.  Last Sunday with the church directory pictures, I had an immediate strong emotional reaction.  But there were people all around us and my daughter had her boyfriend with her, who was coming over to dinner for the first time.  Yikes!  I kept my mouth shut and walked to the car.  I put on my best poker face.  Once I worked through my own feelings, I have been touching base with each of the kids one on one about it. 

Depending on the situation, you may choose your moment to bring it up.  On the other hand, you may approach the person and set a time to get together. 

STAY SAFE

The first thing first responders have to do is ensure the scene is safe, even before wading into the mess.  They do not want to become another victim.  It endangers them and adds to the load on rescue resources.  Ensure your safety.  Your physical – and emotional – safety is paramount.  In most cases this isn’t an issue.  But there are occasions where you may feel at risk with the other person.  Use appropriate means to make sure you are safe.  Involve community resources like restorative justice, the police, community support workers, clergy, etc.  Ask yourself: is there a risk of violence in this situation?  What will you do to protect yourself? 

Most of the material on assertiveness on my blog is gleaned from the work of Dr.Randy Paterson.  If you’d like to dig deeper, his AssertivenessWorkbook is a great resource.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks!