This article is last in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way. Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook. There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks!
"The end is near!" at least that's what the Norwegian Lutheran pastor's sign said. But it didn't do any good. So he changed the sign to "Bridge out ahead." And people turned around.
"The end is near!" at least that's what the Norwegian Lutheran pastor's sign said. But it didn't do any good. So he changed the sign to "Bridge out ahead." And people turned around.
This is it! This is Jedi time, when you bring all of your assertiveness tools to bear on life itself. Use everything you’ve got. All your assertiveness skills come into play. As you read the following list, pick out two or three that speak to a current issue. Which ones do you want to keep in mind?
Be intentional with your body language – assume an open, relaxed posture. There’s a three-part series on non-verbal assertiveness here. 60-90% of your communication is non-verbal.
Maintain an even voice. Focus on speaking naturally, in a conversational, friendly tone, matching your tone to the content. Answer the telephone with a smile. I should try that sometime.
Open with Affirmation – Remember the feedback sandwich. Remember the 3:1 ratio of affirmation to feedback. Remember the Alamo (there’s no basement at the Alamo, btw – or is there?). Tell the person true things that you appreciate about them. You are not flattering them if it is true and you want nothing in return.
Use your DESO script to frame your request. Describe matter-of-factly the events that have led to the issue. Express your feelings (without wearing them on your sleeve). Specify exactly what you want. Describe the long-term outcome. What is the best possible outcome?
Take responsibility. Own your part of the problem. In Outward Bound we had VOMP. Vent, or get your issues out in the open – Own (your own contribution to the problem) – (put yourself in the other person’s) Mocassins – (together make a) Plan. Know yourself, and be willing to be ruthlessly honest about yourself in the face of criticism.
Don’t try to win. As carnally satisfying as it may be to really stick it to the other person, try for win-win. Let the other person save face. Give them a way out, a way back into relationship with you. Go for justice – equity – not revenge. Don’t write people off (except for personal safety, etc.).
Avoid old history. “When we bring up old history, it is almost always because we have been seduced by our old anger. We are either trying to win or hurt the other person.” (Paterson)
Never say never (or always). You always (leave the toilet paper roll empty)… You never (listen)… You know the drill. It’s not productive. It polarizes and judges.
Listen. Can you repeat back to the other person, in terms they’d agree with, what their position is? That’s your goal. Listen in order to learn. It’ll help you be less defensive. You don’t have to agree, but to resolve an issue,. You do have to understand. There are two kinds of people in life. Friends and teachers.
Find Common Ground. Agree where you can. Give points to the other side whenever you sincerely can. It builds trust.
After the confrontation: Reward yourself. Buy a Dairy Queen Blizzard. Or something.
Most of the material on assertiveness on my blog is gleaned from the work of Dr. Randy Paterson. If you’d like to dig deeper, his Assertiveness Workbook is a great resource. There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks!
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