Don’t Back Down: The Social Barrier

This article is seventh in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 


U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt once said about the Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza, "He may be a son of a bitch, but he's our son of a bitch."

You may be a passive aggressive jerk, but you are your family’s passive aggressive jerk.

When we decide to improve ourselves, it changes things for the people around us.

Whether we are an alcoholic, have been abused, or just a pushover, the family is used to the dysfunction.  It’s dysfunctional, but that dysfunction is “normal” to the family.  So, if you have been a doormat (or otherwise easily manipulated or controlled by those close to you), becoming assertive is likely to meet with resistance.

This, my friend, is the social problem.

Randy Paterson breaks it down into problems of

• history 
• control 
• boundaries, and 
• gender 

First let's talk about history, People are used to you the way you are.  When you start to change, don't be surprised if you get push-back.  

Think for a second: who might be confused when you begin to behave assertively?
What will you say if they push back on your new changes?
Are you prepared to stay the course if you get resistance?
What’s the worst that can happen?  

Control is another area where your relationships may test you.  If you have been passive, people who are controlling and are close to you will resist your efforts to resume control of your life.  But remember – control was never theirs to begin with.  By the way, if violence is an issue, get help.  Right away. 

Boundaries are another issue.  Expect people to test your boundaries.  They’ll test your resolve.  It’s essential that you hold the line.  Here are some tips:  

1. Only set boundaries you can and will defend. 
2. Don’t start getting assertive when you are maxed out.  Wait till you have the emotional resiliency to handle a few bumps in the road. 
3. Don’t back down.  If you give in, they’ll just push harder next time. 
4. Don’t become assertive with everyone all at once.  Start with a few easier relationships.  Get some practice and some confidence, and then you can tackle more challenging relationships.  Be patient with yourself.  There’s plenty of time and the rewards are worth staying the course for. 

Finally each gender has its own challenges when it comes to being assertive.

For women the messages might be:

• You were raised to serve others. 
• You were raised to be nice. It's nice to be nice, but even nice girls say no.  Lots.  
• Your relationships define your value as a person. You had to have a boyfriend in high school to feel good about yourself; if you're single, you're worthless.  Recognize the lies for what they are.    
• You are the family maid/caretaker. 
• You are the yes-woman.  You’re expected to be uniformly supportive of The Man. 
• You’re not as important as a man.  Look for this in the workplace, wherever.  

For men the messages might be:

• A man is a man. You must be an aggressive jerk and any sign of feeling or vulnerability is a sign of weakness.  
• Obey, or else. If you've been bullied (regardless of gender) you may have difficulty standing up for yourself.  
• A man has no self. You feel as if you can't ask for help, you can't share feelings, you must be a rock.  
• A man can take it. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger -- until it cripples you for life, whether emotionally or perhaps even physically.  

Has your gender influenced your behaviour, whether passively, aggressively, or otherwise?  How?

You can dig deeper on all this in Dr. Paterson's Assertiveness Workbook, available at Amazon, for instance.  

Next time:  The Belief Barrier

Be Master of your Soul, Captain of your Ship -- The Stress Barrier

This article is seventh in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 




He who rules his spirit is better than he who takes a city.

Proverbs 16:32

When a stressful situation hits you, your body responds in a primitive, fight or flight way.  But you are not stuck there.  You can choose your response.

You can position yourself to handle stressful situations both by 1) simple personal management skills and 2) tools you can use in the moment.

Personal Management 

Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook identifies personal management skills you can make that will help you increase your flexibility under stress.  You've heard it before. 

ü  Exercise regularly

ü  Eat well

ü  Get enough sleep

ü  Limit your caffeine and alcohol intake

ü  Lead a balanced life – overwork (for example) stresses your system and cuts into your body's ability to re-stabilize body chemistry.    

Tools In the Moment 
Break situations down into three parts:

1. the situation itself 
2. automatic response (fight or flight)  
3. the truth  

You see, we react to what we think is going on more than we react to what is actually going on. 

Try this: think of a situation in the past few days that caused stress.  How did you respond?  Which of the stress responses listed in my last blog entry did you experience?  Breathing and heart rate are the easiest to notice.  In every situation, you can identify:

1. The situation itself – “I’m stuck in slow traffic.” 
2. Automatic thoughts – “Grrr."   (impatience, breathing shallows, heart rate goes up) 
3. The Truth – I can’t pass yet, so I may as well relax and take a deep breath.  

Re-framing a situation is a powerful tool to regain mastery over our emotions and our automatic stress response.  Break situations down into these three parts -- the situation, automatic response, the truth -- and you can gain mastery over your emotions.  You can break the cycle.  

In the moment, you can reduce and sometimes even eliminate the stress response with this three step exercise: 

1. Pause.  Insert a gap – take a mini-break if you can.  STOP – Stop, Think, Observe, Plan.  Maybe you can physically remove yourself, even for a few minutes.  If you can’t leave, counting to ten actually can help. Ask yourself:
1. Is my life in danger?  (No) 
2. Will being tense help the situation?  (No) 
3. What’s the worst thing that can happen right now?  (there's no real threat to my physical safety) 

Break it down.  Identify

1. the situation; 
2. automatic thoughts (be specific, name them); 
3. the truth.  

You will gain control as you guide your thoughts and physical body.  You are becoming assertive!    

2. Burn it off.  Get intense exercise,.  One of the first talks I ever gave was to a student group at Oregon Institute of Technology in Klamath Falls.  I was incredibly nervous.  Right before the talk I found a place to be alone and did as many push-ups as I could.   You don’t have to do push-ups, but brisk exercise is effective at burning off the nervous energy that accompanies the stress response. 
3. Breathe.  Listen to your breathing.  If you find that it is shallow and rapid, slow down.  Take a deep breath.  You can even try placing your hand on your tummy and breathing slowly while you feel your stomach go in and out as you breathe.  People won’t likely notice.  At least let's hope not.  

 Next:  The Social Barrier -- social resistance to our being assertive.  

Barriers to Assertiveness: Address the Stress

This article is sixth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 

The other day I was caught off guard.  A dear person had regrets about the way she had acted, and she wanted to make things right.  We got together to clear the air.  Shortly into the conversation, things got sticky. She said, "I don't want to make excuses or justify myself, but..."  And then she proceeded to make excuses and justify herself.

In the moment, I could feel my heart rate go up.  My breathing became shallower and more rapid.  Fortunately, I had recently learned ways to relax and stay calm when this kind of thing happens.  

I kept my cool.  The other person and I had an honest exchange.  We worked to found common ground.  We can move forward.  But stress was present – I’m sure for both of us – and it can derail best efforts to communicate effectively in relationships. 

By now we’ve defined assertiveness, contrasting it to passive, aggressive, and passive-aggressive styles of communication.  And remember that assertiveness is a skill set, not a personality type.  You can learn to be assertive.  You can change! 

But just as flooded roads can prevent us from getting to our destination, there are barriers that can keep us from developing assertive skills. 

In The Assertiveness Workbook, Randy Paterson identifies three barriers to assertiveness: stress, social conditions, and beliefs.  We’ll look at each. 

Here's what happens when we are under stress.  Our:

• Heart rate goes up
• Pulse volume increases
• Respirations increase
• Blood sugar increases
• Blood supply to the large muscles increases (good for fight or flight)
• Blood supply to the skin and digestive system decreases
• Endorphins (natural painkillers) are released 

Stress is the physical response we have to the feeling that we are being threatened.  Note that stress begins with our body’s response to circumstances, not the circumstances themselves.

Stress affects our brain function too.  We experience:  

• Increased ability to focus on a few essential tasks (helpful in a fight or a flight situation) 
• Decreased ability to focus on complex tasks 
• Decreased creativity and ability to create and innovate 

This is good when we are chased by a bear.

The only problem is that most of our stress is not physical, but psychological.  And the body’s fight-or-flight stress response happens anyway. It's counterproductive.

We can address our stress by PAUSING and: 

1. Changing the situation – I can pass the cars that are holding me up 
2. Re-framing the situation, i.e., think about it differently – driving slowly behind the cars is an opportunity to relax and enjoy the moment
3. Dealing with our physical response by engaging in relaxation techniques
4. Dealing with our response to stress in general by modifying our lifestyle

Reflect:
When were you stressed in the last day or so?  Take a moment and think of a situation. 

Would fighting have helped (really)? How about running away?  

Chances are the fight or flight responses would not have helped your situation. 

But you can develop skills that will help you. 

Next time we’ll talk about options 2-4.

A Cookie Parable

Some cookies went missing at the Jones house while Ashley, the babysitter, was watching seven year old Jacob and his little sister Emma, five.  Emma had taken some.  She felt bad and told the 16 year old Ashley that she and Jacob had their hands in the cookie jar when Ashley wasn’t looking.  But Jacob denied it.

Jacob said, “I didn’t take any cookies.  Emma is a liar.  I was in the kitchen with her, and she took some cookies, but I didn’t.”  Jacob was angry that Emma might get him in trouble.  He was afraid when he found out that babysitter Ashley was going to let their parents know, because he knew he would get in trouble for it.  It wasn't the first time.  He was so afraid, and so angry that he decided to do something about it.  

When mom and dad got home, Ashley explained to the parents what had happened.  Dad and mom called in the kids and asked each of them, to tell what happened.  Emma said they had both taken cookies, and she was sorry, and understood that she might be punished.  Jacob looked uncomfortable and was squirming in his seat.  He said, “I didn’t take any cookies!  Emma is a liar!  And besides, mom and dad, Ashley hates me!  She has something against me and that’s why she believes Emma!  You should fire her as a babysitter because she isn’t fair.”

Dad and mom believed Emma was telling the truth.  But Emma felt horrible when she heard what her brother Jacob had said.  She loved having Ashley as a babysitter.  She didn’t want to lose her because Ashley read her stories at night and calmed her down when she had night terrors.  But Jacob went in his room, slammed the door, and wouldn’t come to dinner for days.  

Mom and dad didn’t know what to do.  Finally, they told Ashley they couldn’t use her as a babysitter anymore because Jacob had thrown such a tantrum.

Emma felt horrible and that losing Ashley was her fault.  She knew that all she had to do to keep Ashley as a babysitter was change her story.  All she had to do was say she had lied, that Jacob hadn’t taken any cookies.  But she wouldn’t change her story.

So who had their hands in the cookie jar?