Barriers to Assertiveness: Address the Stress

This article is sixth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 

The other day I was caught off guard.  A dear person had regrets about the way she had acted, and she wanted to make things right.  We got together to clear the air.  Shortly into the conversation, things got sticky. She said, "I don't want to make excuses or justify myself, but..."  And then she proceeded to make excuses and justify herself.

In the moment, I could feel my heart rate go up.  My breathing became shallower and more rapid.  Fortunately, I had recently learned ways to relax and stay calm when this kind of thing happens.  

I kept my cool.  The other person and I had an honest exchange.  We worked to found common ground.  We can move forward.  But stress was present – I’m sure for both of us – and it can derail best efforts to communicate effectively in relationships. 

By now we’ve defined assertiveness, contrasting it to passive, aggressive, and passive-aggressive styles of communication.  And remember that assertiveness is a skill set, not a personality type.  You can learn to be assertive.  You can change! 

But just as flooded roads can prevent us from getting to our destination, there are barriers that can keep us from developing assertive skills. 

In The Assertiveness Workbook, Randy Paterson identifies three barriers to assertiveness: stress, social conditions, and beliefs.  We’ll look at each. 

Here's what happens when we are under stress.  Our:

• Heart rate goes up
• Pulse volume increases
• Respirations increase
• Blood sugar increases
• Blood supply to the large muscles increases (good for fight or flight)
• Blood supply to the skin and digestive system decreases
• Endorphins (natural painkillers) are released 

Stress is the physical response we have to the feeling that we are being threatened.  Note that stress begins with our body’s response to circumstances, not the circumstances themselves.

Stress affects our brain function too.  We experience:  

• Increased ability to focus on a few essential tasks (helpful in a fight or a flight situation) 
• Decreased ability to focus on complex tasks 
• Decreased creativity and ability to create and innovate 

This is good when we are chased by a bear.

The only problem is that most of our stress is not physical, but psychological.  And the body’s fight-or-flight stress response happens anyway. It's counterproductive.

We can address our stress by PAUSING and: 

1. Changing the situation – I can pass the cars that are holding me up 
2. Re-framing the situation, i.e., think about it differently – driving slowly behind the cars is an opportunity to relax and enjoy the moment
3. Dealing with our physical response by engaging in relaxation techniques
4. Dealing with our response to stress in general by modifying our lifestyle

Reflect:
When were you stressed in the last day or so?  Take a moment and think of a situation. 

Would fighting have helped (really)? How about running away?  

Chances are the fight or flight responses would not have helped your situation. 

But you can develop skills that will help you. 

Next time we’ll talk about options 2-4.