Don’t Back Down: The Social Barrier

This article is seventh in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 


U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt once said about the Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza, "He may be a son of a bitch, but he's our son of a bitch."

You may be a passive aggressive jerk, but you are your family’s passive aggressive jerk.

When we decide to improve ourselves, it changes things for the people around us.

Whether we are an alcoholic, have been abused, or just a pushover, the family is used to the dysfunction.  It’s dysfunctional, but that dysfunction is “normal” to the family.  So, if you have been a doormat (or otherwise easily manipulated or controlled by those close to you), becoming assertive is likely to meet with resistance.

This, my friend, is the social problem.

Randy Paterson breaks it down into problems of

• history 
• control 
• boundaries, and 
• gender 

First let's talk about history, People are used to you the way you are.  When you start to change, don't be surprised if you get push-back.  

Think for a second: who might be confused when you begin to behave assertively?
What will you say if they push back on your new changes?
Are you prepared to stay the course if you get resistance?
What’s the worst that can happen?  

Control is another area where your relationships may test you.  If you have been passive, people who are controlling and are close to you will resist your efforts to resume control of your life.  But remember – control was never theirs to begin with.  By the way, if violence is an issue, get help.  Right away. 

Boundaries are another issue.  Expect people to test your boundaries.  They’ll test your resolve.  It’s essential that you hold the line.  Here are some tips:  

1. Only set boundaries you can and will defend. 
2. Don’t start getting assertive when you are maxed out.  Wait till you have the emotional resiliency to handle a few bumps in the road. 
3. Don’t back down.  If you give in, they’ll just push harder next time. 
4. Don’t become assertive with everyone all at once.  Start with a few easier relationships.  Get some practice and some confidence, and then you can tackle more challenging relationships.  Be patient with yourself.  There’s plenty of time and the rewards are worth staying the course for. 

Finally each gender has its own challenges when it comes to being assertive.

For women the messages might be:

• You were raised to serve others. 
• You were raised to be nice. It's nice to be nice, but even nice girls say no.  Lots.  
• Your relationships define your value as a person. You had to have a boyfriend in high school to feel good about yourself; if you're single, you're worthless.  Recognize the lies for what they are.    
• You are the family maid/caretaker. 
• You are the yes-woman.  You’re expected to be uniformly supportive of The Man. 
• You’re not as important as a man.  Look for this in the workplace, wherever.  

For men the messages might be:

• A man is a man. You must be an aggressive jerk and any sign of feeling or vulnerability is a sign of weakness.  
• Obey, or else. If you've been bullied (regardless of gender) you may have difficulty standing up for yourself.  
• A man has no self. You feel as if you can't ask for help, you can't share feelings, you must be a rock.  
• A man can take it. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger -- until it cripples you for life, whether emotionally or perhaps even physically.  

Has your gender influenced your behaviour, whether passively, aggressively, or otherwise?  How?

You can dig deeper on all this in Dr. Paterson's Assertiveness Workbook, available at Amazon, for instance.  

Next time:  The Belief Barrier