Twisted Beliefs: The Belief Barrier

This article is eighth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 



Just as we need to get the wheels aligned on our car from time to time, our beliefs may need realignment too. 

Key Point:  Self-awareness and perspective are the keys to realigning our beliefs. 

Many of us have unconscious or even conscious beliefs so that we interpret events counter-productively.  If we become aware of the false beliefs we can replace them with a healthier perspective.  

Here are some examples:  Randy Paterson offers false beliefs that support a passive role: 

ð       Assertiveness means getting my own way all the time (it’s selfish, so I mustn’t do that).  Our sense of fair play backfires on us.  This confuses assertiveness with aggression. 

ð     My self-worth is based on serving others.  Do you feel guilty when you do something for yourself?  You shouldn’t.  It’s fine to serve others, even admirable.  But your worth as a person is based on your being in the image of God, not on your performance. 

ð      If I give and give I will be accepted and appreciated.  The trouble is, the other person has no idea you are living with this unexpressed transaction in mind. 

ð     It’s rude to disagree; I need to be nice.  See the upcoming blog on expressing your opinion.  You have one – you’re allowed to express it! 

ð     If others disagree with me, I am probably wrong.  Self-respect includes respect for your own views.  Would you ever deny someone the right to their opinion?  Why deny yourself? 

ð     I can’t say no.  People who have a hard time saying no often grow resentful of others and feel used.  In fact, you have no one to blame but yourself.  “No one can take advantage of you without your permission.”  Stay tuned for the upcoming blog post on saying no. 

ð  My opinion is less important/doesn’t matter.  There are times when an expert will have better perspective than us: doctors, lawyers, dentists, policemen, etc., will have areas of expertise where we will usually defer.  But there are a host of areas where your opinion is just as valid as the next person’s. 

At the other end, false beliefs that support an aggressive role include: 

ð      I have a right to be angry. And you do.  You are responsible for how you express it however.  If you indulge your anger to achieve a goal, what is the price you are paying in relationships?   In self-respect? 

ð      If I am not aggressive nothing will get done.  Again – there is a price to be paid in relational cost.  And while people may be nice to your face – you can expect there will be passive aggressive push-back.  Assertiveness respects others and provides a way for you to take a position without bowling people over. 

ð     Honesty is the best policy, and sometimes the truth hurts.  The Good Book says, “Speak the truth in love.”  If you can’t strike that balance, it’s best to wait until you can. 

Beliefs that may support a passive aggressive, etc., role

ð     What if I try to be assertive and blow it?  Good news – you WILL blow it.  It’s part of the learning curve.  Expect to fail and welcome failure as an opportunity to grow and learn. 

Remember:   Self-awareness and perspective are the keys to realigning our beliefs. 

Which of the beliefs above are you prone to?  Are there others?  Make a note of the one or ones that most guide your response to events, people, and requests. 

Which relationships are most affected? 

Take a moment and write down the true belief that should replace the false one.  What will help well aligned beliefs to sink in? 

Next time:  better beliefs – assumptions that can help you move toward assertiveness