The Incredible Visible (Wo)Man – Nonverbal Assertiveness (Part 1 of 2)

One of these men is dressed aggressively... 

"Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying.”

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

This article is twelfth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 

I was working with someone recently who would not catch the hint.  We share a workspace and a computer. He was very friendly, very chatty.  I wanted to check my email, check the score of the NFL Philadelphia Eagles American football game, and get some peace and quiet.  First I tried the direct, assertive approach: “Hey if I can get in there for a minute, I’d like to check my email.”  He let me take the seat but he kept talking.  I had over 70 emails to wade through.  Initially, to be polite, I turned partly toward him and stopped reading email. Then I realized that he would talk all afternoon. So I turned fully toward the computer monitor and read my email, barely acknowledging his ramblings.  But he merrily rolled along! The man didn’t get it.  He was oblivious to my non-verbal attempts to get him to hush.  Only when I physically left the workspace and accessed a nearby computer did he abate. 

In face to face communication we communicate in two ways: verbally and non-verbally.  Ever have a misunderstanding with someone via email?  Email only engages the verbal means of communication.  Phone calls add voice tone to the communication matrix, but still lack the visual benefit of body language. 

Non-verbal communication includes

• Our posture – there’s a reason your mom told you not to slouch
• Gestures & movements – including international sign language
• Tone of voice – watch your tone with me, young man

Non-verbal communication makes up as much as 85% of our communication in a given situation.  Often our body language completely contradicts our words.  For example, I can’t sit still.  A few years ago there was a conflict in the church I pastored and we had a commission of our governing regional body come in to help mediate the conflict.  During one of the early sessions, while someone was speaking to me, I got up and threw something away.  A commissioner challenged me for what he interpreted as inconsiderate behaviour.  I was still listening to the person, but by turning away from her and walking toward the garbage can I sent the message that what she was saying was not important. 

Our gestures and tone reveal: 

• Our emotional state 
• How we feel about the issue at hand 
• How you feel toward the person with whom you are speaking 
• How important you believe the issue is 
• Your level of confidence and conviction 
• Whether you expect to be taken seriously 
• Whether you see yourself as an equal, superior to, or inferior to the other person(s)

Sometimes our verbal and non-verbal communication send the same message. Sometimes they contradict each other, as they did when I got up to throw out that elephant.  

When our actions -- our body language and tone of voice -- contradict our words, people are more likely to believe our nonverbal communication.  Especially in delicate situations, it’s essential that we pay as much attention to our nonverbal communication as to the words we say.  You may communicate more than you intend, or something completely different than you intend to communicate. 

Aggressive nonverbal communication communicates that you don’t respect others.  Passive nonverbal communication communicates that you don’t respect yourself.  Assertive nonverbal communication tells others that you respect yourself and that you respect others too. 

Next time we’ll get more specific.  We’ll talk about things like posture, eye contact, tone of voice, etc.  But for now, put into your head that body language boils down to your:

• Face plane – imagine a 3x5 card stuck vertically on the end of your nose.  It’s vertical when you look directly at someone; it tilts back when you raise your chin, and it’s tilted forward if you look down at your toes. 
• Body plane – again, this is the imaginary poster board that goes from your hips to your shoulders and is perfectly vertical when you are standing straight.  If you slouch it is angled upward.  If you lean forward it is tilted downward. 

The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.

Obi-Wan Kenobe

• Personal space – this is the imaginary bubble that surrounds you. It surrounds you and penetrates you. And when someone stands really close to you, theirs might penetrate you too.  According to Paterson, personal space varies by culture but in western culture “extends forward from one to two-and-a-half feet and is somewhat less at the back and sides.  It is larger in northern cultures and smaller as you get closer to the equator."  

Next time: Nonverbal Assertiveness (Part 2 of 2)

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[1] I am heavily indebted to and dependent upon Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook for material.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book.