This article is thirteenth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way. Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook. There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks!
I love how confident our kids are. Life hasn’t always been easy for these PKs – it never is. But each of them has a sense of self that belies a security for which we are very thankful. We thank God, and credit Him for their many cool qualities. Each one is his or her own person. And they are all good dressers. But a couple of them are particularly tuned into fashion as a personal statement. One of them asked me about dreadlocks. I said, “I dare you.” And so she became the only person in her school to sport dreads. That’s my girl.
I love how confident our kids are. Life hasn’t always been easy for these PKs – it never is. But each of them has a sense of self that belies a security for which we are very thankful. We thank God, and credit Him for their many cool qualities. Each one is his or her own person. And they are all good dressers. But a couple of them are particularly tuned into fashion as a personal statement. One of them asked me about dreadlocks. I said, “I dare you.” And so she became the only person in her school to sport dreads. That’s my girl.
Finally the moment you’ve been waiting for: assertive behavior how-tos!
As you read through each of the following nonverbal behaviors, make a note which way you typically behave: passively, aggressively, or assertively. Bear in mind that passive aggressive people will usually manifest passive (looking) behavior. Till they stab you in the back.
So keep track – you will be a better assertive person for it. I have installed a cookie on your computer that will tell me whether you did your homework. So no monkey business. (Just kidding about the cookie. Good grief.)
Posture – Ten-hut!
Assertive – everything is squared up and vertical. Your shoulders are back, and straight, your body plane and face are vertical and you are facing the other person directly. Oh – you’re also relaxed.
Passive – it’s almost as if you want to disappear. Your shoulders may be hunched, you’re leaning back, turned slightly away from the person you are speaking to. You might look down or away during a conversation.
Aggressive – You may try to make yourself as large and imposing as you can. Your face may also lean into the other person. You are communicating a combative posture. This is useful when being attacked by a cougar but not so good in day to day relations.
Movements & Gestures – no international sign language please.
Movements and hand gestures vary with the individual and by culture. Some people simply do not gesture a lot, while others, like me, “talk with their hands.”
Assertive – your hand and body movements are relaxed and fluid; gestures are natural, open and relaxed. Hands are open, not clenched or wringing each other.
Passive – It can vary. Some people will be slow, barely gesturing at all, as if they’re depressed. Others will fidget and fiddle nervously. You may wring your hands, like Ron MacLean, the announcer seated next to Don Cherry in the previous blog post. You may open your hands and extend them outward, palms up, as if you are helpless, defenseless, sad, lonely.
Aggressive – hand movements may include pointing, karate chop movements, and the closer they are to the other person the more aggressive is the body language.
Physical Distance – Watch out for South Africans with long toes.
Assertive – In conflict, your distance is about the same as it is when you’re not in conflict.
Passive – physical distance is greater than normal. Add to that a body posture that is partially turned away, and it can almost look like the person is trying to sneak off somewhere.
Aggressive – physical space is closer than with most people. If you add aggressive hand movements and posture you will start wondering where a sneeze shield is.
Eye Contact
It's that look in your eyes that say you love me
And all the silly things that you do
Those feelings I get whenever you're near me
Tells me you're for me, And I'm the one for you
-- UB40
Assertive – frequent eye contact but that is broken up by occasional glances horizontally to the side. Unless you’re in love.
Passive – eye contact is usually avoided, and typically downward. When eye contact is made it’s because the person looks up from a downwardly turned head rather than to hold the face up and look directly.
Aggressive – eye contact is usually direct and fixed. You might feel like you are in a staring contest, and that the first person to look away loses.
Facial Expression
Assertive – You’re conveying openness, calmness, and relaxed face muscles. The facial expression matches the message.
Passive – The person may look anxious or apologetic. They may smile nervously or laugh inappropriately.
Aggressive – The face may be tense, the jaw set, the stare fixed, the cheeks red, but not like Santa Claus.
Physical Contact
This is another of those cultural pieces.
Assertive – Your touch is usually gentle and intended to convey empathy.
Passive – Touch is minimal, but if used, may communicate, “Please don’t be mad at me,” etc.
Aggressive – Short of actual violence, it may look like a jab or a poke, invading personal space.
Voice Tone
Assertive – You speak in normal volume, with a well modulated voice, appropriate to the mood and context.
Passive – Your voice may be quiet; statements may end with an upturning tone, as if asking a question, e.g., “So, I’d like a raise?”
Aggressive – Maybe you shout too much. Volume may be hostile and loud, or cold and unusually quiet, especially with a sarcastic or threatening tone to it. Others, like Captain Kirk, speak. As. If. Every. Word. Is. Its. Own. Sentence!
William Shatner, "I am Canadian."
Physical Appearance
More than what specific clothing you wear, the reason for a given outfit, hair style or accessory is what is more important.
Assertive – You dress appropriate to the occasion, but with personal expression as well. The person is neither seeking to be invisible nor to intimidate, or to deliberately over- or under-dress.
Passive – You try to blend with the group. You carefully choose clothes, hair style and accessories or accents that will avoid drawing attention. Women who have been sexually abused will often wear frumpy clothes to avoid attracting attention to their figure.
Aggressive – Don Cherry. Need I say more? I guess I do. Back in the 1980s, I used to wear blue jeans to church on purpose. I used to tell myself that I was doing it so that un-churched people would feel comfortable if they came. The real reason is that I was rebelling against the social more that stipulated that men shall wear a jacket and tie and women will wear dresses. Quite the rebel, wasn’t I? A trend setter -- now everyone does it. Aggressive dress will choose hair styles, clothing, glasses, facial hair (especially for women) to intimidate others, communicate power, or rebel against custom.
In reviewing the eight nonverbal dimensions above, which do you tend to gravitate towards: passive, aggressive, or assertive? Which has the highest number of responses?
Homework!
Pick a category and work on it for one week. It might be one you are weakest in; it might an area you are most interested in developing.
For example, I chose the way I dress – my physical appearance. I’m well groomed enough. I shower daily, brush my teeth, wear clean clothes and put on fresh underwear just in case I am in an accident, like a good boy. My problem is that I am too casual. I am a notorious under-dresser. If I can get away with jeans and a hoodie, I’m in. So instead of dressing as sloppily as I could get away with, for one week I dressed appropriately, but with an element of style. Personal flare if you will. Yes, even tree hugging granola munching – oops – self-effacing humor! Thank goodness I caught myself, and just in the nick of time. I dress appropriately now and add a bit of panache, just for the sake of being assertive. For instance, I do not have to wear a tie to work. But I do, to be assertive. Except that I roll up my sleeves and unbutton my top button like my high school disciplinarian Mr. Shiplett for that relaxed, working man, professional look.
This is a homework assignment that made a lasting impression.
So, what area would you like to work on?
For how many days will you work on it? Will you give it a week?
Next time: A bonus homework assignment. Take it to the streets!
[1] I am heavily indebted to and dependent upon Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook for material. If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book.
No comments:
Post a Comment