do what needs to be done. Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious.
This article is fifteenth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way. Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook. There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks!
Some of you are laughing right about now. Sharing your opinion, you ask? No problem. You are opinionated, and you don’t mind saying so. You’re thinking, “I have noooo problem with that one, ha ha ha.” I’ll bet you don’t. You probably think you’re assertive. Read on.
Some of you are laughing right about now. Sharing your opinion, you ask? No problem. You are opinionated, and you don’t mind saying so. You’re thinking, “I have noooo problem with that one, ha ha ha.” I’ll bet you don’t. You probably think you’re assertive. Read on.
Opinion Exercise #1 – the Prequel
Think back over the past three days, if you please. Think of three situations where you could have shared, or did share, your opinion. Maybe you thought about saying something but let it go. Maybe you got into a heated exchange and argued your position vehemently. Whatever the situations, jot them down. Open a Word document, open Notepad if you like, or even just go old school and write down on a piece of paper the first three examples that come to mind. I'll wait.
Okay, now, hold that thought. It’s time for a little self-check.
Do you:
- Avoid giving your opinion on things, whether it is a small matter (you hesitate to “like” something on Facebook), or a big one (you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling)?
- Wait for others to give their opinion first? You don’t want to look ____, after all.
- Give your opinion only when you know the other people present will be on side with you?
- Pretend to agree with others or actually change your view in order to look like you agree with others?
Or maybe you:
- Share your opinion, but people occasionally tell you that you come across too strong, as if you think any other view is crazy, unthinkable, or just plain wrong.
- Express harsh criticism of other views, often without waiting to know if anyone present might actually hold to that view.
- Try to get people to change their position if they hold a different view than you, using tactics like belittling, shouting, intimidation, sarcasm, or heated argument.
On the other hand, do you:
- Avoid disagreeing with people directly but express strong views on purpose even though you know they might hurt those present?
- Talk frequently about people behind their back?
- Use sarcasm, but deny any bad motivation? “Oh, I was just kidding.” Not.
Maybe you have already arrived. You:
- Express your opinion freely whether others have done so or not.
- “Take ownership” of your view, by saying something like, “My view is…” or "I believe..." rather than presenting it as if it’s the only view any rational person would hold, or as if you are just playing devil’s advocate.
- Are willing to discuss differences without being “on a mission” to force someone to change their mind. You respect the other person’s freedom to hold their view.
- Are open to changing your view when new information is forthcoming, but you don’t do it just to conform to the prevailing viewpoint.
Alright, let’s say that you see yourself in all the wrong places above, or at least some of them, and you want to change your evil ways. Paterson offers these tips:
- Take a chill pill. Relax. Do the breathing exercises described in last time’s blog post, Non-verbal Behavior (Part 3 of 2).
- Practice practice practice. If sharing your opinion freely is new for you, rehearse ahead of time what you plan to say. Soon you’ll be sharing your opinion with the best of them!
- Look confident! Act confident. It may not feel natural, but if you share your opinion, do it in a straightforward, unapologetic way. And if you are undecided about an issue, that’s okay too, and it’s okay to say so. Be comfortable in your own skin.
- When the shoe fits, show you are open to new information or other ideas. There’s no downside to having an open mind.
- Own your view. Some of the ways people sidestep responsibility for the viewpoint they offer is to appeal to authority, as if it’s someone else’s view, or say they’re just playing devil’s advocate. Learn to say “I think…,” “I believe…,” etc.
- Don’t apologize for your opinion. Catch yourself if you are about to say things like, “Sorry, but…” when you’re expressing a perfectly legitimate position.
- Be very careful about absolute truth claims. You know who you are. I know who I am. There are folks who believe they have a claim on absolute truth. They might be religious or secular, and they might be right. But there’s a way to represent your viewpoint that on one hand does not compromise your convictions about truth, but on the other demonstrates respect and the other person’s right to hold their view. This area is worthy of a whole ‘nother blog series.
- Don’t intimidate. No pressure, no hype. Signs of intimidation include but are not limited to: raising your voice, threats, personal attacks, guilt, and using aggressive body language like standing close to someone, staring, etc. You may win the battle but you’ll be losing the war, trust me.
- Don’t miss important opportunities to speak up. We don’t need to share our opinion on every occasion, but there will be times when you shouldn’t, but may be tempted to, bite your tongue. It can be very appropriate to speak out against injustice, racial hate, discrimination, and prejudice, for example.
All that's necessary for the forces of evil to win in the world is for enough good men to do nothing.
-- Edmund Burke
Opinion Exercise #1 – the Feature Film
Okay, remember that list? You know, the three times over the past few days where you shared your opinion. Pull that puppy out again. Pick one from the list where you wish you were more assertive (versus being too passive or too aggressive). Or think one up now if you didn’t make the list. Again, it’s a situation where you wish you were more assertive.
- What was the situation?
- What might you have said that would have been more appropriately assertive?
- Write down what you might have said.
- During the next week, look for opportunities to share your opinion. Try to tune into whether you are likely to be either too passive or too aggressive. If you want, you can keep notes of
- The date, time and place
- Person/Situation
- Your response
- Assertive/ passive, aggressive, or P/A?
- How did it turn out?
- Feeling afterwards?
- An alternative response:
Next time: Exercise with a Partner!
[i] I am heavily indebted and dependent upon Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook for material. If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book.
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