18 Ways You Can Believe Assertively

This article is ninth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 


You are in charge of your behavior; others are in charge of theirs. It's that simple.  

Last time we looked at beliefs that undermine assertive behavior.  But what beliefs reinforce assertive behavior?  

Here are eighteen beliefs that are consistent with assertiveness. 

I decide for myself what I will and will not do.  There is a “choice point” between awareness of a situation and the decision to act.  Become aware of that choice point, learn to embrace that moment (or week and a half), and you will govern your own behavior better. 

I am my own judge.  Others may try, but no one has the right to judge your behaviour. Whatever someone else’s opinion is, it’s just that: their opinion.  At the end of the day you – not others – assess your behavior.  

I do not have to justify myself before others.  Repeat that.  You don’t.  Others will often expect you to justify yourself to them.  This can be a doorway to their assuming a position of judge and jury, leaving you feeling beholden to them.  There is a time to explain a decision, but tune into whether you tend to explain yourself every time someone questions a decision you make. 

Others don’t have to justify themselves to me, either.  It works both ways.  “Who are you to judge another man’s servant?  It is before his own master that he stands or falls.” 

People can ask me anything they want.  They can.  It doesn’t mean you have to oblige them – you don’t.  They can ask though.  “A question is not a threat.”  (Paterson)

My life is my own, and I can turn down requests made by others if I choose to.  They can ask; you can say no.  Practice it, in fact.  We’ll devote a future column to saying no. 

People can change their minds.  Someone texted me recently to get together, and my knee jerk response was to say yes.  But they wanted to meet with me right before a sensitive meeting I had already scheduled.  I was focussed on that meeting, and as the time got closer, I grew increasingly concerned that the last minute request might be a distraction.  So I changed my mind. I contacted the person, and told them that I had changed my mind, and would be happy to meet with them later, but would not be available as I first indicated. 

Everyone makes mistakes; making a mistake doesn’t give someone else the right to exercise control over the mistake maker.  Just because you make a mistake doesn’t mean you lose the right to make the decisions that affect you.  Some people will try to horn in on you when you mess up.  There is wisdom in getting insight from others, but you don’t have to yield control of your life to them.  Be aware when others may try to take over your decision making. 

I don’t have to be logical, and neither do others.  Your decisions do not have to make sense to others.  Others’ don’t have to make sense to you. 

I have the right to personal time.  People will often assume that if you are “not doing anything,” they have a claim on your schedule.  You have the right to free time, down time, and leisure time.  If you have a free night, you’re allowed to stay home and watch TV, for example.  You may have nothing on the calendar, but may know you don’t want to take someone up on a request regarding a given date.  You can truthfully say you have plans.  Others have the same right. 

I don’t know everything, and I don’t have to.  You’re allowed to ask questions.  Bear in mind (as Paterson says), that your boss has the right to be annoyed when you don’t know where the Smith file is. 

I have my opinions and convictions, and others have theirs.  Someone once gave me a coffee mug that read, “When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.”  I got the message. 

I have the right to protest unfair treatment or criticism.  Expressing your objections to unfair treatment in a healthy manner can work wonders for protecting yourself.  At the same time, mistreatment, as in the workplace, almost never gets better if you don’t stand up to it.  Bear in mind that you may need an advocate, and should secure one if necessary (see below).  You are not obligated to tolerate abuse. 

I have the right to ask for help and/or emotional support.  It’s okay to ask for help, for an advocate. 

Others can give advice, but they don’t make my decisions.  “There is wisdom in a multitude of counselors.”  But at the end of the day, you make the decisions and are  responsible.  You can’t blame others for decisions you make, and that’s why it’s all the more important not to allow yourself to be pressured into making decisions too quickly, or that you have not fully embraced yourself.    This counts when people give you unsolicited advice or try to pressure you, and it also means that when people ask you for advice, they don't have to follow it.  There’s no need to take it personally. 

I am not responsible for other people’s problems.  Be aware of any feelings that you have to “fix” problems others have.  They might be your children, relatives, close friends, or others.  Short of rendering life-saving first aid to an unconscious patient, it is empowering to let others solve their own problems.  They will grow, mature, and achieve healthy independence as you enlist their freedom to choose and act as a resource for them. 

Others are not responsible for solving my problems.  This pushes the buttons of people ensnared in dysfunctional or co-dependent family or work relationships.  There’s a difference between asking for help and making others responsible for solving our problems. 

Direct is usually better.  It’s most effective to simply state your position, request, question, objection, etc., politely and simply, rather than to beat around the bush, dropping hints, hoping they pick up on your passive aggressive, wishy washy wishes.

Make it yours 

• Which one of the above statements do you want to be sure to remember? 
• Is there a current relationship or situation where keeping in mind certain of these beliefs will provide you with significant support?  Describe it.  How would you like to approach it differently? 

Next time:  Some final thoughts before Part Two: Behaving Assertively  


For more on Assertiveness buy Dr. Randy Paterson's Assertiveness Workbook.