This article is eleventh in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way. Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook. There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks!
7. Size Matters: The Bonsai Principle
When I worked at a restaurant in southern Oregon, USA, our boss had a saying. He had several sayings actually, but the second best one was KISS – Keep it Simple, Stupid. There is strength in simplicity and directness. Less is more.
Bonsai is a Japanese art form using miniature trees grown in containers. The purposes of bonsai are primarily contemplation (for the viewer) and the pleasant exercise of effort and ingenuity (for the grower). There is a beauty and simplicity to bonsai.
There is a beauty and simplicity to assertive communication (grasshopper). As with bonsai, with assertiveness, less is more. Some of us will be tempted to explain ourselves too much, sometimes apologetically, sometimes ad nauseum. Others of us have trouble coming right out and saying it, so we are indirect, hoping the other person catches the hint. Conflict avoiders and people accustomed to passive aggressive communication are especially prone to indirect styles of communication (“Gee, I wish somebody would run to the store for me…”). The most effective way of communicating when trying to do so assertively is to keep it simple.
Keeping it simple means:
- Avoid accusations and assessments about character and motives
- Be dispassionate – leave emotionally charged intonations or words out of it
- Avoid giving a lot of rationale or explanation
Simply state your interest directly, neutrally and briefly.
For example, you might say, “Please empty the dishwasher” instead of, “You never do anything. Why can’t you be more like your (brother, sister, cat, gerbil). Your (brother, sister, cat, gerbil) does way more than you. You’re a lazy good for nothing mall rat! And you smell funny! The least you can do is empty the dishwasher for crying out loud!”
See what I mean?
8. Who’s in Charge?
When our four
children were young, Sue and I rented a pop-up camper for a week-long vacation
from hell at the New Jersey Shore. It
was a nightmare. The nights were sticky,
hot and humid. There was nowhere to
hide. The trip combined the worst of the
suburbs with the worst of the woods. We
were backed up against neighbours in a jam-packed campground, many of whom
lived there all season long and looked like it.
The only thing more smothering than the people were the mosquitoes. They were everywhere. It was the worst of both worlds.
The passive aggressive style is the worst of both worlds: you avoid taking responsibility for your own behaviour, but simultaneously try to control others. The aggressive style assumes you can control others. The passive style acts with the assumption that others control you. Who is in charge? You are.
The assertive style recognizes that 1) I am responsible for myself. I decide what I will and will not do, and I take responsibility. I can’t blame my mother and I can’t blame you. It also recognizes that 2) others are responsible for themselves, not me.
In a given situation, I do not learn to take charge of the situation as much as I learn to take charge of myself. Feel the power.
9. A Word about Humour.
Be careful about using humour when you first try wearing your new assertive clothes. While humour can take the edge off an otherwise assertive statement,
- It best to avoid humour with strangers. They may not get the joke. In fact, you may end up flat on your backside.
- Self-deprecating humour undermines assertive behaviour. If you are used to being passive, guard against self-deprecating humour. Don’t put yourself down, even humorously.
- If the other person is angry, using humour may send the message that you are not taking them seriously. You may end up flat on your backside. Again.
- Be aware that if you are angry or upset, using humour may mask passive aggressive behaviour of your own. Be careful with sarcasm.
As I have been finding my footing with assertive behaviour, for the time being I am avoiding the use of humour. Except with my wife, with whom it works. Usually.
10. What Would Bill Do? – Pick a Role Model
When I was in college, Bill White was my fraternity brother and on the ski team. Aside from being an extremely cool guy, Bill was a mad skier. He raced alpine, he raced cross country, and he ski jumped. I wanted to learn to cross country ski because I am of Norwegian descent and I decided that since that’s what Norwegians do, that’s what I would do. One day I watched Bill ski across the frozen Lower Saint Regis Lake, and he was truly art in motion. So I imitated him. I learned to ski cross country and ended up being a member of our college’s national championship ski team in 1977.
Think of two people whose assertive style you admire. Who are they?
When you are in a situation, ask yourself, “What would ______ do?” You may even want to create a wristband with the initials, “W.W.__.D.?” to help you remember. Wait a second. Didn’t,,,? Never mind. But you get the point. Imitation is the best form of flattery, and as you imitate assertive people you will become assertive yourself.
11. Safety First
Sometimes “it’s better to be a live dog than a dead lion.” Use wisdom. If you are in an abusive relationship, you need to get help that is bigger than developing assertiveness skill from a blog or a book. Violence is not to be trifled with. Assertiveness in the face of violence may look passive in the moment, but get help later. If you need help, get help.
12. A Product of our Culture
The Assertiveness Workbook, upon which this discussion is based, is written from a North American perspective. Your mileage may vary. Assertiveness means different things in different cultures. Bumping into someone on a crowded street in Asia is normal behaviour. Bumping into someone in downtown Philadelphia USA could invite a confrontation.
That said, an element of each of these behaviours – passive, aggressive, passive aggressive, and assertive – probably exists in every culture and people will benefit from developing assertive skills regardless of their cultural background. See what works for you. Just don’t get yourself killed.
Are you ready? Prepare for liftoff. Next time: non-verbal assertiveness.
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