Six rules to help you start being Assertive (Part 1 of 2)

Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical.

-- Yogi Berra

This article is tenth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 

All this so far has been background.  The best is yet to come.  

Soon we will begin to give you specific actions you can take to help you become more assertive.  

First, here are six key principles that will help you begin to use the skills we will give you.  We’ll do the other six next time. 

1. Assertiveness is what you do, not who you are. 

Assertiveness is a skill set, a learned behaviour. It’s not a personality type.  As you try out your new, assertive skills, it will probably feel unnatural for you, like wearing someone else’s shoes.  Treat it as an experiment, a role play. As you get comfortable with your new skills, they will begin to feel more natural.  And as you master these new skills, you will see results in your relationships and it will have a truly empowering effect. 

Act assertively and you will become assertive. 

2. Allow for errors.  Practice makes perfect. 

In British Columbia, Canada, new drivers are required to display an "L" symbol on their car.  It shows they're learners (so we can all get out of the way!).  If you treat your new assertiveness skills as a learning opportunity, it:

·         Takes the pressure off of the immediate situation

·         Gives you specific skills to practice as you develop your assertiveness skills

·         Keeps you looking ahead, so you’re not putting undue pressure on yourself to be perfect. 

Treat each assertiveness skill assignment as practice.  Give yourself permission to make mistakes.  In fact welcome them.  You’re moving out of your comfort zone!

Ask yourself: When I make mistakes how can I remember to make the most out of them?

3. Start easy. 

You can choose when and with whom you will practice your skills.  If you are taking up a new sport, you want to play against beginners, and to develop your skills so that you can progress toward more experienced players.  So start with easy tasks in easy settings with people you are relatively comfortable with.  

What is one situation you are facing right now that could be to challenging for you to face right away? 

Where is an easier place for you to start? 

4. This is not News Radio:  You don’t have to be all assertive, all the time.

You probably have settings and relationships where you just want to be able to let down your assertive self and relax.  Again – the flip side of choosing where you will be assertive allows for you to set it aside as well. 

5. Timing is everything. 

Delay your response to requests whenever possible, especially at first.  Learn to expand that “choice point” to allow yourself an opportunity to think through your response, to shift the balance of momentum to yourself, and to insert a delay so you are not simply reacting to people.  You can say things like, “Check back with me in ten minutes,” or, I’ll let you know Monday.” 

Set aside three days during which you will not agree to any request immediately. 

6. Strike while the iron is cool. 

When the situation is tense, it is all the more important to inject that choice point, that pause, into the situation so that emotions can diffuse.  Breathing exercises, physical exercise, and taking a time out to go off by yourself and regroup are all options to help de-escalate a tense conversation. 

Next time:  Six more.