Mission Impossible – Nonverbal Assertiveness (Part 3 of 2)[1]

This article is fourteenth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 

Okay, I promised you bonus homework assignments – extra credit!  The first exercise involves a short walk through town.  The second one is a voice exercise.  You can choose one or both. 

Exercise 1: A Walk in the Park   

Want some exercise?  No?  Need some exercise?  Sure, why not?  This will give you an opportunity to focus on your posture, eye contact, and facial expression, without worrying about carrying on a conversation with anyone. 

Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to go for a fifteen to thirty minute walk – someplace where there is a reasonable number of pedestrians – looking confident.  It can be in town, it might be at a mall, or through a park. Just make sure there will be a reasonable volume of other people. 

It doesn’t matter if you don’t feel confident.  This can be one of those opportunities where you role-play in order to develop a new skill.  It may feel unnatural, like wearing someone else’s clothes at first, but this is your opportunity to develop the skill of walking assertively in public! 

Here’s what you do: 

• Walk with an erect posture, shoulders back, body upright, no slouching. 
• Hold your head high and look ahead or horizontally.  Avoid too much looking down. Just don’t knock over that toddler.  Your chest precedes your chin. 
• Walk at a comfortable, enjoyable pace.  Allow your arms to swing naturally.  Put a little spring in your step. 
• Look happy, friendly.  Allow yourself a slight smile.  But try to avoid the Anthony Hopkins/Hannibal Lecter smile. 
• Make eye contact briefly as you approach people.  If/when you do look away, look to the side, not down. 
• Walk right down the middle of the sidewalk, path, etc.  When you pass oncoming people, step only a fair distance to one side.  Don’t take responsibility for getting completely out of the way of the other person (but don’t knock the shoulder of someone who is probably carrying a piece!).
• For extra challenge, try smiling!  Say hello to a few folks! 

Gauge how you‘re feeling while you are doing this exercise.  Once you have walked for a few blocks or so, walk passively.  In other words, look down, slouch, avoid eye contact, walk to one side, put a bag over your head… you get the idea.  Walk this way for a block or so.  How does it feel? Then, switch back again to an assertive stride.  You might find that you like it! 

Exercise 2:  Working with Your Voice

Here’s an exercise for your voice.  No one will see you – you can do it naked!  You’re on the phone. 

Your mission is to call someone you don’t know and ask for information.  You might

• call a hotel and ask their rates
• call a restaurant and ask whether you need reservations in order to eat there with four people on Saturday night
• call a library and ask whether they have audio books and whether there is a limit on the number you can borrow
• call a store from whom you recently received an ad, and ask about one of the products advertised 
• call a stranger, tell them you are conducting a survey, and ask if their refrigerator is running. When they say, “yes,” say, “Well you better go and catch it!”  And hang up.  No, don’t do that.  I have liability issues to consider. 

With the exception of that last idea, don’t worry too much about what you are saying.  Focus more on speaking naturally, with a conversational tone, being friendly, with a good, natural flow rate (like O2), and matching your tone to the content. 

When you’re ready: 

1. Think through (or even write down) what you are going to say ahead of time, to help you say it clearly and smoothly. 
2. If you are likely to be nervous, or even just for giggles, before you dial place your hand over your stomach and breathe using your diaphragm for a minute or two. Feel your stomach expand and relax.  During the conversation, continue to breathe from your diaphragm rather than from your “head.” 
3. Speak loudly enough and clearly. 
4. Be warm and friendly.  Don’t apologize or make excuses, or alternatively, sound angry or hostile, even if the person you are talking to isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, or is just a tool.  Stay positive, warm, and courteous. 

When you’re done, find the positives.  Avoid being critical of yourself – this is practice, remember? 

Fun stuff, eh? 

Next time: Giving Your Opinion

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[1] I am heavily indebted and dependent upon Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook for material.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book.