Be Master of your Soul, Captain of your Ship -- The Stress Barrier

This article is seventh in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 




He who rules his spirit is better than he who takes a city.

Proverbs 16:32

When a stressful situation hits you, your body responds in a primitive, fight or flight way.  But you are not stuck there.  You can choose your response.

You can position yourself to handle stressful situations both by 1) simple personal management skills and 2) tools you can use in the moment.

Personal Management 

Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook identifies personal management skills you can make that will help you increase your flexibility under stress.  You've heard it before. 

ü  Exercise regularly

ü  Eat well

ü  Get enough sleep

ü  Limit your caffeine and alcohol intake

ü  Lead a balanced life – overwork (for example) stresses your system and cuts into your body's ability to re-stabilize body chemistry.    

Tools In the Moment 
Break situations down into three parts:

1. the situation itself 
2. automatic response (fight or flight)  
3. the truth  

You see, we react to what we think is going on more than we react to what is actually going on. 

Try this: think of a situation in the past few days that caused stress.  How did you respond?  Which of the stress responses listed in my last blog entry did you experience?  Breathing and heart rate are the easiest to notice.  In every situation, you can identify:

1. The situation itself – “I’m stuck in slow traffic.” 
2. Automatic thoughts – “Grrr."   (impatience, breathing shallows, heart rate goes up) 
3. The Truth – I can’t pass yet, so I may as well relax and take a deep breath.  

Re-framing a situation is a powerful tool to regain mastery over our emotions and our automatic stress response.  Break situations down into these three parts -- the situation, automatic response, the truth -- and you can gain mastery over your emotions.  You can break the cycle.  

In the moment, you can reduce and sometimes even eliminate the stress response with this three step exercise: 

1. Pause.  Insert a gap – take a mini-break if you can.  STOP – Stop, Think, Observe, Plan.  Maybe you can physically remove yourself, even for a few minutes.  If you can’t leave, counting to ten actually can help. Ask yourself:
1. Is my life in danger?  (No) 
2. Will being tense help the situation?  (No) 
3. What’s the worst thing that can happen right now?  (there's no real threat to my physical safety) 

Break it down.  Identify

1. the situation; 
2. automatic thoughts (be specific, name them); 
3. the truth.  

You will gain control as you guide your thoughts and physical body.  You are becoming assertive!    

2. Burn it off.  Get intense exercise,.  One of the first talks I ever gave was to a student group at Oregon Institute of Technology in Klamath Falls.  I was incredibly nervous.  Right before the talk I found a place to be alone and did as many push-ups as I could.   You don’t have to do push-ups, but brisk exercise is effective at burning off the nervous energy that accompanies the stress response. 
3. Breathe.  Listen to your breathing.  If you find that it is shallow and rapid, slow down.  Take a deep breath.  You can even try placing your hand on your tummy and breathing slowly while you feel your stomach go in and out as you breathe.  People won’t likely notice.  At least let's hope not.  

 Next:  The Social Barrier -- social resistance to our being assertive.