Taking the Hits – Skills for Dealing with Negative Feedback, Part 3

This article is twenty-third in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 

Think of a recent situation in which you received negative feedback and the exchange went poorly.  Maybe you felt attacked and got angry. Maybe you were too passive and wish you had stood up for yourself better. Who did it involve?  _______  What was the issue? _______________________.  It’s okay, I’ll wait. 

As we go over the following baker’s dozen list of tools, make note of which ones apply to your situation.  Come back to these and draw upon them.  Like a new pair of jeans, they’ll feel a little stiff initially, but use them regularly and soon they will fit like a glove. 

1.    Take a Deep Breath

Literally.  I do this a lot.  I find that in certain situations, I tend to get nervous, and if I concentrate on relaxing my breathing, it helps me remember other tools as well (like assertive body language, etc.).  Relax.  Literally place your hand on your belly and feel your stomach move in and out till you get used to using relaxed breathing as a tool to help you relax. No one will notice.  Hopefully. 

2.    Avoid Retaliation

Recently in a conflict situation I tried to gain empathy from a friend by describing how busy I was.  He responded by telling me that he was way busier.  I felt unheard.  Instead of turning criticism back on the other person, stay on course till the other person has had their say.  Even if you feel they are just as guilty, by listening, you validate them. 

3.    Hold Back

Sometimes people will say things intentionally to hurt you, to get a rise out of you.  Avoid reacting to provocations. 

“Good sense makes one slow to anger,

and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”

– Proverbs

4.    Don’t Demand Perfection

People generally stink at giving criticism.  Take the meat and spit out the bones.  Find the kernel of truth.

5.    Validate their Perception

Crazy, isn’t it?  It feels like you’re giving in, but if they have a point, even a partial point, say so.  “I can see how you would think that.”  By validating your critic, even partially, you are showing them respect.  You increase the chance for a good dialogue, resolution, and strengthened relationships.  Agree wherever you sincerely can. 

6.    Validate their Emotions

If they are losing it emotionally, or if they are just upset, let them know you appreciate that this issue has affected them.  You’re helping them process their feelings so that you can get to dialogue. 

7.    Hear Them Out

Listen and Wait.  Let them get it all out.  Don’t argue.  Don’t cut them off.  Don’t interrupt.  Understand that it may take awhile, but it’ll be worth it.  Listening doesn’t mean you agree, but it can help you understand. 

“There is a kernel of truth in every criticism.

Look for it and when you find it, rejoice in its value.”

– Dawson Trotman

8.    Ask Clarifying Questions 

Get to what they are really saying.  They may make a sweeping criticism that is intended to hurt and condemn.  Move past that (let it go) and ask them specifically what it was that has prompted them to feel this way.  “Can you help me understand specifically what it is that is bothering you?” 

9.    Explain Without Making Excuses 

Keep it brief.  Avoid getting into a lengthy self-justification.  “Oh.  I see I didn’t empty that trash can.  Musta missed that one.” 

10.  Don’t Try to Change Their Mind

You can’t, for one thing.  You can also find yourself forever trying to gain the approval of people who use their friendship (or lack) to manipulate or punish you.  They’re allowed to think what they want.  And at the end of the day, their opinion of you does not define you. 

"It is better to keep your mouth closed

and let people think you are a fool

than to open it and remove all doubt."

– Mark Twain

11.  Thank Them   

Here’s another counterintuitive idea.  Even if the criticism didn’t come tied up in bows, smelling like flowers, and preceded by gentle words of praise, try to say, “Thanks.”  It costs nothing; it validates the critic, and reminds you that simple criticism can’t harm you.  When someone gives you something you need, it’s good manners to thank them. 

12.     Respond to the Style

If they did happen to give you constructive criticism that was gently delivered and a “feedback sandwich” (compliment – criticism – compliment), let them know you appreciate their input.  On the other hand, if they bashed you over the head (figuratively speaking, I hope), you might say, “Thanks.  I usually respond best though if you are very specific about what is concerning you.” 

13.    Ask for Time

Sometimes it’s wise to take a break, cool off, get perspective, and come together at a later date.  You can ask for time. 

For more on assertiveness check out Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book. Most of the material on assertiveness on my blog is based on his work. 

Taking the Hits – Receiving Negative Feedback Part 2 of 3

The Lord God said, “Who told you that you were naked?

– Genesis 3:11

This article is twenty-second in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 


You need criticism like you need Brussels sprouts, or in my case, cooked carrots.  You may not like it, but it’s good for you.  You may not like hearing it, but it’s necessary to sustain and deepen relationships.  Living without criticism is like not having a mirror to realize you have a piece of broccoli stuck between your teeth.  Like a good friend who lets you know your barn door is open, criticism helps us present ourselves better.  It helps us improve. 

Last time we looked at negative criticism and reviewed four kinds (only one of which was actually purely helpful).  Criticism is seldom fun.  But it’s all helpful, and you can make the most of the ammunition your critics level against you.  We learn more from our enemies than our friends.  Oh joy. 

But first you have to get past your reactions.  As promised, here’s a peek at how we react to criticism and then, we’ll introduce skills for coping with criticism. First things first. 

Reactions to Criticism

We react to our critics in a variety of ways, and as you read through these, you’ll see that they often build on each other. 

Fear – This is about the most normal reaction you can have when criticism is being leveled against you.  It’s a threat, after all.  Maybe you are being criticized about your job performance.  “Will I lose my job?”  Maybe someone makes a comment about one of your kids.  "Am I a bad parent?" It is worth distinguishing the event from your interpretation of the event:

Event à Interpretation based on beliefs à Response

For more on this, see my blog on how our beliefs impact our view of reality: Twisted Beliefs: The Belief Barrier. 

Anger – When we are criticized, we’ll often feel anger.  Who do they think they are, after all?  Anger may be a normal response.  It’s okay to feel anger, but it’s what you do with it that counts. 

Counterattack – We may strike back at our critic.  The best defense is a good offense, right?  If we can discredit our critic through their hypocrisy or imperfections, we can invalidate their criticism. Then we don’t have to look at ourselves.  Unfortunately, we are the ones who lose out.  There are usually valuable truths to be gleaned from even our worst critics.  And counterattack just makes things worse. 

Denial – Here’s another ineffective, self-protective way to invalidate your critic.  Once in a while, they’ll be totally off-base and it will be appropriate to deny the criticism.  More often than not though, we deny hard truths we do not want to acknowledge in ourselves. 

Defense – It may be a good idea to explain yourself from time to time.  The problem with this tactic is that it can end up empowering your critic to the role of your judge and jury.  They get to decide whether your “defense” is “good enough.”  Do you really want to give them that power? 

Shame & Inadequacy – According to Randy Paterson, each of us has a suspicion that deep down that we’re really not good enough; we’re not adequate; we’re not capable.  Christianity teaches that this inbred sense of shame goes back to the Fall, the sin of our first parents, when Adam and Eve disobeyed God and felt sudden shame at a nakedness they’d previously been quite comfortable with.  When shame takes over, criticism becomes the voice telling us we’re not good enough. 

For more on assertiveness check out Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book. Most of the material on assertiveness on my blog is based on his work. 

Taking the Hits – Receiving Negative Feedback. Part 1 of 3

This article is twenty-first in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 


Once I had a job in which I had no job-specific prior experience, but my transferable skills and academic background stood me in good stead.  I got the job based on that and my interview.  After I got the job I ended up working with someone (actually with two people) who had applied for the job I got. One of the people, a couple of weeks into it, said, "You’re doing a great job for someone who doesn’t know what he's doing.”  It really was that bold-faced.  (I am sitting at my desk laughing out loud as I recall this interaction.)  We did end up having a great relationship, won in part by good, direct conversations and the fact that we were both going through difficulty in our personal lives at the time. 

When we get criticized, it does not come all tied up in bows, smelling like flowers, and preceded by gentle affirmations.  Rarely do you get criticized in a way that is purely constructive. 

Instead, your critic may be in a bad mood.  He may have unrealistic expectations.  She may be trying to manipulate you.  He may be jealous and trying to knock you down a peg.  She may feel she’s competing with you.  He may just be frustrated.  She may be driven by fear (of hurting your feelings, losing the approval of others, etc.).  Hurt people hurt people.

Four Types of Criticism

Some of our critics do it without ever saying a word.  The non-verbal critic may look displeased or roll their eyes, for example, then deny anything when you ask them about it.  Know anyone like that? 

Others, like my co-worker above, may criticize you indirectly.  Passive aggressive people may offer a backhanded compliment.  It looks like a delicious appetizer, but like the hook with the worm, has a sharp barb hidden beneath the surface.  The positive compliment depends on a negative assumption.  “I love your innocent and unsophisticated approach to art.” 

Hostile criticism will be more personal.  It will be directed at our person, our character, our motives, our identity.  It’s designed to hurt.  Once I allowed my leashed dog to pee on a neighbor’s bushes.  That neighbor’s neighbor – not even the lady who owned the bush – stood in her upstairs window and repeatedly yelled, “You f***ing a**hole!” at me.  And she has a fire hydrant in her front lawn (how she tempts me).  

Direct criticism is open and direct without necessarily being aggressive.  It is often appropriately assertive.  It won’t be perfect, and it may sting a little, but it is accurate, behavior-oriented, and not meant to degrade.  Anytime you are on a learning curve it is normal to make mistakes – and receive correction.  "You forgot to lock the door when you left yesterday.  Be sure to lock up at night, okay?"  

Next time we’ll talk about how we react to criticism and some skills for coping with it.

For more on assertiveness check out Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book. Most of the material on assertiveness on my blog is based on his work.  

Why I Love the Church

In 1908, The Times newspaper asked a number of authors to write on the topic: “What’s wrong with the world?”. Gilbert Keith "G. K." Chesterton’s answer was the shortest of those submitted – he simply wrote: “Dear Sirs, I am. Sincerely yours, G.K. Chesterton”.  Let you who is without sin throw the first stone.  

I don’t like the church.  No, I love it.  God doesn’t give up on his church any more than he gives up on you.  Or me.  The faithful tenacity with which God hangs in there with his organized religious body on earth is a testimony to his willingness to forebear with us in spite of ourselves. 

It’s the easiest thing in the world to turn our backs on organized religion, to dismiss them all as hypocrites.  But God doesn’t.  God loves the self-righteous Pharisee as much as he loves the runaway-addict-sex trade worker.  The church is God’s first line of transformation as he reveals himself in culture.  There’s general revelation – God revealed in creation: when you see a sunset or the birth of a baby and you know – you just know – that there’s more to it.  There’s special revelation – God revealed in His Son Jesus Christ and through his Word, the Bible.

Then there’s you and me, kid.  Somewhere in the middle are the people of God, the children of God, the family of God.  You can pick your friends but you can’t pick your relatives.    And that’s why I’ll never turn my back on the church.  I’m related.  We’re flesh and blood. We’re His flesh and blood.  

Communion -- the Lord's Supper, the Eucharist, whatever you want to call it -- matters.  It’s there that we affirm that Christ gave his body for one body: the church.  To turn our back on the church would be to turn our back on ourselves, and on Christ. 

Christians disappoint, but no more than anyone else. At the end of the day, we’re going to turn around, look back upon it all, and drop our jaws in wonder.  The tables will be turned, and what seems so strong and important now will be shown for all it’s not, and the meek shall inherit the earth.  I like that.  

Value Added

Last night Sue and I attended a $150 a plate fund raising dinner for a good cause.  There were provincial representatives, a mayor, council members, the police chief, a number of other dignitaries, and it featured displays of remarkable talent.  There was a silent auction with an impressive array of offerings as well as a drawing for a very expensive item.  The people involved were sincere, passionate, and generous.  But something was off.  

The first moment came when the speaker referred to the “commodity of compassion.”  The second came with the all-too-familiar reference to “adding value” to people, through services and things.    

Adding a building – or a home, or a second home, or a farm or a new location -- doesn’t add value to you.  You are valuable.  Adding clothes or jewelry or tattoos doesn’t add value to you.  You are a treasure.  Adding degrees or certificates or credentials to your resume doesn’t add value to you.  You are priceless.  Adding status or popularity or a good reputation to your name doesn’t add value to you.  You are significant.  You matter.  You are of immense worth.  You bear the stamp of God himself.  Value added?  

When God created us at the beginning, he made us a reflection of himself.  He made us like he is.  He gave us a role that includes the care and custody of creation – a daunting task and privilege.  He made us – men and women equally – “in his own image.” 

Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”

So God created man in his own image,

in the image of God he created him;

male and female he created them.

Genesis 1: 26, 27

You don’t get more value added than that.  And because you carry God’s likeness within you, you are a child of the King.  You don’t need things or degrees or other people’s approval to make you matter, and nothing you have done can make you stop being in his image.  You can desecrate it, but you can’t disown it.  You can act contrary to your best capabilities, but you still matter, you are still worthy, you are still priceless and glorious.  You are made in the image of God. 

It is a truth that can solve any self-image issues you have and propel you toward purposeful living. You matter.  You are glorious.  Yes, you need an antidote for the bent within each of us to deface the glory within. And there is such a cure.  But you are of priceless value, of glorious significance, and you share a piece of divine real estate with the rest of humanity – right there inside you. 

Collusion in the Church

Leave our idols alone, and look the other way when we sin, and we’ll give you a comfortable living.  And God will bless us.

The man Micah had a shrine, and he made an ephod and household gods. Now there was a young man of Bethlehem in Judah, who was a Levite.  And as he journeyed, he came to the hill country of Ephraim to the house of Micah. And Micah said to him, “Where do you come from?” And he said to him, “I am a Levite of Bethlehem in Judah, and I am going to sojourn where I may find a place.” And Micah said to him, “Stay with me, and be to me a father and a priest, and I will give you ten pieces of silver a year and a suit of clothes and your living.” And the Levite went in. And the Levite was content to dwell with the man, and the young man became to him like one of his sons.  And Micah ordained the Levite, and the young man became his priest, and was in the house of Micah.  Then Micah said, “Now I know that the LORD will prosper me, because I have a Levite as priest.”

Judges 17

The current, traditional, "paid professional” model of pastoring is vulnerable to conflict of interest.  Maybe it's even inherent.  Look the other way about leaders' “household gods” and you can keep your job.  If we refrain from confronting the powerful about their sin issues (their "idols"), they’ll take care of us.  We can have a job, provide for our families, and hopefully have some stability.  None of us went into the ministry to build wealth after all.

That’s what the young Levite was after.  He was from the priestly class in Israel, so he had the pedigree.  Today, ours might include a degree from a respected seminary.  He was looking for a place to land.  The cultural climate during the time of the Judges was not unlike the rugged individualism, with its lack of respect for authority, characterizing North America today.  Lacking a king in Israel, “everyone did as he saw fit.”

The author makes a point to tell us that Micah had household gods – a reflection of the mix-and-match, make-God-in-our-image, syncretism of his day. There’s no indication the Levite calls his keeper to repentance for his idolatry.    Micah wants to have his cake and eat it too: keep his idols and worship God too.  And the Levite not only accepts his keeper’s compromise, he defends it.  In the next chapter, the Levite challenges five men – with their hundreds of armed companions – for taking the idols... till they offer him a job.

It’s okay if we prove our orthodoxy going after other people’s idols and confront their sin – especially if they are out of favor with the powerful.  It’s okay to go after heretics, liberals, Democrats, that denomination that just doesn't "get it" like we do, the "other," and the weak, baby Christians who haven't yet learned the right code words, the jargon, the correct political positions, the dos and don’ts of the mores of the North American Christian subculture, who have trouble fitting in, whose lives are messy, who aren’t as skilled at hiding their messiness as the veteran church goers.  But don’t trample in the garden of the power brokers.  Don’t challenge them about their idols. Or you will pay, stoned like the prophets of old.

They are paying our salaries after all; they hold our purse strings.  Like the Levite at Micah’s, if we turn a blind eye to their household gods, they will provide for us.  And if we do give in to the lie, ultimately, clergy or lay person, we deceive only ourselves.  At the end of the day, such shepherds are hirelings, and it's a business relationship.  Pastors are slow to confront sin impartially because they know the powerful will turn on them the moment they do.  And like Micah in our passage, leaders comfort themselves with the belief that because they are giving pastors a living, God owes them a blessing.

Reflect:

• If you're a church leader, what household gods -- what blind spots, what idols -- do you discern in your own heart, within your leadership, or in your congregation?  
• When does your natural tendency to hide your sin create a conflict of interest with your own willingness to be held accountable by the pastor you're paying?  
• How does your collective need for the gospel keep you both honest for the sake of Christ's church?