Taking the Hits – Receiving Negative Feedback. Part 1 of 3

This article is twenty-first in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 


Once I had a job in which I had no job-specific prior experience, but my transferable skills and academic background stood me in good stead.  I got the job based on that and my interview.  After I got the job I ended up working with someone (actually with two people) who had applied for the job I got. One of the people, a couple of weeks into it, said, "You’re doing a great job for someone who doesn’t know what he's doing.”  It really was that bold-faced.  (I am sitting at my desk laughing out loud as I recall this interaction.)  We did end up having a great relationship, won in part by good, direct conversations and the fact that we were both going through difficulty in our personal lives at the time. 

When we get criticized, it does not come all tied up in bows, smelling like flowers, and preceded by gentle affirmations.  Rarely do you get criticized in a way that is purely constructive. 

Instead, your critic may be in a bad mood.  He may have unrealistic expectations.  She may be trying to manipulate you.  He may be jealous and trying to knock you down a peg.  She may feel she’s competing with you.  He may just be frustrated.  She may be driven by fear (of hurting your feelings, losing the approval of others, etc.).  Hurt people hurt people.

Four Types of Criticism

Some of our critics do it without ever saying a word.  The non-verbal critic may look displeased or roll their eyes, for example, then deny anything when you ask them about it.  Know anyone like that? 

Others, like my co-worker above, may criticize you indirectly.  Passive aggressive people may offer a backhanded compliment.  It looks like a delicious appetizer, but like the hook with the worm, has a sharp barb hidden beneath the surface.  The positive compliment depends on a negative assumption.  “I love your innocent and unsophisticated approach to art.” 

Hostile criticism will be more personal.  It will be directed at our person, our character, our motives, our identity.  It’s designed to hurt.  Once I allowed my leashed dog to pee on a neighbor’s bushes.  That neighbor’s neighbor – not even the lady who owned the bush – stood in her upstairs window and repeatedly yelled, “You f***ing a**hole!” at me.  And she has a fire hydrant in her front lawn (how she tempts me).  

Direct criticism is open and direct without necessarily being aggressive.  It is often appropriately assertive.  It won’t be perfect, and it may sting a little, but it is accurate, behavior-oriented, and not meant to degrade.  Anytime you are on a learning curve it is normal to make mistakes – and receive correction.  "You forgot to lock the door when you left yesterday.  Be sure to lock up at night, okay?"  

Next time we’ll talk about how we react to criticism and some skills for coping with it.

For more on assertiveness check out Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book. Most of the material on assertiveness on my blog is based on his work.