This article is twenty-third in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way. Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook. There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks!
Think of a recent situation in which you received negative feedback and the exchange went poorly. Maybe you felt attacked and got angry. Maybe you were too passive and wish you had stood up for yourself better. Who did it involve? _______ What was the issue? _______________________. It’s okay, I’ll wait.
As we go over the following baker’s dozen list of tools, make note of which ones apply to your situation. Come back to these and draw upon them. Like a new pair of jeans, they’ll feel a little stiff initially, but use them regularly and soon they will fit like a glove.
1. Take a Deep Breath
Literally. I do this a lot. I find that in certain situations, I tend to get nervous, and if I concentrate on relaxing my breathing, it helps me remember other tools as well (like assertive body language, etc.). Relax. Literally place your hand on your belly and feel your stomach move in and out till you get used to using relaxed breathing as a tool to help you relax. No one will notice. Hopefully.
2. Avoid Retaliation
Recently in a conflict situation I tried to gain empathy from a friend by describing how busy I was. He responded by telling me that he was way busier. I felt unheard. Instead of turning criticism back on the other person, stay on course till the other person has had their say. Even if you feel they are just as guilty, by listening, you validate them.
3. Hold Back
Sometimes people will say things intentionally to hurt you, to get a rise out of you. Avoid reacting to provocations.
“Good sense makes one slow to anger,
and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”
– Proverbs
4. Don’t Demand Perfection
People generally stink at giving criticism. Take the meat and spit out the bones. Find the kernel of truth.
5. Validate their Perception
Crazy, isn’t it? It feels like you’re giving in, but if they have a point, even a partial point, say so. “I can see how you would think that.” By validating your critic, even partially, you are showing them respect. You increase the chance for a good dialogue, resolution, and strengthened relationships. Agree wherever you sincerely can.
6. Validate their Emotions
If they are losing it emotionally, or if they are just upset, let them know you appreciate that this issue has affected them. You’re helping them process their feelings so that you can get to dialogue.
7. Hear Them Out
Listen and Wait. Let them get it all out. Don’t argue. Don’t cut them off. Don’t interrupt. Understand that it may take awhile, but it’ll be worth it. Listening doesn’t mean you agree, but it can help you understand.
“There is a kernel of truth in every criticism.
Look for it and when you find it, rejoice in its value.”
– Dawson Trotman
8. Ask Clarifying Questions
Get to what they are really saying. They may make a sweeping criticism that is intended to hurt and condemn. Move past that (let it go) and ask them specifically what it was that has prompted them to feel this way. “Can you help me understand specifically what it is that is bothering you?”
9. Explain Without Making Excuses
Keep it brief. Avoid getting into a lengthy self-justification. “Oh. I see I didn’t empty that trash can. Musta missed that one.”
10. Don’t Try to Change Their Mind
You can’t, for one thing. You can also find yourself forever trying to gain the approval of people who use their friendship (or lack) to manipulate or punish you. They’re allowed to think what they want. And at the end of the day, their opinion of you does not define you.
"It is better to keep your mouth closed
and let people think you are a fool
than to open it and remove all doubt."
– Mark Twain
11. Thank Them
Here’s another counterintuitive idea. Even if the criticism didn’t come tied up in bows, smelling like flowers, and preceded by gentle words of praise, try to say, “Thanks.” It costs nothing; it validates the critic, and reminds you that simple criticism can’t harm you. When someone gives you something you need, it’s good manners to thank them.
12. Respond to the Style
If they did happen to give you constructive criticism that was gently delivered and a “feedback sandwich” (compliment – criticism – compliment), let them know you appreciate their input. On the other hand, if they bashed you over the head (figuratively speaking, I hope), you might say, “Thanks. I usually respond best though if you are very specific about what is concerning you.”
13. Ask for Time
Sometimes it’s wise to take a break, cool off, get perspective, and come together at a later date. You can ask for time.
For more on assertiveness check out Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook. If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book. Most of the material on assertiveness on my blog is based on his work.
No comments:
Post a Comment