Saying No

This article is twenty-fourth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 

I was at a social get-together recently with some great new friends.  The host asked me if I wanted another drink.  I said, “I don’t know...”  Now, you have to understand that in our home, when one of my kids says, “I don’t know,” she means no.  But in this setting, the person asking me thought for sure that I was saying yes.  He was delighted with my response in fact.  I was not crystal clear. 

Here’s the bottom line: If you can’t say no, you are not in charge of your life. 

If you can’t learn to say no to others, then they are in charge of your life, not you.  Others decide what to do with your agenda, your schedule, your time, and your money.  The only limits are the ones they themselves make when they don’t ask for something. 

Why we don’t say no

There are several reasons we don’t say no. 

We hope people won’t ask.  On some level you think you shouldn’t have to say no.  It’s their fault for asking.  If people were more considerate, they wouldn’t ask you for ___ (money, a ride, you to co-sign a loan, etc.). 

They won’t take no for an answer.  And that’s okay with us.  One of our kids asked for a cat for two years. Two years!  She wore us out.  She got her cat.  I learned a lesson. You have to back it up.  No more cats (One is fine)!  J

We’re afraid of rejection.  Maybe they use pressure to manipulate us.  Whether or not it’s really true, we’re afraid that person won’t like us.  But do you really want or need a relationship that is based entirely on the other person’s terms? 

You don’t think you can say no.  You have no right, you think.  Moms, this means you.  You think it's selfish to do something for yourself, to set a limit on what you will do for others, to deny your kids that thing they want (that boss, etc.).  Someone I know will not allow herself a pedicure because she thinks it is selfish.  Stop that. Get the pedicure. 

Self check

ü Who in your life is most likely to make unreasonable requests?  Your kids?  Your significant other?  A family member?  Your boss?  Who?  Name names. 

ü  Do they actually ask, or do they drop hints, like saying things like “I wish I could get a ride to the store…”  Do they leave their clothes lying around knowing you’ll pick them up, etc.? 

ü  What kinds of things do they ask for (hint for)? 

How to say no – tools for restoring the terrible twos to your vocabulary.  Remember – “no” is a good thing, especially if you’re a teenager and your opposite sex friend wants more than they deserve.  Reclaim that.  By the way, saying no is not about being “aggressive.”  You don’t have to become mean spirited in order to say no.  There’s actually more strength in simply being assertive than in yelling.  

"Nothing gives a person so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances."

Thomas Jefferson 

Use assertive body language – stand straight, look people in the eye, without staring them down (as you occasionally break eye contact, look to the side, not down).  Gesture naturally with your hands or let them hang by your side.  If you say "no" with your mouth but "maybe" with your body, people will tend to believe your body language. 

Decide on your answer before you say anything – if you are undecided about the matter at hand, don’t answer yet.  Remain “mysterious.” It’s a girl's prerogative.  Boys, it's yours too.  Naturally there will be occasions when dialogue is necessary to make a decision.  But if you dither, some people in your life people will take advantage of your being wishy-washy. 

Wait for them to ask.  Recently I was talking about procedures with someone.  They said, “I would do such and such…”  But they didn’t come out and ask me to do it their way.  So I asked, “Are you asking me to do that?”  She said, “I think I just did.”  But she hadn’t.  Don’t agree (or offer) to do something till someone actually makes a request.  I got out of taking my wife to the mall the other day because I waited till she actually asked. She didn’t.  Don’t tell her though!  (PS. Acts of kindness are okay.)

Say no clearly.  If you are not clear, many people will jump on your ambiguity and look for a crack in your resolve.  Be clear and unambiguous.  Again, don’t say maybe with your body language but no with your mouth.  Let no mean no. 

Don’t apologize unnecessarily.  Apologies are for when you have done something wrong.  It is not wrong to have appropriate boundaries and to make your own decisions about how you will use your time.  Avoid saying things like, “I’m sorry but I can’t,” or “I wish I could but…”  Unless your dog pooped on their lawn, save the apology for another time. 

Don’t defend your decision or make excuses if it’s not necessary.  You have the right to say no.  You don’t need anyone’s permission.  You’re a big (girl/boy).  If you ask permission, e.g., “Would you mind if I didn’t this time?” “Is it okay if I say no?” you  -- YOU – are telling them that they have authority over you. Do they?  Really?  I don’t think so. Neither do you.  

Strengthen the things that remain.  Strengthen your position.  In other words, expect some pushback.  If this new “no” lifestyle is a curve ball to the status quo, the dysfunctional “normal” that is your life, expect people to be ticked off and come back at you.  Even if you say the same “no” over and over again, avoid getting sucked into explaining yourself.  Sound like a broken record if you need to.  Don't back down.    

Don’t wait for their permission.  You don’t have to convince someone of your position.  They may try to make you.  You don’t have to justify yourself.  They may try to get you to explain your perspective as a tactic to deconstruct it.  Don’t bite.  Again, there will be occasions where you don’t want to be pig-headed, stupidly stubborn, or ignorant.  But you don’t need to outwit someone who thinks better on their feet than you, or has stronger verbal skills than you do.  No can mean no.  Just say it.  

Accept the consequences.  This is big.  You can say no, but other people don’t have to like it, and it may cost you. Overall, you will gain respect by others, the all-important self-respect, credibility, and have healthier relationships.  But you may lose a few too.  Others, especially family members or co-workers, may play hardball like you have never known.  But your integrity and health demands that you stay the course.  It's better to be respected than walked on.  

Remember: If you can’t say no, you are not in charge of your life. 

Want homework?  Ask.  If you’d like a few practical ways to make this real in your life, email me and we’ll make it happen. 

For more on assertiveness check out Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book. Most of the material on assertiveness on my blog is based on his work.