This article is twenty-eighth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way. Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook. There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks!
“You’re special." (just like everybody else)
Only in North America can we find such celebration of the individual. Each of us is unique though, so no matter how B is your BFF, no matter how soulful is your soulmate, there will be points of disagreement. It’s. Your. Destiny. Conflict is not a “whether” but a “when.”
If you have been with us through the assertiveness series, by now young Skywalker, you’ve been to Dagobah with Yoda and your training is almost complete. The force is strong with you. But you are not a Jedi yet.
It is in the throes of conflict that your assertiveness skills will be fully tested. Body language, expressing your opinion, controlling yourself, giving feedback, receiving feedback, making requests, everything comes together in conflict. You can run, but you can’t hide. You can fight, but it’s not about winning. That’s not the Jedi way. They did change it from Revenge of the Jedi to Return of the Jedi, after all.
We’re going to wrap up this series on assertiveness with a four part mini-series called Star Wars. Not very creative, I know. Please don’t tell.
So why is confrontation so difficult?
Challenges with Conflict
ü Complexity
Controlling yourself in conflict is like conducting a middle school orchestra. You need every instrument you’ve got, but you never know when someone is going to screech their note and send the whole thing flying off in some unplanned direction. You start out playing Beethoven’s 9th and before you know it you’re playing John Cage. Conflict requires that we use all of our assertiveness skills simultaneously.
ü The Importance of the Relationship
We seldom fight with (or over) someone (or something) we don’t care about. Something is at stake. It might be your spouse, your BFF, your boss, family members, co-workers, neighbours, lions, tigers, bears, Imperial storm troopers… people who can damage you. In conflict, the higher the stakes, the crazier things can get, and so it’s all the more important to keep your wits. Use the Force, Luke.
ü Importance of the Issue
Some issues are small. What to order for take-out, what to get people for Christmas, what Internet provider to use. But other issues are more important – faithfulness in the relationship, job security, child safety. When issues are important, and people are in conflict over them, it raises the stakes.
ü Symbolic Value
We just missed an opportunity to get our photo taken as a family for our church directory. One kid said, “Nope. Gotta run.” then another followed, and then before we knew it no one wanted to, all for their own reasons. On one level, it seems like a little thing. But on a symbolic level, it hurt. We have been through fires of testing in the last year and a half. We have emerged alive and well, full of joy, our faith intact, all worshiping, and in the same church, no less. For Sue, she knows the days when all her children will be together are numbered. There are only so many opportunities left when one or more of them will not be off somewhere. She loves having our family TOGETHER. Seemingly small matters take on greater importance when there is a symbolic meaning attached, but we often miss the greater meaning. You fight about the toothpaste tube when the real issue is feeling loved.
ü Duration
How long are you in conflict? You have to be able to think on your feet in conflict. Sometimes they are short spats. The best part is making up. Sometimes they are protracted, like divorce proceedings or professional grievances.
Pick an existing conflict in your life that you would like to move past.
Who does it involve?
What is the issue?
Next time we’ll explore five tools for getting ready to go against the Darth Vaders in your life. After all, he is your father. And in the end, your goal is reconciliation.
Most of the material on assertiveness on my blog is based on the work of Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook. If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book. He’s got exercises you can do on your own or with a partner – great material!
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