Making Requests (Part 2 of 2)

Mother chants her litany of boredom and frustration

But we know all her suicides are fake

Synchronicity II, The Police

Sting’s lyrics capture the essence of the powerless mom, worn down into passivity and who no one takes seriously any longer, least of all herself. 

A handy template for making requests is the DESO script: Describe – Express – Specify – Outcome.  Randy Paterson refers to it in The Assertiveness Workbook, but he got it from another book he highly recommends called Asserting Yourself, by Bower and Bower.  Here’s how it works: 

Describe

Describe the situation.  What is happening?  Less is more on this one.  As clearly as you can, with efficient use of words and with little emotion, state the issue.  This is not speech time.  If the issue involves someone else’s behavior, describe the behavior as briefly and objectively as you possibly can.  Never judge motives, agendas or personalities. 

Not so good: You are a good-for-nothing meatball. 

Better: I noticed that you didn’t clean your room again. 

Behavior is harder to argue with and if you want put someone on the defensive, tell them what their motives are.  Remember (see Part 1), you want to make a request, not make them feel like a good-for-nothing meatball or punish them with insults.  So describe the issue as simply and objectively as you can. 

Express

Here’s where you get to say how you are feeling, or the effect their actions (or the issues) have on you.  But again, state how you feel.  Don’t wear your feelings on your sleeve.  It'll distract from what you’re really after: results. 

In our church denomination candidates for ordination to pastoral ministry are required to pass an oral examination on the floor of presbytery.  They have to answer questions in front of all the other pastors and lay leaders in the region.  Anyone can ask anything in the areas of theology, Bible, etc.  One candidate was asked to define the doctrine of total depravity (the Christian view of sin that says that while we may not be as bad as we could be, sin affects every aspect of our being).  The candidate – and I still laugh when I consider his panache – answered by saying, “Would you like me to demonstrate it?” 

You don’t want to demonstrate how you feel.  You want to state how you feel.  Emphasize the positive if at all possible.  Remain calm.  Use “I” messages (but avoid making judgmental statements that masquerade as “I” messages).  Avoid being a martyr or victim. 

Not so good: I feel like you are a selfish pig. 

Better:  I miss the feeling of closeness we used to have together. 

The not so good example above looks like an “I” message, but it is really an insulting accusation.  I knew a man who was good at these.  Say how the issue makes you feel, succinctly. 

Specify

This is when you make your request.  Specify exactly what you hope will happen.  Decide ahead of time what it is you want.  Be specific but concise.  Couch your request in positive terms (say what you want, rather than what you don’t want).  Again, focus on behavior, not character or motives. 

Not so good: Stop being so stubborn. 

Better: I’d like you to get that report to me on the project before the end of the month. 

Outcome

This is the ultimate outcome.  If the other person does or does not comply with your request, here is where you express the consequences.  It may involve punishment, but it may not.  There may be a relational cost or benefit.  One of our kids was going through a period where they didn’t want to listen to us.  After trying some typical restrictions (that weren’t working), I expressed how close we have always felt, and how, ultimately, the trajectory the child was on would cost us in terms of our relationship.  I wasn’t manipulating; I was stating a fact, and the kid knew it.  Things turned around. 

Maybe the positive outcome will involve feeling better about things.  Maybe the results are what matters (the project will be done on time and within budget).  Maybe there will be a reward involved.  Perhaps a negative outcome involving punishment. 

Consider using a 3:1 ratio of positive outcomes to negative outcomes.  Affirm people three times as much as you criticize them.  Describe three positive outcomes for every negative one. 

Another working day has ended, only the rush hour hell to face

Packed like lemmings into shiny metal boxes, contestants in a suicidal race

Daddy grips the wheel and stares alone into the distance

He knows that something somewhere has to break

"Something somewhere" doesn't have to break.  You can find your voice.  Asserting yourself to make healthy requests is empowerment.  You don’t have to be walked on, or taken for granted.  By following the DESO template you are taking control of yourself, and you are providing a context for the other person to make an informed choice about their behavior. 

Try it

Identify a situation in your life in which you would like to make a request.  It might be a change in how things are going, it might be a favour; you might just want a different table at a restaurant. 

Who does it involve?  ___________________________

What’s the Situation? _______________________________________

Now write down the actual statements you might make as part of the DESO template: 

Describe:

Express:

Specify:

Outcome: 

A Progression

Over the next few days, be on the lookout for at least one situation where you don’t feel like your needs, desires or expectation are being met.  Think about it privately and write out a DESO script for it.  Here are some examples, from easy to more challenging: 

Level One

ü  Requesting a table at a restaurant. 

ü  Asking someone to pass the salt and pepper at dinner. 

Level Two

ü  Returning something to a retailer. 
ü Asking your neighbor to keep an eye on your place while you are away. 

Level Three

ü  Assigning a new and ongoing chore to a member of your household. 

ü  Asking a neighbour to pay for damage to property that they committed. 

Level Four

ü  Expressing dissatisfaction with your partner’s behavior. 

ü  Protesting unfair treatment from a work supervisor. 


Give it a go, make it fun, and see how you do with it.  

Most of the material on assertiveness on my blog is based on the work of Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book. He’s got exercises you can do on your own or with a partner – great material!