Taking the Hits – Receiving Negative Feedback Part 2 of 3

The Lord God said, “Who told you that you were naked?

– Genesis 3:11

This article is twenty-second in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 


You need criticism like you need Brussels sprouts, or in my case, cooked carrots.  You may not like it, but it’s good for you.  You may not like hearing it, but it’s necessary to sustain and deepen relationships.  Living without criticism is like not having a mirror to realize you have a piece of broccoli stuck between your teeth.  Like a good friend who lets you know your barn door is open, criticism helps us present ourselves better.  It helps us improve. 

Last time we looked at negative criticism and reviewed four kinds (only one of which was actually purely helpful).  Criticism is seldom fun.  But it’s all helpful, and you can make the most of the ammunition your critics level against you.  We learn more from our enemies than our friends.  Oh joy. 

But first you have to get past your reactions.  As promised, here’s a peek at how we react to criticism and then, we’ll introduce skills for coping with criticism. First things first. 

Reactions to Criticism

We react to our critics in a variety of ways, and as you read through these, you’ll see that they often build on each other. 

Fear – This is about the most normal reaction you can have when criticism is being leveled against you.  It’s a threat, after all.  Maybe you are being criticized about your job performance.  “Will I lose my job?”  Maybe someone makes a comment about one of your kids.  "Am I a bad parent?" It is worth distinguishing the event from your interpretation of the event:

Event à Interpretation based on beliefs à Response

For more on this, see my blog on how our beliefs impact our view of reality: Twisted Beliefs: The Belief Barrier. 

Anger – When we are criticized, we’ll often feel anger.  Who do they think they are, after all?  Anger may be a normal response.  It’s okay to feel anger, but it’s what you do with it that counts. 

Counterattack – We may strike back at our critic.  The best defense is a good offense, right?  If we can discredit our critic through their hypocrisy or imperfections, we can invalidate their criticism. Then we don’t have to look at ourselves.  Unfortunately, we are the ones who lose out.  There are usually valuable truths to be gleaned from even our worst critics.  And counterattack just makes things worse. 

Denial – Here’s another ineffective, self-protective way to invalidate your critic.  Once in a while, they’ll be totally off-base and it will be appropriate to deny the criticism.  More often than not though, we deny hard truths we do not want to acknowledge in ourselves. 

Defense – It may be a good idea to explain yourself from time to time.  The problem with this tactic is that it can end up empowering your critic to the role of your judge and jury.  They get to decide whether your “defense” is “good enough.”  Do you really want to give them that power? 

Shame & Inadequacy – According to Randy Paterson, each of us has a suspicion that deep down that we’re really not good enough; we’re not adequate; we’re not capable.  Christianity teaches that this inbred sense of shame goes back to the Fall, the sin of our first parents, when Adam and Eve disobeyed God and felt sudden shame at a nakedness they’d previously been quite comfortable with.  When shame takes over, criticism becomes the voice telling us we’re not good enough. 

For more on assertiveness check out Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book. Most of the material on assertiveness on my blog is based on his work.