Confrontation: Planning for Conflict (Part 2 of 4)

This article is twenty-ninth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 

As we count down to that final battle between you and Darth Vader, and you win him over so that in his dying moments he tells you that you were right all along, and he does love you, here are five tools you can use today to help you prepare for a lifetime of peacemaking.  Okay, that might be stretching it.  But at least you will learn some skills to help you relate to others more effectively.  

1.    State the issue to you.

Write it down.  Whazza mattah?  Put it into words.  One of the most helpful things about journaling is that it helps me clarify my thoughts and feelings.  By stating the issue, you put feelings and thoughts into words. 

Key:  You can’t solve an impression; you can only solve a problem. 

If you were with us last time, hopefully you identified a conflict, a person or an issue.  So check yourself.  Not for ticks, silly.  Not even for breast or testicular cancer.  Check yourself for clarity.  Begin with what comes easiest, maybe your feelings.  How do you feel?  Where do those feelings lead you?  Why? 

With the last blog post, I described feeling angry about not getting our pictures taken.  The feelings were certainly linked to all the symbolism I describe there, but my dad-ego was also bruised.  Reflection, honesty, a good wife (who never brought up any ego issues thank you very much), and writing it down all helped me state the issue.  Brainstorm if you like – throw it against the wall like spaghetti and see what sticks. (Does anybody actually DO that?) 

2.    Find the symbolic value

Remember in Confrontation Part 1 that the actual family photo was not a big event in terms of logistics.  It was free-of-charge and easy to do.  Its significance lay in what it meant to my wife and me.  The symbolic value was high.

So what does the issue mean to you and your key relationship(s)?  What does it symbolize?  Your reaction may be more about what it means than what it is.  Remember:

Event à Interpretation based on beliefs à Response

Your feelings about the issue are likely to be as much about what the situation symbolizes as the events themselves.  Sometimes we draw valid conclusions about others’ behavior.  Usually, though, we’re wrapped up in ourselves, our issues, and our history.  Once bitten twice shy and all that.  A boy/girlfriend broke our heart and so we think all men/women are jerks.  We were sexually abused as a child and we continue to have issues with intimacy.  Often our “scripting” (life history and its influence on present behavior) is understandable.  But we don’t have to be defined by our past. 

ü  What’s the issue/conflict you identified? 

ü  What are the bare-bones facts or actions that have made it an issue? 

ü  What does it symbolize to you? 

ü  Which makes more sense to deal with this time: the actions or the symbolism? 

Keep in mind that it is usually easier to deal with the actions/behavior/facts.  When it comes to symbolism, the meaning to you is likely to be different than the meaning to others.  Just ask anyone who has tried to get their older kids to sit for a church directory photo.

3.    Describe the problem in behavioral terms

Just the facts, ma’am.  Try this:  treat the problem like a third party.  Instead of wrapping it up in the other person or yourself, separate it out.  Look at it as objectively as you can, and imagine it is an additional participant or an unopened package that needs to be dealt with.  This can help you separate. 

With the family photo, on an intellectual level, I knew they had as many reasons not to get their picture taken at that moment as we have kids (that would be four).  I went to bed angry with my kids that night, but I woke up thinking, “God would not be as hard on them as I wanted to be.  He’d cut them slack. He’d know what was going on in their own minds.  He’d forgive them.”  I was having my DQT and remembered, “It’s a man’s glory to overlook an offense.”  Reframing it from God's perspective helped me to see their actions apart from a symbolism that had not occurred to my children.    

So take your issue and write a paragraph – just a few sentences is fine – describing the specific, behavioral, observable, measureable events involved.  Avoid projecting about the other person’s motives or what you think they were trying to do.  Just state what happened. 

4.    Define your goal

What do you really want?  You may want to hurt the person as they hurt you.  You may want to punish them.  You may want (passive aggressively) to talk about them behind their back and ruin their reputation.  You may want the other person to change. You may want to win.  You may want to humiliate your enemy.  You may want them to admit they were wrong, were trying to screw you over, and are responsible for their own darn problems.  You may want a mediated reconciliation – take it from one who has been on both sides of the process, orchestrated peace doesn’t work if both parties don’t want it from the heart. 


Choose a goal you can control and with which you can maintain your honour.  You can ask for behavioral change: 

• “I’d like you to empty the garbage every week.” 
• “I’d like you to get to work on time.” 
• “I’d like you to stop blaming me for your addiction to chocolate.” 

Just remember that they have a choice too.  Set a realistic goal that is behavior and action oriented.  Go ahead. 

5.   Take a good hard look at yourself.   

Are you really the one who is fault?  Take a look in the mirror.  Get the log out of your own eye.[i]  How have you contributed to the conflict?  In the case of the family picture, in retrospect I did not communicate my desire clearly.  I expected (and was prepared for) the two older kids' opting out.  I could live with that. But I assumed the younger two would go along.  If I had communicated better, the younger two could have been prepared. 

"When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me.”

~ Oscar Wilde

There are occasions when you will be sinned against undeservedly.  Childhood abuse, victims of assault, workplace bullying[ii] all involve being sinned against.  In cases like these, there can be a natural inclination to take inappropriate responsibility for the sins of others against you.  We’re not talking about that. 

In most cases, we can find our own contribution to the problem.  And sometimes we are the problem.  For example, if you want people to stop taking advantage of you, maybe you need to learn to say no. 

Next time: Five more tools of the trade. 

Most of the material on assertiveness on my blog is based on the work of Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book. He’s got exercises you can do on your own or with a partner – great material!  

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[i] “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.  Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." (Matthew 7:1-5)

[ii] My next series will focus on workplace bullying, with special focus on bullies in the church.  

Confrontation (Part 1 of 4)

This article is twenty-eighth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 

“You’re special." (just like everybody else) 

Only in North America can we find such celebration of the individual.  Each of us is unique though, so no matter how B is your BFF, no matter how soulful is your soulmate, there will be points of disagreement.  It’s. Your. Destiny.  Conflict is not a “whether” but a “when.” 

If you have been with us through the assertiveness series, by now young Skywalker, you’ve been to Dagobah with Yoda and your training is almost complete.  The force is strong with you.  But you are not a Jedi yet. 

It is in the throes of conflict that your assertiveness skills will be fully tested.  Body language, expressing your opinion, controlling yourself, giving feedback, receiving feedback, making requests, everything comes together in conflict.  You can run, but you can’t hide.  You can fight, but it’s not about winning.  That’s not the Jedi way.  They did change it from Revenge of the Jedi to Return of the Jedi, after all. 

We’re going to wrap up this series on assertiveness with a four part mini-series called Star Wars.  Not very creative, I know.  Please don’t tell. 

So why is confrontation so difficult? 

Challenges with Conflict

ü  Complexity

Controlling yourself in conflict is like conducting a middle school orchestra.  You need every instrument you’ve got, but you never know when someone is going to screech their note and send the whole thing flying off in some unplanned direction.  You start out playing Beethoven’s 9^th and before you know it you’re playing John Cage.  Conflict requires that we use all of our assertiveness skills simultaneously. 

ü  The Importance of the Relationship

We seldom fight with (or over) someone (or something) we don’t care about.  Something is at stake.  It might be your spouse, your BFF, your boss, family members, co-workers, neighbours, lions, tigers, bears, Imperial storm troopers… people who can damage you.  In conflict, the higher the stakes, the crazier things can get, and so it’s all the more important to keep your wits.  Use the Force, Luke. 

ü  Importance of the Issue

Some issues are small.  What to order for take-out, what to get people for Christmas, what Internet provider to use.  But other issues are more important – faithfulness in the relationship, job security, child safety.  When issues are important, and people are in conflict over them, it raises the stakes. 

ü  Symbolic Value

We just missed an opportunity to get our photo taken as a family for our church directory.  One kid said, “Nope. Gotta run.” then another followed, and then before we knew it no one wanted to, all for their own reasons.  On one level, it seems like a little thing.  But on a symbolic level, it hurt.  We have been through fires of testing in the last year and a half.  We have emerged alive and well, full of joy, our faith intact, all worshiping, and in the same church, no less.  For Sue, she knows the days when all her children will be together are numbered.  There are only so many opportunities left when one or more of them will not be off somewhere.  She loves having our family TOGETHER.  Seemingly small matters take on greater importance when there is a symbolic meaning attached, but we often miss the greater meaning.  You fight about the toothpaste tube when the real issue is feeling loved. 

ü  Duration

How long are you in conflict?  You have to be able to think on your feet in conflict.  Sometimes they are short spats.  The best part is making up.  Sometimes they are protracted, like divorce proceedings or professional grievances.    

Pick an existing conflict in your life that you would like to move past. 

Who does it involve? 

What is the issue? 

Next time we’ll explore five tools for getting ready to go against the Darth Vaders in your life.  After all, he is your father.  And in the end, your goal is reconciliation. 

Most of the material on assertiveness on my blog is based on the work of Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book. He’s got exercises you can do on your own or with a partner – great material!  

Making Requests (Part 2 of 2)

Mother chants her litany of boredom and frustration

But we know all her suicides are fake

Synchronicity II, The Police

Sting’s lyrics capture the essence of the powerless mom, worn down into passivity and who no one takes seriously any longer, least of all herself. 

A handy template for making requests is the DESO script: Describe – Express – Specify – Outcome.  Randy Paterson refers to it in The Assertiveness Workbook, but he got it from another book he highly recommends called Asserting Yourself, by Bower and Bower.  Here’s how it works: 

Describe

Describe the situation.  What is happening?  Less is more on this one.  As clearly as you can, with efficient use of words and with little emotion, state the issue.  This is not speech time.  If the issue involves someone else’s behavior, describe the behavior as briefly and objectively as you possibly can.  Never judge motives, agendas or personalities. 

Not so good: You are a good-for-nothing meatball. 

Better: I noticed that you didn’t clean your room again. 

Behavior is harder to argue with and if you want put someone on the defensive, tell them what their motives are.  Remember (see Part 1), you want to make a request, not make them feel like a good-for-nothing meatball or punish them with insults.  So describe the issue as simply and objectively as you can. 

Express

Here’s where you get to say how you are feeling, or the effect their actions (or the issues) have on you.  But again, state how you feel.  Don’t wear your feelings on your sleeve.  It'll distract from what you’re really after: results. 

In our church denomination candidates for ordination to pastoral ministry are required to pass an oral examination on the floor of presbytery.  They have to answer questions in front of all the other pastors and lay leaders in the region.  Anyone can ask anything in the areas of theology, Bible, etc.  One candidate was asked to define the doctrine of total depravity (the Christian view of sin that says that while we may not be as bad as we could be, sin affects every aspect of our being).  The candidate – and I still laugh when I consider his panache – answered by saying, “Would you like me to demonstrate it?” 

You don’t want to demonstrate how you feel.  You want to state how you feel.  Emphasize the positive if at all possible.  Remain calm.  Use “I” messages (but avoid making judgmental statements that masquerade as “I” messages).  Avoid being a martyr or victim. 

Not so good: I feel like you are a selfish pig. 

Better:  I miss the feeling of closeness we used to have together. 

The not so good example above looks like an “I” message, but it is really an insulting accusation.  I knew a man who was good at these.  Say how the issue makes you feel, succinctly. 

Specify

This is when you make your request.  Specify exactly what you hope will happen.  Decide ahead of time what it is you want.  Be specific but concise.  Couch your request in positive terms (say what you want, rather than what you don’t want).  Again, focus on behavior, not character or motives. 

Not so good: Stop being so stubborn. 

Better: I’d like you to get that report to me on the project before the end of the month. 

Outcome

This is the ultimate outcome.  If the other person does or does not comply with your request, here is where you express the consequences.  It may involve punishment, but it may not.  There may be a relational cost or benefit.  One of our kids was going through a period where they didn’t want to listen to us.  After trying some typical restrictions (that weren’t working), I expressed how close we have always felt, and how, ultimately, the trajectory the child was on would cost us in terms of our relationship.  I wasn’t manipulating; I was stating a fact, and the kid knew it.  Things turned around. 

Maybe the positive outcome will involve feeling better about things.  Maybe the results are what matters (the project will be done on time and within budget).  Maybe there will be a reward involved.  Perhaps a negative outcome involving punishment. 

Consider using a 3:1 ratio of positive outcomes to negative outcomes.  Affirm people three times as much as you criticize them.  Describe three positive outcomes for every negative one. 

Another working day has ended, only the rush hour hell to face

Packed like lemmings into shiny metal boxes, contestants in a suicidal race

Daddy grips the wheel and stares alone into the distance

He knows that something somewhere has to break

"Something somewhere" doesn't have to break.  You can find your voice.  Asserting yourself to make healthy requests is empowerment.  You don’t have to be walked on, or taken for granted.  By following the DESO template you are taking control of yourself, and you are providing a context for the other person to make an informed choice about their behavior. 

Try it

Identify a situation in your life in which you would like to make a request.  It might be a change in how things are going, it might be a favour; you might just want a different table at a restaurant. 

Who does it involve?  ___________________________

What’s the Situation? _______________________________________

Now write down the actual statements you might make as part of the DESO template: 

Describe:

Express:

Specify:

Outcome: 

A Progression

Over the next few days, be on the lookout for at least one situation where you don’t feel like your needs, desires or expectation are being met.  Think about it privately and write out a DESO script for it.  Here are some examples, from easy to more challenging: 

Level One

ü  Requesting a table at a restaurant. 

ü  Asking someone to pass the salt and pepper at dinner. 

Level Two

ü  Returning something to a retailer. 
ü Asking your neighbor to keep an eye on your place while you are away. 

Level Three

ü  Assigning a new and ongoing chore to a member of your household. 

ü  Asking a neighbour to pay for damage to property that they committed. 

Level Four

ü  Expressing dissatisfaction with your partner’s behavior. 

ü  Protesting unfair treatment from a work supervisor. 


Give it a go, make it fun, and see how you do with it.  

Most of the material on assertiveness on my blog is based on the work of Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book. He’s got exercises you can do on your own or with a partner – great material!   

Making Requests (Part 1 of 2)

This article is twenty-sixth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 


Corner Gas is a popular Canadian sitcom that is in reruns now.  It shows in some parts of the US.  The show centers around the residents of a small Saskatchewan town called Dog River, and the dialogue is often drawn directly from conversations overheard in small town diners across the Canadian prairies.  It’s a great show, and I have a corner Gas coffee mug to prove it. 

One episode features a subplot involving veteran police officer Davis Quinton (Lorne Cardinal) and the perennial rookie Karen Pelly (Tara Spencer-Nairn).  Neither of them wants to make the coffee.  So they keep taking just enough so that there’s barely a cup left so that their partner has to make the next pot. 

By now you know that assertiveness[i] is not about getting what you want.  What it really boils down to is controlling your behavior without trying to control anyone else’s. 

Over the last few blog posts we’ve taken a little break from assertiveness per se and I want to finish this series out and get moving onto some new things.  The last piece on assertiveness we did was on saying no.  When you say no, you are asserting your right to decide for yourself what you will and will not do.  If you’re still learning assertiveness, saying no might be very difficult.  Making requests can be tough too. 

But remember, people can ask anything they want and so can you.  You can refuse any request that comes and so can they.  Assertiveness is about controlling our own behavior without trying to control the behavior of others.  Some of us are passive, and we rarely ask anybody for anything, as if we don’t have the right. Aggressive people believe on some level that they have the right to tell others what to do.  Aggressive people feel respected as long as other people are compliant, submissive.  Passive aggressive people try to arrange circumstances so that the other person has to do the desired action without their being asked, like Davis and Karen from Corner Gas with their coffee pot. 

It is perfectly reasonable to make requests of others.  It is perfectly reasonable to decline requests, even if it ticks the other person off. 

Here are five tips for making requests of others: 

1.    Figure out what you want to have happen in a given situation.  Sometimes we’re so full of emotion we are more interested in venting on the other person than actually seeing anything change.  That reinforces a feeling of helplessness.  Set aside their feelings for now.  What do you want? 

2.    Reflect on what is reasonable in the situation.  If you seem to do the dishes all the time and they rarely do the dishes, maybe it’s reasonable to ask them to do the dishes.  If you have a hard time making requests, you may need to re-align your idea of what’s reasonable.  Review my blog post, Believing Assertively if you’d like. 

3.    Don’t apologize for asking.  Again – broken record time – you can ask for anything you want.  Just remember others can say no.  If you apologize you are telling them that you don’t think you have the right to ask.

4.   Don’t put yourself down in the same breath you make your request.  So avoid saying things like, “I’m such an idiot.  I left my wallet at home. Do you mind paying and I’ll pay you back later?” 

5.    Phrase your request as just that: a request.  It’s not a demand and assertiveness does not make demands (aggressiveness does). 

We’ll flesh this out next time using a DESO script: Describe, Express, Specify, Outcome.  See?  I’m whetting your appetite.

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[i] Most of the material on assertiveness on my blog is based on the work of Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book. He’s got exercises you can do on your own or with a partner – great material! 

God on Our Side

Joshua lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, 

a man was standing before him with his drawn sword in his hand.

And Joshua went to him and said to him,

“Are you for us, or for our adversaries?”

And he said, “No."

– Joshua 5

Who doesn’t want God on their side?  How many political leaders invoke a divine mandate as they send young men off to war, with all the trimmings?  How many of us have witnessed God-talking people inflict abuse and mistreatment on others, all the while prayerfully asking God’s blessing on their god-awful conduct? 

God will wear no one’s T-shirt. 

If anyone has reason to presume the Lord’s favour, Joshua does.  Joshua is the heir apparent to the Mighty Moses, at whose hand the Red Sea parted.  God’s Divine handoff now falls to Joshua.  The Divine Plan of Redemption, predestined before the foundations of the earth were laid to lead his chosen people to the Promised Land is in the hands of an inexperienced, untested protégé, full of faith and fear.  Chapter 1 of the Book of Joshua repeats “ [the Lord] will be with you [Joshua] no fewer than three times, and some form of “Don’t be afraid” at least five.  Moses is dead, and it falls to Joshua to lead these ornery Israelites into the land of milk and honey.  It must come to pass.  It goes back to God’s promise to the patriarch Abraham, and reaffirmed with every generation.  It is the hope of Israel.  Surely God is on Joshua’s side, right? 

Joshua went to him and said to him,

“Are you for us, or for our adversaries?”

And he said, “No."

You see, we align with God; not he with us.  The ends do not justify the means.  We don’t presume God’s favour.  Joshua will learn shortly at the cost of Israeli lives that God’s blessing accompanies the obedience of his people, and to disobedience is dealt discipline. 

When Joshua was by Jericho, he lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, a man was standing before him with his drawn sword in his hand. And Joshua went to him and said to him, “Are you for us, or for our adversaries?” And he said, “No; but I am the commander of the army of the Lord. Now I have come.”

Joshua has just completed his own crossing-of-parted-waters miracle, just like Moses.  Israel has crossed the Jordan to the other side, and the only thing between them and their inheritance are a dozen or so kingdoms ready to fight for their land and families. 

And Joshua fell on his face to the earth and worshiped and said to him, “What does my lord say to his servant?”

Joshua gets it.  Suddenly he knows it’s bigger than his side or his enemies’ side.  As much as it falls on him, Joshua in this moment has one response: to worship. 

And the commander of the Lord's army said to Joshua, “Take off your sandals from your feet, for the place where you are standing is holy.” And Joshua did so.

As Moses was charged with taking off his sandals for standing on holy ground, again all Israel is seeing a divinely appointed man like Moses – the anointing, the parted waters, the holy ground. The plan comes together.  And the plan is fulfilled in yet another like Moses, in whose presence others removed their sandals, so he could wash their feet.  Aligning with God's plan seldom looks like the world thinks it should.  The path up is down.  Humility and service is the path of the King.  

It’s God’s plan.  It’s not Joshua’s or Israel’s or mine or yours.  And that’s a good thing. 

Looking Ahead

My wife and I were talking the other day about some recent adversity in our lives (recent as in over a year ago).  In expressing her posture of putting it behind her, Sue said, “I don’t want to turn into a pillar of salt.” 

That reference to Lots wife, fleeing Sodom, was great. 

There are three ways we can look back. 

1. Looking back at our past misdeeds. 

We were playing a game at some friends' house.  Everyone writes down answers to a question, then everyone guesses whose answer it is, for points.  The question came up, “What should you not discuss with others?” 

One of the players said, `Past misdeeds.` Like anyone, when I was younger I did things I`m ashamed of. I understand better today what was going on with me at that time and I have made amends as best  I could, where to do so wouldn`t likely cause more harm. 

But occasionally I am hampered by feelings of shame and regret.  It`s a battle to apply the forgiveness of God to myself, to forgive myself. 

2. Dwelling on our wounds. 

A friend of mine was in a conflict with someone she cared very much about and in working it out, no matter how she sliced it, the other person seemed to need to be the bigger victim.  No apology, no acknowledgement of his contribution to the conflict, no responsibility.

If we`re a victim, it relieves us of responsibility.  But it`s just another way we rob ourselves of the best God has for us.  Living out of a Victim paradigm can let us engage in another form of being self-centred. 

3. Resting on our laurels. 

When we start consoling ourselves with the past instead of trusting God for the future, we`re off our game.  That`s what Paul did in Philippians 3.  He lists his achievements and credentials as a Pharisee (1st century Jewish lay leader) then declares them a liability rather than an asset.  (Paul also considered himself to be a bigger sinner than anyone else. He had some regrets of his own).  If we're here, there's a reason.  You're part of The Plan.  

That`s when Paul says: 

[My life`s goal is to] gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.  Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained.

He recognizes:

1.  It`s not about him; it`s about Christ:

"... in order that I may gain Christ..." 

2. His self worth -- indeed, his standing before God -- is based on God`s value of him, not personal achievements:  

"... not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith..." 

3. He's on record as being a work in progress.  He doesn`t give up on himself because God doesn`t give up on him. 

"... Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own."  

4. He`s looking forward, not back:

"...one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal..." 

5. He stays focussed and patient. 

"[The prize is ] the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained."

So remember

1. It's not just about you; there`s a bigger context to your life.  You're part of The Plan. 

2. Your self-worth is too great to be reduced to anything this earth measures value by – you come from God.  Talk about branding.  Your acceptability to God comes from outside of yourself.  

3. You are a work in progress.  Never, ever give up on yourself, because God doesn`t give up on you. 

4. Keep your focus forward.  Let the past be the past.  In Christ, God has separated your sins as far as east is from west.  He heals wounds.

5. Keep your eyes on the prize.   Be patient and open.  You don`t have to be perfect all at once.  God will show you what you need to know.  He is with you. 

So what's your bent -- more toward regrets about past misdeeds?  Being a victim of others' (perhaps very real) sins against you?  Thinking it's about what you've accomplished (or misdeeds avoided)?  I don`t want to be a pillar of salt.  How `bout you? 

Stuff I learned in College: the DQT

 I was having a Quiet Time[1] this morning, and it occurred to me that the spiritual discipline of the Quiet Time is something I have been doing since college.  It was at that time that my University of Idaho Inter-Varsity staff worker Bill Cook, meeting with me for one-on-one discipleship, told me that the habits I form now, in college, are like concrete that is setting; they are practices that I will carry into adult life. 

So although I was having a private, personal, daily time alone of Bible Study, prayer, worship, and scripture memorization, Bill helped me with this.  He also expected me to be involved with a local church.  He would say, "Fellowship on campus is essential, but one day soon you’ll be done with college, and you’ll be out in the world, and the local church is where it’s happening."  Plus it's a good way to meet girls -- I met my wife there.  

The Daily Quiet Time, involvement in a local church, maintaining vital fellowship and strategic ministry in my life, these are my raindrops on roses, my whiskers on kittens, my brown paper packages tied up with string.  This is the stuff I learned in college when I wasn’t learning psychology. 

1.    Start slowly

The important thing, like with exercise, is to be consistent.  It’s more important to do it regularly than to do a lot at once.  Naturally, if you decide to take extra time because you get swept up in visions of rapture bursting on your sight you’ll want to run with it.  But keep it manageable.  When I started having daily time with God, I found the devotional Our Daily Bread at a church I visited, and started with just ten minutes in the morning. 

2.    KISS – Keep it Simple, Stupid (Did I really just say that?)

Like 1 above, avoid being overly ambitious and growing discouraged before you even get out of the gate.  A little Bible reading and prayer go a long way.  We’ll talk more about this later.  But for now, just a chapter a day is huge.  Starting in the New Testament with one of the gospels gets you right to Jesus in a hurry. I am partial to Luke, but they’re all the Word of God of course. 

I caution against starting in Genesis thinking you’ll read through the Bible.  Leviticus has claimed the lives of many neophyte Bible readers.  Save it for later.  The book of Hebrews made no sense to me for years and now it’s one of my favourite books. 

3.    Pray

When I first started I felt self-conscious and as if I was talking to the walls.  You’ll get over that.  Be specific and really say the words.  You receive not because you ask not.  If you ask for airy fairy things you will get airy fairy answers.  If you ask God to help your friend overcome his pornography addiction, you know what to look for, answer-wise.  If you say the words out loud (or even mouth them) it will help you stay focussed and to be specific.  I take advantage of my wandering mind by praying for the things my mind wanders to – it is those things about which I am most anxious.  

4.    ACTS

The Lord’s Prayer is a great model for prayer and a great prayer to pray (there’s a reason it’s in the Bible after all).  It was Jesus’ answer to the disciples’ question, “Lord, teach us to pray.”

Another way to keep your priorities straight is to pray the ACTS acronym: Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication (requests). 

ü  Adore God by singing one or two of your favourite worship songs/hymns. 

ü  Confess your sins (again, be specific). Tell him anything that weighs down on your conscience. 

ü  Thank him, starting by thanking him for the forgiveness of those sins you just admitted to.  That’s why Jesus died on the cross after all, to forgive the sins of everyone who trusts in Him. 

ü  Supplication – that’s a fancy word for making requests (see above). 

5.    Add to your tool box

As you grow, so will your appetite.  The baby food you started with won’t satisfy.  Your Quiet Times may grow restless, stale.  God may be allowing your unsettledness to prompt you to grow more.  Scripture memory, journaling (including keeping a prayer journal), using devotional tools like Our Daily Bread, My Utmost for His Highest, etc. can supplement your spiritual diet. 

6.    Be flexible. 

Don’t worry if you miss a day.  If you fall off your horse get back on.  If you fall into sin, run back to God.  He’s awesome for that.  He came to save the sinners.  It’s not the healthy who need the doctor but the sick.  Don't beat yourself up if you miss a day or two.  

Rock on, young Christian.  Lord willing and the Fraser doesn’t rise, we’ll look at more stuff I learned in college from time to time. 

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[1] The Daily Quiet Time is Christian-ese.  It’s jargon, an in-group code word that Christians sometimes use to describe the spiritual discipline of taking a few minutes each day to meet God alone.  It usually involves prayer and Bible reading, and may include journaling, worship (like song singing and adoration), scripture memory, reading devotional materials, and work in the original languages, depending on your bent.  I submitted this definition to the Urban Dictionary – let’s see if they use it!