My Friend Vicky

My friend Vicky is in the hospital.  Eleven months ago, Vicky scrimped and saved for a once in a lifetime trip to Mexico with her daughter. She’s a single mom.  While in Mexico her colon burst.  She nearly died.  Vicky was Medi-vacced to hospital for life saving treatment, and eventually flown home to British Columbia for additional care and hopefully to recover. 

Vicky and I had an international summit phone call
last summer with our friend Chuck in Pennsylvania.  

About a month ago Vicky had surgery to get her off her colostomy bag and reconnect her plumbing.  But there were complications.  Again, she nearly died.  The long-term medical issues  and financial problems were taking a toll on Vicky and her young teenage daughter. 

Not a big church goer before this, she couldn’t help but wonder why.  She prayed, she asked God why.  She groped for answers as any of us would.  She asked me.  I did my best. 

Vicky was one of my first buddies when we moved to British Columbia in 2004.  She has this great way of giving you a hard time, but with an affection and an ever-readiness to help.  Vicky introduced me to Canadian essentials like Strange Brew.  She used to pop into my office, which was right down the hall from hers, and ask deep questions about life and faith. 

Now it has been her turn to search, but in searching, Vicky has been coming up with profound answers, almost inadvertently.  I visited with her yesterday, and as she transitioned into her lessons learned, with great peace, Vicky described how she’s forgiven everyone she ever held anything against.  In the grand scheme, holding grudges is just not worth it.  She knows who she is now more than ever – Vicky has developed a sense of identity through her trial that makes the cacophony, and the drama and the petty concerns of everyday life seem trivial. When it gets down to life and death, and the thought of leaving your child alone, everything suddenly becomes clear.  She’s at peace.  Vicky knows what’s important now and what is not. 

If you think of it, say a prayer for Vicky. She’s had enough complications, enough drama.  Enough is enough for her daughter and she.  And may we all see so clearly. 

A Fresh Start

A Fresh Start  

So Naomi goes to Moab with her family because of a famine in Israel.  While there, her husband dies, her sons die, and she returns to Bethlehem alone, a broken, bitter woman.  Only her daughter-in-law Ruth remains.  We saw that

a) suffering and loss are part of living in a fallen world, but

b) God stays faithful despite our circumstances. 

c) The question is not whether heartbreak will come, but when, and the real question is whether we will keep a soft heart toward God and allow Him to work grace in our life when it does?

Ruth, chapter two develops the characters.  The final outcome and the link to God's anointed king (David) are secondary to the development of the characters at this point, because they are such great people.  They’re good role models!  Ruth has class.  She’s got character.  Ruth proves nobility isn’t about bloodlines, money or credentials. 

What we need is a man good enough for her. Enter Boaz.  For one thing, the writer gives attention to developing their characters, especially through the use of dialogue.  Like any good story, their interaction reveals their character.  In addition, Naomi, Ruth and Boaz are set in deliberate contrast to Orpah in chapter one and, as we'll see in chapter four, another forgettable So and So.  Orpah’s perfunctory appearance and quick exit challenge us by negative example to be men and women of hesed -- of loyal devotion and steadfast love, not acting out of self interest like most people would. All of this is done through great story telling, in the Word of God, for our personal transformation, the glory of God, and as we’ll see, participation in God’s ultimate redemptive and eternal purposes. 

Get this:  The Lord works intimately in all our affairs, even in dark times, through and on behalf of you and me – his own “noble people.”

First it was Ruth.  Now it will be Boaz who stands out as the class act, the role model, the noble one.   Boaz is a “man of great standing.”  A Big Man on Campus.  He’s from Elimelech’s family.  And Ruth the Moabite is not going to sit around waiting for someone to do something.  She takes initiative (and not just once).  "Please let me go to the field, and glean heads of grain after whoever favors me with permission,” she asks Naomi.    

Who does Ruth think she is, traipsing onto someone else’s property?  What is this practice of gleaning the leftover grain?  It’s a provision for the poor, and you can find it in Leviticus 19, 23, and in Deuteronomy 24.  God looks out for the poor. Blessed are the poor in spirit. 

In fact, there is explicit provision in the Law of Moses for the poor and disadvantaged, as there should be in all cultures, including our own.  But the underlying rationale is important, too. It’s not just good deeds for good deeds’ sake, or even for the poor’s sake.  When the Lord commands Israel to leave grain in their fields for the poor to follow and glean, he states the reason in this way:

Remember that you were slaves in Egypt.  That is why I command you to do this. 

On one of the first Outward Bound courses I instructed, we were in downtown Philadelphia with a group of Philly high school students.  I was struck by the great diversity, and I commented on it to the lead instructor, himself a big black dude with dreadlocks.  He commented on how much they were all the same.  I loved it. 

It is Israel's own identity that is invoked, as a people who have been there -- who themselves have been slaves in Egypt, knowing from where the Lord has brought them.  So whether we’re thinking about the poor or people of a different faith or ethnicity, we have a whole lot more in common with folks than we are different.   The image of God levels the playing field.  Each one is sacred.  There’s no one better than anybody else. Charity isn't patronizing and it isn't driven by a tax deduction.  Our point of contact is the image of God: Imago Dei.  Let a sense of one-ness and humility drive our compassion, as we listen to that which is noble within us.    

And Naomi says to Ruth, "Go, my daughter." 

So off she goes, to gather leftover grain in the fields after the harvesters. 

And she just so happens to come to the field of Boaz, the relative of Elimelech. 

When God's Gone Too Far

Ever feel like this time God has gone too far?  Ever feel as if God has pressed you too hard?  That this time he has gone from near, to distant, to positively cruel?  Maybe you feel abandoned.  You question God’s goodness, maybe even his very existence.  You’ve turned your back on God himself in the wake of one too many violations.  That’s Naomi. 

When she sees that Ruth will not be dissuaded, Naomi says no more.  The two women, one older, one younger, travel alone till they reach Bethlehem.  The little town of Bethlehem is astir at their return, and the local women whisper, "Is this Naomi? I barely recognize her."  This will be no happy homecoming. 

And we are given a glimpse straight into the heart of Naomi.  Naomi’s bitterness overwhelms her.  You understand that in the Ancient Near East, as in many cultures, one’s name is intended to express the inner character of the person. It is to be reflected in one’s actions.  Abraham: Father of a Multitude.  Jesus: Adonai (the LORD) saves.  Barnabas: Son of Encouragement.  And so Naomi corrects them: “Don't call me Pleasant (Naomi).  Call me Bitter (Mara), because the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me.  I went out full, but have come back empty.   Don't call me Pleasant, because God is against me." 

Do you think God is against you?  Or at least only grudgingly tolerates you?  Is there some affliction in your life, some heartache, some loss, some sin in your past, some crime, some disease, some injury, some condition that has left you believing the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with you?  You’re not alone. 

It’s not a question of whether heartbreak will come, but when. 

The question is, what are you going to do with it?  How will you respond?   

If guilt is the natural response to our sin, bitterness is the response to our being sinned against.  How will you respond when things have gone too far? 

It’s not a question of whether heartbreak will come, but when. 

For all the bitterness, there’s a glimmer of hope in Bethlehem today.  It is the beginning of the barley harvest.  The famine is over.  Naomi’s story is not over yet, and it need not be for you, either. 

And if Elimelech could wonder where the Almighty was in his circumstance, it was Jesus Christ, who said, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”  When you feel abandoned by God, know that there is a Savior who knows exactly how you feel. 

You see, Jesus Christ is the one whose faithfulness – whose hesed – can bring about the same restoration in your life that Naomi will taste in days to come. 

Naomi has lost her sons.  But it is God the Father, who lost his Son too, so that the death, destruction and despair that many of us have known intimately can one day be reversed.  And those who look to God in faith through his Son, can live with the confidence that

• God understands only too well the loss we know in this life, and that
• the Lord, in his steadfast love – his hesed – does not abandon his own, but can sustain, and as we will see, realize Big Picture purposes beyond what we can imagine or dream. 

It’s not a question of whether heartbreak will come, but when.  The only question is, will you reject the easy out?  Will you keep a soft heart toward God and cooperate with him?  He will work peace in your life now and purpose that will resonate in eternity.     

Jesus said, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst. The One from Bethlehem invites you to his Beth-lehem.  The One who is the Bread of Life welcomes you to the House of Bread. 

If you are left bitter because of an event in your past, return with Naomi to the house of bread, the Bread of Life, Jesus Christ, and he will make a way for you. 

The Character of God in a Young Woman

The Character of God in a Young Woman

Orpah may be smart in a worldly-wise sense.  Ruth, however, is extraordinary.  She is the woman we’ve been waiting for.  She is the class act.  She isn’t of the “correct” ethnic background.  Her bloodline isn’t blue.  She didn’t go to an Ivy League college.  She isn’t rich.  She isn’t famous.  She doesn’t have a thing the world recognizes as desirable (I like to think she was darn cute though).  She isn’t even Jewish, but she shows the faithfulness of Israel’s God. 

Character isn’t about bank accounts.  Nobility is not about bloodlines.  One of the great themes in the book of Ruth surrounds the word translated in Ruth 1 as kindness.  Naomi speaks of it.  Ruth personifies it.  Later, we’ll see it in her beau, Boaz.  When Naomi blesses Orpah and Ruth and invites them to return home, she speaks of God’s kindness, but the Hebrew word means so much more.  It transliterates (Hebrew written as English) roughly as hesed, with a hard “ch” sound on the h.  It means steadfast love, faithfulness, loyal devotion.  Over and over in Scripture it is one of God’s attributes. 

The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin...

Exodus 34

But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress.

David, praising God in Psalm 59

It’s a character trait of God and those who are close to him become like him.  Naomi speaks of it, and Ruth demonstrates it. 

While Naomi's sense of the Lord's hesed toward her may have been nil at this point, Naomi formally frees Orpah and Ruth from any of their cultural responsibility toward her.  She blesses her daughters-in-law, saying, "There’s nothing more I can do for you.  So now may the Lord show you the same kind of steadfast love, the same loyal devotion, the same hesed that you have shown to me.  Go on now.  Go." 

Orpah does let go, but Ruth hugs hard.  "Look," Naomi says – and you can almost see her gesturing after her daughter-in-law.  “Your sister-in-law has gone back to her people and to her gods (reminding Ruth of her roots).  Come now, follow after your sister-in-law.” 

And this is where Ruth takes her famous stand.  Read it out loud if you like.  Go ahead.  

            Don't urge me to leave you,

            or to turn back from following you. 

            Because where you go, I go.

            Where you stay, I'll stay. 

            Your people shall be my people,

            your God shall be my God. 

            Where you die, I will die, and

            there will I be buried. 

            May the Lord cause my own death and more,

            if anything but death separates you and me." 

Imagine if someone were that devoted to you.  Have you ever been as dedicated to anything in your life as Ruth is dedicated to her mother-in-law?  "I am in it for the long haul.  I will accept your people as my people.  I shall worship your God in the way you worship him.  I will live with you; I will die with you, and no matter what happens, I will never let you go."  That is exactly God's devotion to you.  

Here it is Ruth, a young woman -- likely in her teens or early twenties -- a woman of noble character, herself showing the hesed that may be the only glimmer of hope a woman like Naomi may have ever known, a woman whose life has been overshadowed by heartache and pain.  Here's Ruth, a Moabite woman, a youthful foreigner at the bottom of the social strata, whose selfless devotion to Naomi, to her people and to her God provides the example of hesed to Israelite men and women throughout the kingdom[i].  For Ruth there will be no turning back. She won’t be denied.  Ruth will go with Naomi, Ruth will stay with Naomi.  Ruth will identify with Naomi’s people.  Ruth will bow to Naomi’s God.  Ruth will not simply keep Naomi company till she lives out her remaining days.  This young woman is giving herself to Naomi heart and soul.  She will herself be buried in a foreign land; such is her devotion to Naomi.  Such is hesed.  Such is God's love.  

The kindness Ruth shows is nothing less than the steadfast love of God, demonstrated in Ruth, a quality Christians recognize in Jesus Christ.    Ruth the poor, Moabite widow is a type of Christ, a figure, a foreshadowing one who is to come. 

Here is Ruth, our heroine.  Is there a man out there good enough for her? 

• Do you know anyone who has shown a similar selfless devotion to another as Ruth shows to Naomi? 
• What creates this kind of character in a person?  What quenches it?
• Do you sometimes wish you had some “credential” you lack – more money, better looks, be skinnier, the “right” education, etc.?  How can Ruth’s example encourage you? 

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[i] Ruth was probably written at least few generations later when Israel had a king.  

Why Oprah is a smart cookie.

Why Oprah is a smart cookie. 

The Lord does stuff you don’t even give him credit for.  Like feed you. 

Naomi hears that the Lord has provided food -- 'bread' -- for his people, and since there isn’t much to keep her in Moab, Naomi packs her bags for Bethlehem.   It doesn’t mean she isn’t grief-stricken and bitter though.  Naomi is on her way, two young women by her side, dutifully trudging off to who-knows-where. 

Naomi gets it.  She knows how much she would be asking of her daughters-in-law if she indulged their obligation to return to Bethlehem with her, so she gives them an out.  Naomi has met loss after loss, famine after relocation, and she feels beaten.  Broken.  Utterly defeated.  Now she stands before her daughters-in-law a broken, bitter woman.  Misery loves company, but Naomi doesn’t want to drag these girls into this mess.  She wouldn’t wish this on her enemies, let alone the women who loved her boys. 

Naomi invites Orpah and Ruth to go home.  "Off you go, go back to your own mother's homes.  And may the Lord show the kind of kindness[i] to you that you have shown to my sons and me.  And may the Lord once again give you homes of your own."  She’s really trying to push them out the door (except that they are outside at the moment).  Naomi kisses them goodbye.  Even in her bitterness she uses language that affirms the hand of God in blessing non-Jews. The Lord is God, not just of Israel, but of all nations.  

Ever say your last good-bye to someone you really loved?  In tears, Orpah and Ruth protest, “No way.  We’re coming with you.” 

"Go back, my dear daughters," Naomi insists (everyone is wiping their eyes now).  "Why go with me?  Do I have sons in my belly yet, that you can marry them?  Even if I were to get married tonight, get pregnant and bear you both sons, can I possibly ask you to wait for them to grow?  Should you wait for a marriage like that?  It’s hard enough for me – because Lord is against me anyway. I can't let you do this."  And the story says, “They lifted up their voices and wept, and Orpah kissed her mother-in-law, but Ruth clung to her.” 

Orpah gets it.  What are her prospects, staying with this aging woman, leaving for a different land, and stuck in a culture that obligates her to wait for the next of kin? Orpah does the smart thing, the sensible thing, the obvious thing, and she kisses her mother-in-law goodbye.  And who can blame her?  Heck, no wonder someone tried to name Oprah Winfrey after her.  But who’s the book named for?  Are they going to be talking about Oprah three thousand years from now?  Orpah is a smart cookie, but she's forgettable.  

• Ever say your last good-bye to someone you loved deeply?  What was her name?  What was his name?  What blend of emotions were you feeling (grief, bitterness, love, gratitude, etc.)? 
• Where are you on the healing journey?  What would it look like to find wholeness? 
• What is one situation you recently faced in which you responded the smart, obvious, expected way but that was not necessarily the way of faith? 
• What’s a situation before you in which you still have a choice about responding in the expected way versus the way of faith (see the next blog post for Naomi’s response)? 

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[i] This word kindness – stay tuned.  

Devastation

Devastation[i]

Maybe your goldfish died. 

Or your boyfriend just broke up with you. 

You are being picked on at school and no one seems to care.   

You lost your job. 

Your parents are splitting up. 

Maybe a private indulgence is becoming a compulsion is becoming an addiction, and it’s getting away from you.  You thought you had it, and now it has you. 

Maybe your spouse is growing distant and your gut tells you they are spending time with someone else. 

Maybe you’ve lost a child. 

Maybe you’ve been triple-hit by loss and tragedy, and you select like a buffet from the above items, or add others of your own, to suit your sorry circumstance.    

Maybe it sucks to be you right now. 

Who's to blame for the lives that tragedies claim?  No matter what you say it don't take away the pain that I feel inside… There's got to be more to life than this. There's got to be more to everything I thought exists.

P.O.D. (see the above music vid)

Welcome to the world (not to be confused with life). 

A couple of generations before the glory days of Israel’s King David, a family of four emigrates to the land of opportunity: no, not America.  Moab.  That is, west-central Jordan, just to the east of Israel.  Things have worn thin at home.  The little town of Bethlehem – ironically, the 'house of bread' in Hebrew – has no bread.  A famine is on, and something’s got to give.  People need to eat.  Some are getting desperate. 

Ever move to a different country?  How about a different part of the country?  It’s harder than you think. 

Dad’s name is Elimelech.  Call him Eli if that helps.  His wife is Naomi, and his two boys are Mahlon and Chilion.  You are on your own with those two.  Things are bad enough that they pack their belongings and leave Bethlehem for points East.  They move right out of Israel.  Elimelech takes his wife and kids and moves to the neighboring country of Moab.  The US to Canada.  Russia to China.  Taiwan to North Korea. 

There isn’t a one of us whose people hasn’t immigrated or emigrated at some point.  As Jews from Bethlehem, Elimelech and his family become refugees in a foreign land, resident aliens, like so many today, they are economically challenged outsiders.  They have left family and friends, roots and heritage.  They have opened themselves to discrimination and maybe worse.  From the outside, you have a family driven by their circumstances to head into an uncertain future, to live as foreigners among a people of different customs, and who practice a different religion.  And this at a time when people went to war over religion.[ii]  Elimelech, whose name literally means “my God is King,” is probably wondering, “Is God really King?  Where is God in all this, anyway?  Maybe those Moabites with their gods have got it going on.  The grass sure looks greener over there.” 

A famine is just the warm-up though.  Things get worse.  Elimelech dies, leaving Naomi a widow in a foreign land, in a labour-intensive agricultural economy, and in which women were second-class citizens.  Away from her family, Naomi, now more than ever, is dependent upon her two sons.  Sure hope they hang in. 

Things continue on for a few years.  The family remains in Moab, and Mahlon and Chilion grow to strapping manhood.  They marry two locals girls, Orpah[iii] and Ruth.  Then her sons die, one right after the other.  Without her sons, and as a refugee widow in the Ancient Near East, Naomi is exposed and vulnerable.  She has lost her provider.  She has now lost her only remaining hope for survival in her sons, let alone for a family line.  There goes her pension plan.  Naomi is ethnically, socially, financially and even religiously at the bottom.  And three-fold heartbroken.

Identify a time in your life when you felt isolated, alone and vulnerable.  

What circumstance in your own life leads you to question God’s control, maybe even his very existence (a FB friend just messaged me about this very issue)?  

If it helps to focus your thoughts, write it down. 

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[i] This blog post is based on Ruth 1:1-5. 

[ii] So glad we’re past that, aren’t you?   

[iii] I have a theory that Oprah Winfrey’s parents intended to name her Orpah but misspelled it.  

Ruth Rocks

The story of Ruth is a story for people like us.  It acknowledges suffering and loss are part of ordinary lives, and it demonstrates the relentless love of a sovereign God who can redeem circumstances for each of us who suffers, and make it count for eternity.    

Three reasons Ruth rocks: 

Ruth is a story for regular folks – folks like us.

Our typical view of a Bible story is that one that is so far removed from our own lives that we think, “Where’s the connection?”  Bible stories seem to focus on kings and prophets, parting seas and miraculous births.  Biblical narrative is often characterized by the extraordinary and miraculous.  My life isn’t.  How about yours? 

           

Ruth is a story for the rest of us.  There are no signs and wonders.  There are no seas parting, no burning bushes, no angelic visitors.  The main characters are two women, Naomi and Ruth, both at the lower end of the tax bracket.  We get a single snapshot into the lives of these widows, and the subtle, but no less real, hand of Almighty God providing, redeeming, restoring, healing bitterness and ultimately bringing regular folks into the Divine Plan. 

You don’t need to see the hand of God in your life to know it’s there. 

           

Ruth is a romance. 

‘Nuff said.  Enterprising, courageous women, damsels in distress, gallant men, steamy moments, a thickening plot, and a happy ending.  What more can we possibly want? 

Ruth can help us recognize that the 'reason' we suffer usually isn't evident until much later.  

How often do you go through some trial and a well-meaning but otherwise clueless friend suggests the “Big Reason” why this unhappy circumstance has befallen you.  We do it to ourselves.  We encounter some tragedy and we ask God why?  Bad things happen because we live in a fallen world.  We grasp for meaning. 

The story of Ruth begins with the mother-in-law: Naomi.  Naomi experiences loss after loss:  she loses her husband; she loses a son; she loses her other son, and all while far removed from the support network of her extended family in a foreign country.   

Naomi will live to see a reversal in her fortunes, but she will never know how truly glorious the ultimate outcome will be.  The Bible promises us that God can use the worst of human experiences for good in the lives of his children, but it is usually not something we’ll get all the answers to.  That’s where eternity comes in.  That’s where faith and hope come in. 

The story of Ruth shows us that God is able to bring good – and even glory – to the most ordinary people and through the worst of circumstances.  This includes you. 

Suffering and loss are part of living in a fallen world.  Recognize that God stays faithful despite what you’re going through.  There’s hope.   You see, it’s not a question of whether heartbreak will come, but when.  The question is, can you stay open, to allow God to work it for good in your life?   

Sooner or later each one of us will be overwhelmed by our circumstances.  Ultimately, however, we can find that the same Almighty Lord who demonstrates his faithfulness to Naomi shows his steadfast love to each one of us.  Stay tuned.  

Into the Wild

Jon Krakauer’s 1996 non-fiction best seller Into The Wild tells the story of Chris McCandless.  He graduates from a good college in the East of the U.S.  He changes his name, gives the entire balance of his $24,000 savings account to charity, and invents a new life for himself.  His family has no idea where he is or what has become of him until his remains turn up in Alaska. Into the Wild is definitely worth a read and is better than the movie. 

During his travels, Chris meets an old man who lives in seclusion in the western US desert.  "Ron" is a devout Christian.   He takes a shine to Chris, partly because he lost his own son years earlier.  He even asks Chris to become his adopted grandson, and Chris assures him they’ll talk about it when he returns. 

But Chris never returned.  His starved body was found in an anomaly streetcar that had been hauled into the Alaska backcountry.  When he heard of Chris' death, Ron said, “When Chris left for Alaska, I prayed.  I asked God to keep his finger on the shoulder of that one.  I told him the boy was special.  But God let him die.  So on December 26, when I learned what happened, I renounced the Lord.  I withdrew my church membership and became an atheist.  I decided I couldn’t believe in a God who would let something that terrible happen to a boy like him.” 

Ever feel that way?  Ever feel as if this time God has gone too far?  Kristy, Stanley, Bill, Darryl, Sebastian, Dixie… Each of us can think of a deeply personal struggle we have experienced:  a loss, a betrayal, an horrific injustice.  How will we respond?  Adversity, trials, sometimes tragic loss is an unhappy reality.  We can’t avoid it; we can’t side-step it.  It never feels natural, especially when it strikes at the youngest among us. 

The Old Testament book of Ruth is a story for people like us.  It acknowledges the reality of suffering and loss, but demonstrates the relentless love of the God who can redeem your circumstances.  In this life, bad things will happen.  But they never have to have the last word.  

Ruth is for you and me.  

Confrontation (Part 4 of 4)

This article is last in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 

"The end is near!" at least that's what the Norwegian Lutheran pastor's sign said.  But it didn't do any good.  So he changed the sign to "Bridge out ahead."  And people turned around.  

This is it!  This is Jedi time, when you bring all of your assertiveness tools to bear on life itself.  Use everything you’ve got.  All your assertiveness skills come into play.  As you read the following list, pick out two or three that speak to a current issue.  Which ones do you want to keep in mind?

Relax – listen to your breathing.  (Don’t make any prank phone calls during this exercise.) 

Be intentional with your body language – assume an open, relaxed posture.  There’s a three-part series on non-verbal assertiveness here.  60-90% of your communication is non-verbal. 

Maintain an even voice.  Focus on speaking naturally, in a conversational, friendly tone, matching your tone to the content.  Answer the telephone with a smile.  I should try that sometime. 

Open with Affirmation – Remember the feedback sandwich.  Remember the 3:1 ratio of affirmation to feedback.  Remember the Alamo (there’s no basement at the Alamo, btw – or is there?).  Tell the person true things that you appreciate about them.  You are not flattering them if it is true and you want nothing in return. 

Use your DESO script to frame your request.  Describe matter-of-factly the events that have led to the issue.  Express your feelings (without wearing them on your sleeve).  Specify exactly what you want.  Describe the long-term outcome.  What is the best possible outcome? 

Take responsibility.  Own your part of the problem.  In Outward Bound we had VOMP.  Vent, or get your issues out in the open – Own (your own contribution to the problem) – (put yourself in the other person’s) Mocassins – (together make a) Plan.  Know yourself, and be willing to be ruthlessly honest about yourself in the face of criticism.    

Don’t try to win.  As carnally satisfying as it may be to really stick it to the other person, try for win-win.  Let the other person save face.  Give them a way out, a way back into relationship with you.  Go for justice – equity – not revenge.  Don’t write people off (except for personal safety, etc.). 

Avoid old history. “When we bring up old history, it is almost always because we have been seduced by our old anger.  We are either trying to win or hurt the other person.”  (Paterson)

Never say never (or always).  You  always (leave the toilet paper roll empty)… You never (listen)…  You know the drill.  It’s not productive.  It polarizes and judges.    

Listen.  Can you repeat back to the other person, in terms they’d agree with, what their position is?  That’s your goal.  Listen in order to learn.  It’ll help you be less defensive.  You don’t have to agree, but to resolve an issue,. You do have to understand.  There are two kinds of people in life.  Friends and teachers. 

Find Common Ground.  Agree where you can.  Give points to the other side whenever you sincerely can.  It builds trust.

After the confrontation: Reward yourself.  Buy a Dairy Queen Blizzard.  Or something. 

Most of the material on assertiveness on my blog is gleaned from the work of Dr. Randy Paterson.  If you’d like to dig deeper, his Assertiveness Workbook is a great resource.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 

Planning for Conflict (Part 3 of 4)

This article is number 30 in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 


CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES

You are not News Radio.  You don’t have to be “All assertive, all the time.”  You can choose your battles, let things slide, cut people slack, and overlook an offense.  There’s give and take in every relationship.  That’s when you may choose to 1) communicate your preference; and 2) let go. 

I had a church elder once that always seemed to be the odd man out on every issue.  As the odd duck, buddy would advocate for his position, which would ultimately fail.  Fair enough.  But the guy wouldn’t let it go.  Month after month he would bring his pet issue up again.  Let gooooo. 

Only fight battles you can win.  One pastor in the Deep South faced a mutiny by his leadership.  But rather than to ask straight-forwardly for his resignation, the elders tried to get the presbytery to do it, all while engaging in a telephone and letter writing smear campaign with congregation members and others behind the pastor’s back.  It backfired.  When a prominent member of an Arizona congregation faced an allegation of sexual sin, the leadership ignored the counsel of synod; the family clan boycotted the church, attacked the woman's character, and his family members in leadership demanded that the pastor resign.  They enlisted the support of other board members to join the purge.  The pastor left.  Or maybe he just succumbed. 

Not every hill is a hill worth dying on. State your preference and let it go.  Only fight battles you can win.  And if you do die on that hill, die with dignity.  Make sure it’s a hill worth dying on.    

WRITE A "DESO" SCRIPT

Describe – Express – Specify – Outcome

Describe      

When I was performing brain surgery and you persisted in asking me to make you a peanut butter sandwich, I snapped at you.    

Express       

I was frustrated because it’s important to me that I perform brain surgery with as few errors as possible.  I’d said “no” already, and I got frustrated when you kept asking. 

Specify

I like working with you.  When I am performing brain surgery though, do you think you can wait till I’m done?  Then I’ll be happy to make you a peanut butter sandwich. 

Outcome      

I agree with your vision for this hospital, and I think we can be a great team.  I’m looking forward to working with you for years to come. 

Notice in the example above the 3:1 ratio of positive affirmation to criticism.  (“I like working with you.”  “I agree with your vision for this hospital.”  “I’m looking forward to working with you.”  And then, “Do you think I can wait till I’m done brain surgery?”  The criticism is constructive: it is behavior-oriented and avoids personal attack or suggestions about motives.  

This is an actual script I used once (details have been changed, obviously) in resolving a situation that occurred.  The result?  My friend acknowledged her part and gave me a hug. 

CHOOSE YOUR SETTING

The key here is to use a location that is safe for all sides and allows for private conversation.  It could be a crowded restaurant if it’s important to you that a certain level of social pressure is in place to help everyone behave well.  It might be one-on-one alone in an office.  But don’t confront someone in the kitchen when there are other family members around.  If you want a third party present, use someone agreeable to both of you. 

TIMING IS EVERYTHING

Make sure there’s enough time for everything, or allow for additional meetings.  Avoid situations where it will be distracting or embarrassing.  Last Sunday with the church directory pictures, I had an immediate strong emotional reaction.  But there were people all around us and my daughter had her boyfriend with her, who was coming over to dinner for the first time.  Yikes!  I kept my mouth shut and walked to the car.  I put on my best poker face.  Once I worked through my own feelings, I have been touching base with each of the kids one on one about it. 

Depending on the situation, you may choose your moment to bring it up.  On the other hand, you may approach the person and set a time to get together. 

STAY SAFE

The first thing first responders have to do is ensure the scene is safe, even before wading into the mess.  They do not want to become another victim.  It endangers them and adds to the load on rescue resources.  Ensure your safety.  Your physical – and emotional – safety is paramount.  In most cases this isn’t an issue.  But there are occasions where you may feel at risk with the other person.  Use appropriate means to make sure you are safe.  Involve community resources like restorative justice, the police, community support workers, clergy, etc.  Ask yourself: is there a risk of violence in this situation?  What will you do to protect yourself? 

Most of the material on assertiveness on my blog is gleaned from the work of Dr.Randy Paterson.  If you’d like to dig deeper, his AssertivenessWorkbook is a great resource.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks!