Sharing Your Opinion – Exercise with a Partner! [i]

This article is sixteenth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 


Here’s a fun little exercise that is sure to bring romance into your relationships.  If you would rather do it alone, that’s okay too. No comment about romance in that case.  There’s something for everyone here at Plus Est En Vou Productions. 

The Opinion Exchange

This exercise will give you an opportunity to express your opinion, and so hopefully will help you develop the ability to speak up when the time is right.  Choose a topic from the list below, or think up one of your own: 

• Which makes better pets: dogs or cats? 
• Is climate change caused by humans? 
• Which political party is the best? 
• Should firearms laws be stricter? 
• Who’s better, Bugs Bunny or Wile E. Coyote? 
• Are the Olympics about athletic competition or about money? 
• Is space exploration worth doing? 
• How is the distribution between military spending and investment in programs for the poor? 
• Which of the Three Stooges is better: Curly or Shemp? 
• Should seafood harvesting be regulated? 
• Is there ever justification for preemptive nuclear attack? 
• Should pornography be on the Internet? 
• Should human cloning be allowed? 
• Tastes great or less filling? 
• Is whaling defensible? 
• Should we have the death penalty? 
• Should same-sex marriage be legal? 
• Is one’s sexual orientation nature or nurture? 
• Does having a genetic predisposition toward something make it a civil right? 
• Should people who benefit from Search and Rescue intervention pay for it themselves? 
• U.S. or Canada? 
• Netherlands or Germany? 
• Is graduated driver’s licensing a good idea? 
• Should your province, state or district secede from the union? 
• Should panhandlers be forced off the street?
• Should marijuana be legalized? 
• Did Jesus rise from the dead? 
• Where is the best place to live in your country? 
• Should the United Kingdom and its Commonwealth countries do away with the monarchy? 
• Which is the best sports team? 
• Should the United Nations have more power? 
• Should motorcyclists be required to wear helmets? 
• Cheesesteaks or poutine? 
• Is Internet access a right or a privilege? 
• Should convicted felons lose the right to vote? 
• Should non-citizen permanent residents be allowed to vote? 
• Should ex-patriot citizens (living outside their country of citizenship) be allowed to vote? 

Did I give you enough choices???  :-P

For the Opinion Giver

Okay, pick one and develop an opinion about it.  It can be a real opinion or one you make up.  But if you make it up, don’t tell your partner. 

Your assignment is to present your opinion assertively (see last time’s blog), not passively and certainly not aggressively, for goodness' sake.  Do not try to win your partner’s approval.  Do not try to persuade them of your view.  Do not try to prove you are right.  Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.  Just express it in an engaged way. 

You have two minutes to express your opinion.  Begin when you’re ready. 

For the Listener

Listen attentively.  Do not indicate (verbally or non-verbally) whether you agree or not with the speaker. Poker face!  When they’re done, give them feedback, referring to the following list: 

• Nonverbal assertiveness, including posture, movement, facial expression, use of hands, eye contact, etc. 
• Voice, tone, volume, smoothness
• Ending statements as if it is a question. 
• Apologizing
• Highlighting one’s own ignorance
• “I” statements (shows ownership)
• Denigration of other views (putdowns, etc.)
• Appealing to authority
• Saying things like “obviously,” “of course…” etc., which can be passive aggressive put-downs of other views. 

When you’re done, evaluate the Opinion Giver’s performance. Start with positives!  Then suggest a way or two they might improve.  End with another positive! 

Feel free to switch roles or repeat the exercise taking a different topic. 

Next time: Receiving Positive Feedback!  Yay!  

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[i] I am heavily indebted and dependent upon Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook for material.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book. 

How do you REALLY feel? Sharing Your Opinion [i]

 Powdermilk Biscuits give shy persons the strength to get up and

do what needs to be done. Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious.

This article is fifteenth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 


Some of you are laughing right about now.  Sharing your opinion, you ask?  No problem.  You are opinionated, and you don’t mind saying so.  You’re thinking, “I have noooo problem with that one, ha ha ha.”  I’ll bet you don’t.  You probably think you’re assertive.  Read on. 

Opinion Exercise #1 – the Prequel

Think back over the past three days, if you please.  Think of three situations where you could have shared, or did share, your opinion.  Maybe you thought about saying something but let it go.  Maybe you got into a heated exchange and argued your position vehemently.  Whatever the situations, jot them down.  Open a Word document, open Notepad if you like, or even just go old school and write down on a piece of paper the first three examples that come to mind.  I'll wait.  

1.  
2.  
3.  

Okay, now, hold that thought.  It’s time for a little self-check. 

Do you: 

• Avoid giving your opinion on things, whether it is a small matter (you hesitate to “like” something on Facebook), or a big one (you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling)?
• Wait for others to give their opinion first?  You don’t want to look ____, after all. 
• Give your opinion only when you know the other people present will be on side with you? 
• Pretend to agree with others or actually change your view in order to look like you agree with others? 

If so, you may suffer from passivity when it comes to sharing your opinion.  Powdermilk Biscuits are for you!  So's this blog.  

Or maybe you:

• Share your opinion, but people occasionally tell you that you come across too strong, as if you think any other view is crazy, unthinkable, or just plain wrong.  
• Express harsh criticism of other views, often without waiting to know if anyone present might actually hold to that view.  
• Try to get people to change their position if they hold a different view than you, using tactics like belittling, shouting, intimidation, sarcasm, or heated argument.  

That’s aggressive, as if you couldn't figure that out for yourself.      

On the other hand, do you: 

• Avoid disagreeing with people directly but express strong views on purpose even though you know they might hurt those present? 
• Talk frequently about people behind their back?  
• Use sarcasm, but deny any bad motivation?  “Oh, I was just kidding.”  Not.  

You guessed it – passive aggressive. 

Maybe you have already arrived.  You:

• Express your opinion freely whether others have done so or not. 
• “Take ownership” of your view, by saying something like, “My view is…” or "I believe..." rather than presenting it as if it’s the only view any rational person would hold, or as if you are just playing devil’s advocate. 
• Are willing to discuss differences without being “on a mission” to force someone to change their mind. You respect the other person’s freedom to hold their view. 
• Are open to changing your view when new information is forthcoming, but you don’t do it just to conform to the prevailing viewpoint. 

Ding-ding: assertive! 

Alright, let’s say that you see yourself in all the wrong places above, or at least some of them, and you want to change your evil ways.  Paterson offers these tips: 

• Take a chill pill.  Relax.  Do the breathing exercises described in last time’s blog post, Non-verbal Behavior (Part 3 of 2). 
• Practice practice practice.  If sharing your opinion freely is new for you, rehearse ahead of time what you plan to say.  Soon you’ll be sharing your opinion with the best of them!
• Look confident!  Act confident.  It may not feel natural, but if you share your opinion, do it in a straightforward, unapologetic way.  And if you are undecided about an issue, that’s okay too, and it’s okay to say so.  Be comfortable in your own skin. 
• When the shoe fits, show you are open to new information or other ideas.  There’s no downside to having an open mind. 
• Own your view.  Some of the ways people sidestep responsibility for the viewpoint they offer is to appeal to authority, as if it’s someone else’s view, or say they’re just playing devil’s advocate.  Learn to say “I think…,” “I believe…,” etc. 
• Don’t apologize for your opinion.  Catch yourself if you are about to say things like, “Sorry, but…” when you’re expressing a perfectly legitimate position. 
• Be very careful about absolute truth claims.  You know who you are.  I know who I am.  There are folks who believe they have a claim on absolute truth.  They might be religious or secular, and they might be right.  But there’s a way to represent your viewpoint that on one hand does not compromise your convictions about truth, but on the other demonstrates respect and the other person’s right to hold their view.  This area is worthy of a whole ‘nother blog series. 
• Don’t intimidate.  No pressure, no hype.  Signs of intimidation include but are not limited to: raising your voice, threats, personal attacks, guilt, and using aggressive body language like standing close to someone, staring, etc.  You may win the battle but you’ll be losing the war, trust me.
• Don’t miss important opportunities to speak up.  We don’t need to share our opinion on every occasion, but there will be times when you shouldn’t, but may be tempted to, bite your tongue.  It can be very appropriate to speak out against injustice, racial hate, discrimination, and prejudice, for example. 

All that's necessary for the forces of evil to win in the world is for enough good men to do nothing.

-- Edmund Burke

Opinion Exercise #1 – the Feature Film

Okay, remember that list?  You know, the three times over the past few days where you shared your opinion.  Pull that puppy out again.  Pick one from the list where you wish you were more assertive (versus being too passive or too aggressive). Or think one up now if you didn’t make the list.  Again, it’s a situation where you wish you were more assertive. 

• What was the situation? 
• What might you have said that would have been more appropriately assertive? 
• Write down what you might have said. 
• During the next week, look for opportunities to share your opinion.  Try to tune into whether you are likely to be either too passive or too aggressive.  If you want, you can keep notes of

1. The date, time and place
2. Person/Situation
3. Your response
4. Assertive/ passive, aggressive, or P/A?
5. How did it turn out? 
6. Feeling afterwards? 
7. An alternative response: 

Next time:  Exercise with a Partner! 

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[i] I am heavily indebted and dependent upon Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook for material.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book. 

Mission Impossible – Nonverbal Assertiveness (Part 3 of 2)[1]

This article is fourteenth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 

Okay, I promised you bonus homework assignments – extra credit!  The first exercise involves a short walk through town.  The second one is a voice exercise.  You can choose one or both. 

Exercise 1: A Walk in the Park   

Want some exercise?  No?  Need some exercise?  Sure, why not?  This will give you an opportunity to focus on your posture, eye contact, and facial expression, without worrying about carrying on a conversation with anyone. 

Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to go for a fifteen to thirty minute walk – someplace where there is a reasonable number of pedestrians – looking confident.  It can be in town, it might be at a mall, or through a park. Just make sure there will be a reasonable volume of other people. 

It doesn’t matter if you don’t feel confident.  This can be one of those opportunities where you role-play in order to develop a new skill.  It may feel unnatural, like wearing someone else’s clothes at first, but this is your opportunity to develop the skill of walking assertively in public! 

Here’s what you do: 

• Walk with an erect posture, shoulders back, body upright, no slouching. 
• Hold your head high and look ahead or horizontally.  Avoid too much looking down. Just don’t knock over that toddler.  Your chest precedes your chin. 
• Walk at a comfortable, enjoyable pace.  Allow your arms to swing naturally.  Put a little spring in your step. 
• Look happy, friendly.  Allow yourself a slight smile.  But try to avoid the Anthony Hopkins/Hannibal Lecter smile. 
• Make eye contact briefly as you approach people.  If/when you do look away, look to the side, not down. 
• Walk right down the middle of the sidewalk, path, etc.  When you pass oncoming people, step only a fair distance to one side.  Don’t take responsibility for getting completely out of the way of the other person (but don’t knock the shoulder of someone who is probably carrying a piece!).
• For extra challenge, try smiling!  Say hello to a few folks! 

Gauge how you‘re feeling while you are doing this exercise.  Once you have walked for a few blocks or so, walk passively.  In other words, look down, slouch, avoid eye contact, walk to one side, put a bag over your head… you get the idea.  Walk this way for a block or so.  How does it feel? Then, switch back again to an assertive stride.  You might find that you like it! 

Exercise 2:  Working with Your Voice

Here’s an exercise for your voice.  No one will see you – you can do it naked!  You’re on the phone. 

Your mission is to call someone you don’t know and ask for information.  You might

• call a hotel and ask their rates
• call a restaurant and ask whether you need reservations in order to eat there with four people on Saturday night
• call a library and ask whether they have audio books and whether there is a limit on the number you can borrow
• call a store from whom you recently received an ad, and ask about one of the products advertised 
• call a stranger, tell them you are conducting a survey, and ask if their refrigerator is running. When they say, “yes,” say, “Well you better go and catch it!”  And hang up.  No, don’t do that.  I have liability issues to consider. 

With the exception of that last idea, don’t worry too much about what you are saying.  Focus more on speaking naturally, with a conversational tone, being friendly, with a good, natural flow rate (like O2), and matching your tone to the content. 

When you’re ready: 

1. Think through (or even write down) what you are going to say ahead of time, to help you say it clearly and smoothly. 
2. If you are likely to be nervous, or even just for giggles, before you dial place your hand over your stomach and breathe using your diaphragm for a minute or two. Feel your stomach expand and relax.  During the conversation, continue to breathe from your diaphragm rather than from your “head.” 
3. Speak loudly enough and clearly. 
4. Be warm and friendly.  Don’t apologize or make excuses, or alternatively, sound angry or hostile, even if the person you are talking to isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, or is just a tool.  Stay positive, warm, and courteous. 

When you’re done, find the positives.  Avoid being critical of yourself – this is practice, remember? 

Fun stuff, eh? 

Next time: Giving Your Opinion

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[1] I am heavily indebted and dependent upon Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook for material.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book.  

Nonverbal Assertiveness (Part 2 of 2)

This article is thirteenth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 


I love how confident our kids are.  Life hasn’t always been easy for these PKs – it never is.  But each of them has a sense of self that belies a security for which we are very thankful.  We thank God, and credit Him for their many cool qualities.  Each one is his or her own person. And they are all good dressers.  But a couple of them are particularly tuned into fashion as a personal statement.  One of them asked me about dreadlocks.  I said, “I dare you.”  And so she became the only person in her school to sport dreads.  That’s my girl.    

Finally the moment you’ve been waiting for: assertive behavior how-tos!    

As you read through each of the following nonverbal behaviors, make a note which way you typically behave: passively, aggressively, or assertively.  Bear in mind that passive aggressive people will usually manifest passive (looking) behavior.  Till they stab you in the back. 

So keep track – you will be a better assertive person for it.  I have installed a cookie on your computer that will tell me whether you did your homework.  So no monkey business.  (Just kidding about the cookie.  Good grief.) 

Posture – Ten-hut! 

     Assertive – everything is squared up and vertical.  Your shoulders are back, and straight, your body plane and face are vertical and you are facing the other person directly.  Oh – you’re also relaxed. 

       Passive – it’s almost as if you want to disappear.  Your shoulders may be hunched, you’re leaning back, turned slightly away from the person you are speaking to.  You might look down or away during a conversation. 

       Aggressive – You may try to make yourself as large and imposing as you can.  Your face may also lean into the other person.  You are communicating a combative posture.  This is useful when being attacked by a cougar but not so good in day to day relations. 

Movements & Gestures – no international sign language please.  

Movements and hand gestures vary with the individual and by culture.  Some people simply do not gesture a lot, while others, like me, “talk with their hands.” 

       Assertive – your hand and body movements are relaxed and fluid; gestures are natural, open and relaxed.  Hands are open, not clenched or wringing each other. 

       Passive – It can vary.  Some people will be slow, barely gesturing at all, as if they’re depressed. Others will fidget and fiddle nervously.  You may wring your hands, like Ron MacLean, the announcer seated next to Don Cherry in the previous blog post.  You may open your hands and extend them outward, palms up, as if you are helpless, defenseless, sad, lonely. 

       Aggressive – hand movements may include pointing, karate chop movements, and the closer they are to the other person the more aggressive is the body language. 

Physical Distance – Watch out for South Africans with long toes.    

       Assertive – In conflict, your distance is about the same as it is when you’re not in conflict. 

       Passive – physical distance is greater than normal.  Add to that a body posture that is partially turned away, and it can almost look like the person is trying to sneak off somewhere. 

       Aggressive – physical space is closer than with most people.  If you add aggressive hand movements and posture you will start wondering where a sneeze shield is. 

Eye Contact

It's that look in your eyes that say you love me

And all the silly things that you do

Those feelings I get whenever you're near me

Tells me you're for me, And I'm the one for you

-- UB40

       Assertive – frequent eye contact but that is broken up by occasional glances horizontally to the side.  Unless you’re in love. 

       Passive – eye contact is usually avoided, and typically downward.  When eye contact is made it’s because the person looks up from a downwardly turned head rather than to hold the face up and look directly. 

       Aggressive – eye contact is usually direct and fixed.  You might feel like you are in a staring contest, and that the first person to look away loses. 

Facial Expression

       Assertive – You’re conveying openness, calmness, and relaxed face muscles.  The facial expression matches the message. 

       Passive – The person may look anxious or apologetic.  They may smile nervously or laugh inappropriately. 

       Aggressive – The face may be tense, the jaw set, the stare fixed, the cheeks red, but not like Santa Claus. 

Physical Contact

This is another of those cultural pieces. 

       Assertive – Your touch is usually gentle and intended to convey empathy. 

       Passive – Touch is minimal, but if used, may communicate, “Please don’t be mad at me,” etc. 

       Aggressive – Short of actual violence, it may look like a jab or a poke, invading personal space.    

Voice Tone

       Assertive – You speak in normal volume, with a well modulated voice, appropriate to the mood and context. 

       Passive – Your voice may be quiet; statements may end with an upturning tone, as if asking a question, e.g., “So, I’d like a raise?” 

       Aggressive – Maybe you shout too much. Volume may be hostile and loud, or cold and unusually quiet, especially with a sarcastic or threatening tone to it.  Others, like Captain Kirk, speak.  As.  If.  Every.  Word.  Is.  Its.  Own.  Sentence! 

William Shatner, "I am Canadian."  

Physical Appearance

More than what specific clothing you wear, the reason for a given outfit, hair style or accessory is what is more important. 

       Assertive – You dress appropriate to the occasion, but with personal expression as well.  The person is neither seeking to be invisible nor to intimidate, or to deliberately over- or under-dress. 

       Passive – You try to blend with the group.  You carefully choose clothes, hair style and accessories or accents that will avoid drawing attention.  Women who have been sexually abused will often wear frumpy clothes to avoid attracting attention to their figure. 

Aggressive – Don Cherry.  Need I say more?  I guess I do.  Back in the 1980s, I used to wear blue jeans to church on purpose.  I used to tell myself that I was doing it so that un-churched people would feel comfortable if they came.  The real reason is that I was rebelling against the social more that stipulated that men shall wear a jacket and tie and women will wear dresses.  Quite the rebel, wasn’t I?  A trend setter -- now everyone does it.  Aggressive dress will choose hair styles, clothing, glasses, facial hair (especially for women) to intimidate others, communicate power, or rebel against custom. 

In reviewing the eight nonverbal dimensions above, which do you tend to gravitate towards: passive, aggressive, or assertive?  Which has the highest number of responses? 

Homework! 

Pick a category and work on it for one week.  It might be one you are weakest in; it might an area you are most interested in developing. 

For example, I chose the way I dress – my physical appearance.  I’m well groomed enough.  I shower daily, brush my teeth, wear clean clothes and put on fresh underwear just in case I am in an accident, like a good boy.  My problem is that I am too casual.  I am a notorious under-dresser.  If I can get away with jeans and a hoodie, I’m in.  So instead of dressing as sloppily as I could get away with, for one week I dressed appropriately, but with an element of style.  Personal flare if you will.  Yes, even tree hugging granola munching – oops – self-effacing humor!  Thank goodness I caught myself, and just in the nick of time.  I dress appropriately now and add a bit of panache, just for the sake of being assertive.  For instance, I do not have to wear a tie to work.  But I do, to be assertive.  Except that I roll up my sleeves and unbutton my top button like my high school disciplinarian Mr. Shiplett for that relaxed, working man, professional look. 

This is a homework assignment that made a lasting impression. 

So, what area would you like to work on? 

For how many days will you work on it?  Will you give it a week? 

Next time: A bonus homework assignment.  Take it to the streets! 

[1] I am heavily indebted to and dependent upon Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook for material.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book.   

The Incredible Visible (Wo)Man – Nonverbal Assertiveness (Part 1 of 2)

One of these men is dressed aggressively... 

"Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying.”

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

This article is twelfth in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 

I was working with someone recently who would not catch the hint.  We share a workspace and a computer. He was very friendly, very chatty.  I wanted to check my email, check the score of the NFL Philadelphia Eagles American football game, and get some peace and quiet.  First I tried the direct, assertive approach: “Hey if I can get in there for a minute, I’d like to check my email.”  He let me take the seat but he kept talking.  I had over 70 emails to wade through.  Initially, to be polite, I turned partly toward him and stopped reading email. Then I realized that he would talk all afternoon. So I turned fully toward the computer monitor and read my email, barely acknowledging his ramblings.  But he merrily rolled along! The man didn’t get it.  He was oblivious to my non-verbal attempts to get him to hush.  Only when I physically left the workspace and accessed a nearby computer did he abate. 

In face to face communication we communicate in two ways: verbally and non-verbally.  Ever have a misunderstanding with someone via email?  Email only engages the verbal means of communication.  Phone calls add voice tone to the communication matrix, but still lack the visual benefit of body language. 

Non-verbal communication includes

• Our posture – there’s a reason your mom told you not to slouch
• Gestures & movements – including international sign language
• Tone of voice – watch your tone with me, young man

Non-verbal communication makes up as much as 85% of our communication in a given situation.  Often our body language completely contradicts our words.  For example, I can’t sit still.  A few years ago there was a conflict in the church I pastored and we had a commission of our governing regional body come in to help mediate the conflict.  During one of the early sessions, while someone was speaking to me, I got up and threw something away.  A commissioner challenged me for what he interpreted as inconsiderate behaviour.  I was still listening to the person, but by turning away from her and walking toward the garbage can I sent the message that what she was saying was not important. 

Our gestures and tone reveal: 

• Our emotional state 
• How we feel about the issue at hand 
• How you feel toward the person with whom you are speaking 
• How important you believe the issue is 
• Your level of confidence and conviction 
• Whether you expect to be taken seriously 
• Whether you see yourself as an equal, superior to, or inferior to the other person(s)

Sometimes our verbal and non-verbal communication send the same message. Sometimes they contradict each other, as they did when I got up to throw out that elephant.  

When our actions -- our body language and tone of voice -- contradict our words, people are more likely to believe our nonverbal communication.  Especially in delicate situations, it’s essential that we pay as much attention to our nonverbal communication as to the words we say.  You may communicate more than you intend, or something completely different than you intend to communicate. 

Aggressive nonverbal communication communicates that you don’t respect others.  Passive nonverbal communication communicates that you don’t respect yourself.  Assertive nonverbal communication tells others that you respect yourself and that you respect others too. 

Next time we’ll get more specific.  We’ll talk about things like posture, eye contact, tone of voice, etc.  But for now, put into your head that body language boils down to your:

• Face plane – imagine a 3x5 card stuck vertically on the end of your nose.  It’s vertical when you look directly at someone; it tilts back when you raise your chin, and it’s tilted forward if you look down at your toes. 
• Body plane – again, this is the imaginary poster board that goes from your hips to your shoulders and is perfectly vertical when you are standing straight.  If you slouch it is angled upward.  If you lean forward it is tilted downward. 

The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.

Obi-Wan Kenobe

• Personal space – this is the imaginary bubble that surrounds you. It surrounds you and penetrates you. And when someone stands really close to you, theirs might penetrate you too.  According to Paterson, personal space varies by culture but in western culture “extends forward from one to two-and-a-half feet and is somewhat less at the back and sides.  It is larger in northern cultures and smaller as you get closer to the equator."  

Next time: Nonverbal Assertiveness (Part 2 of 2)

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[1] I am heavily indebted to and dependent upon Dr. Randy Paterson and his Assertiveness Workbook for material.  If you would like to explore assertiveness skills more deeply, I encourage you to buy his book.  

Final Countdown (Part 2 of 2)

This article is eleventh in a series of 31 blog posts on assertiveness, dating Friday, August 5, 2011 to Monday, April 2, 2012, with a few excursions elsewhere along the way.  Most of the material is based on Dr. Randy Paterson’s Assertiveness Workbook.  There are exercises you can do, either on your own or with a partner – worth the twenty bucks! 

7. Size Matters:  The Bonsai Principle 

When I worked at a restaurant in southern Oregon, USA, our boss had a saying.  He had several sayings actually, but the second best one was KISS – Keep it Simple, Stupid.  There is strength in simplicity and directness.  Less is more.  

Bonsai is a Japanese art form using miniature trees grown in containers.  The purposes of bonsai are primarily contemplation (for the viewer) and the pleasant exercise of effort and ingenuity (for the grower).  There is a beauty and simplicity to bonsai.  

There is a beauty and simplicity to assertive communication (grasshopper).  As with bonsai, with assertiveness, less is more.  Some of us will be tempted to explain ourselves too much, sometimes apologetically, sometimes ad nauseum.  Others of us have trouble coming right out and saying it, so we are indirect, hoping the other person catches the hint.  Conflict avoiders and people accustomed to passive aggressive communication are especially prone to indirect styles of communication (“Gee, I wish somebody would run to the store for me…”).  The most effective way of communicating when trying to do so assertively is to keep it simple.  

Keeping it simple means: 

• Avoid accusations and assessments about character and motives 
• Be dispassionate – leave emotionally charged intonations or words out of it  
• Avoid giving a lot of rationale or explanation 

Simply state your interest directly, neutrally and briefly.  

For example, you might say, “Please empty the dishwasher” instead of, “You never do anything.  Why can’t you be more like your (brother, sister, cat, gerbil). Your (brother, sister, cat, gerbil) does way more than you.  You’re a lazy good for nothing mall rat!  And you smell funny!  The least you can do is empty the dishwasher for crying out loud!”  

See what I mean?  

8. Who’s in Charge?  

When our four children were young, Sue and I rented a pop-up camper for a week-long vacation from hell at the New Jersey Shore.  It was a nightmare.  The nights were sticky, hot and humid.  There was nowhere to hide.  The trip combined the worst of the suburbs with the worst of the woods.  We were backed up against neighbours in a jam-packed campground, many of whom lived there all season long and looked like it.  The only thing more smothering than the people were the mosquitoes.  They were everywhere.  It was the worst of both worlds. 

The passive aggressive style is the worst of both worlds:  you avoid taking responsibility for your own behaviour, but simultaneously try to control others.  The aggressive style assumes you can control others.  The passive style acts with the assumption that others control you. Who is in charge?  You are.  

The assertive style recognizes that 1) I am responsible for myself.  I decide what I will and will not do, and I take responsibility.  I can’t blame my mother and I can’t blame you.  It also recognizes that 2) others are responsible for themselves, not me.  

In a given situation, I do not learn to take charge of the situation as much as I learn to take charge of myself.  Feel the power.  

9. A Word about Humour.  

Be careful about using humour when you first try wearing your new assertive clothes.  While humour can take the edge off an otherwise assertive statement, 

• It best to avoid humour with strangers.  They may not get the joke.  In fact, you may end up flat on your backside.  
• Self-deprecating humour undermines assertive behaviour.  If you are used to being passive, guard against self-deprecating humour.  Don’t put yourself down, even humorously.  
• If the other person is angry, using humour may send the message that you are not taking them seriously.  You may end up flat on your backside.    Again.  
• Be aware that if you are angry or upset, using humour may mask passive aggressive behaviour of your own.  Be careful with sarcasm.  

As I have been finding my footing with assertive behaviour, for the time being I am avoiding the use of humour.  Except with my wife, with whom it works.  Usually.  

10. What Would Bill Do?  – Pick a Role Model 

When I was in college, Bill White was my fraternity brother and on the ski team.  Aside from being an extremely cool guy, Bill was a mad skier.  He raced alpine, he raced cross country, and he ski jumped.  I wanted to learn to cross country ski because I am of Norwegian descent and I decided that since that’s what Norwegians do, that’s what I would do.  One day I watched Bill ski across the frozen Lower Saint Regis Lake, and he was truly art in motion.  So I imitated him.  I learned to ski cross country and ended up being a member of our college’s national championship ski team in 1977.  

Think of two people whose assertive style you admire.  Who are they?  

When you are in a situation, ask yourself, “What would ______ do?”  You may even want to create a wristband with the initials, “W.W.__.D.?” to help you remember.  Wait a second.  Didn’t,,,?  Never mind.  But you get the point.  Imitation is the best form of flattery, and as you imitate assertive people you will become assertive yourself.  

11. Safety First 

Sometimes “it’s better to be a live dog than a dead lion.”  Use wisdom.  If you are in an abusive relationship, you need to get help that is bigger than developing assertiveness skill from a blog or a book.  Violence is not to be trifled with.  Assertiveness in the face of violence may look passive in the moment, but get help later.  If you need help, get help.  

12. A Product of our Culture 

The Assertiveness Workbook, upon which this discussion is based, is written from a North American perspective.  Your mileage may vary.  Assertiveness means different things in different cultures.  Bumping into someone on a crowded street in Asia is normal behaviour.  Bumping into someone in downtown Philadelphia USA could invite a confrontation.  

That said, an element of each of these behaviours – passive, aggressive, passive aggressive, and assertive – probably exists in every culture and people will benefit from developing assertive skills regardless of their cultural background.  See what works for you.  Just don’t get yourself killed.  

Are you ready?  Prepare for liftoff.   Next time:  non-verbal assertiveness.