How to Recognize Bullying: Ways People Play Dirty (2a)

From Jim: This is eighth in a series of seventeen blog posts on workplace bullying and related topics running Monday, July 2, 2012 to Sunday, August 12, 2012.  
Events and people depicted are fictionalized composites from multiple sources.  Any resemblance to actual people or events is purely coincidental.

A pastor comes to a church as an interim.  It is a small, suburban church in Chicago, and people communicate by talking about each other instead of to each other, and through sarcasm. They say they're joking, but in fact they are taking potshots that hurt (in classic passive aggressive style). The leaders don’t trust each other, and the backbiting and cheap shots have found the pastor.  The pastor is so confused he doesn't know whether he’s coming or going, whether to stay or to leave.  The classis gets involved, and – big surprise – their solution is to remove the pastor.  The pastor feels like he is being nipped to death by ducks, little by little, and bit by bit.  There is never one big, deadly bite... just pick-pick-pick.  He's mad at his leaders; he’s mad at the church, he’s mad at classis leaders; he hates to admit it but he’s mad at God, too.  He doesn't know if he wants to be a pastor any more, but he doesn't know what else he'd do.

Ways People Play Dirty (from Negotiating at an Uneven Table, Phyllis Beck Kritek, Jossey-Bass, 1994):

·         Praise and Flattery

People in a position of power are seen as having expertise in their field.  Subordinates may seek to level the playing field by feeding the leader’s ego/need for approval.  By flattering them, others seek to gain influence and control.  Praise and flattery can look like legitimate affirmation, leaving the flatterer appearing to be virtuous and kind when in fact they are trying to control. 

·         Lying and Deception

We usually think of lying and deception as the active distortion of truth. It can also be just as deceptive to withhold needed information or to frame information in such a way as to achieve a desired outcome.  I once worked with a woman who would quote others using the words they had used but so flagrantly changing the tone of the words that she completely misrepresented what had been said. 

If a person in authority reveals a weakness or vulnerability, the bully might attack that weakness in an attempt to further destabilize the authority figure.  They might agree with them to their face, and then disagree behind their back as soon as they are gone.  They might exaggerate, be catastrophic in their thinking, or use hyperbole. 

·         Helpfulness and Generosity

Helpfulness and generosity look virtuous, but if the motive is to manipulate someone, it is a form of deception.  It becomes transactional.  There are strings attached: an IOU.  It’s all in the motive.  Acts of kindness are not random at all; they are calculated actions designed to evoke a return, to get others to “owe you.”  Kritek goes so far as to say, “Many religious systems support this artifice, while failing to explore the deceit implicit in the process.  We have been bargaining with one or another god for many centuries… The artifice of the manipulator becomes the currency of the exchange.” 

·         Trickery and Secret Deals

These are back door agreements that are intended to influence the outcome.  For example, church leaders hold secret meetings behind the pastor’s back in order to determine a course of action that bears directly on him or her.  These are often excused as necessary.  A Baptist pastor challenged an ostensibly neutral deacon on this once, and his reply was, “Well you have to talk.”  When treachery and secret deals become the norm, the culture of the workplace has shifted toxic.  If integrity and open communication are not protected and fostered at every level, where does it stop? 

·         Attacking and Threatening

This form of manipulation is instantly recognizable, and in that sense is, at least, honest.  It confronts the dominant power by direct assault.  It also increases the conflict, the damage, the potential for damage, and the unpredictability of the outcome.  One mutiny among church leadership was so flagrant that it backfired.  The mutineers lost face, lost their battle, and resigned, ashamed and embarrassed. 

Attacking can be more subtle too, often by women, and especially when it is used to attack the character or personality of the leader in order to undermine his/her credibility and standing.  When sustained over time, it erodes the target's self-confidence.  When they begin to doubt themselves the battle is half won.  Add the weapons of fear, guilt, slander, defamation, rumour, innuendo and lies and the damage can be quite real. 

Next time: Ways People Dirty (2b)

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