Why Me?

From Jim: This is sixth in a series of seventeen blog posts on workplace bullying and related topics running Monday, July 2, 2012 to Sunday, August 12, 2012.  

A priest resigns from a church because the vestry is eager believe the worst about any gossip or slander that is spoken about him or his wife. They hold meetings and interrogate the couple in order “to get at the truth" about the lies being told. Some of the leaders are starting the very rumours they are interrogating him over. He leaves. He doesn't pastor full-time again for two years.

Almost immediately after he starts at the new church, in a town more than a hundred miles away, in different part of the country, someone from the old church starts posting malicious comments about him on an online gossip website. They defame him (even stealing his identity and posting under his name). They say he has a drinking problem, that he has been arrested for domestic assault, and more.

Pastor contacts the bishop in his diocese as well as the one he left. Bishop contacts the people's warden in the old church, and the problem stops, briefly. Then it starts up again, but the pastor suffers a nervous breakdown, and can't deal with this any more. He is thankful to be recovering, but he doesn’t want to add any more stress to his or his wife's lives.

How do bullies select their targets?

·    bullies are predatory and opportunistic - you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time; this is always the main reason - investigation will reveal a string of predecessors, and you will have a string of successors

·    being good at your job, often excelling

·    being popular with people (colleagues, customers, clients, pupils, parents, patients, etc.)

·    more than anything else, the bully fears exposure of his/her inadequacy and incompetence; your presence, popularity and competence unknowingly and unwittingly fuel that fear

·    being the expert and the person to whom others come for advice, either personal or professional (i.e. you get more attention than the bully)

·    having a well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise

·    having a strong sense of integrity (bullies despise integrity, for they have none, and seem compelled to destroy anyone who has integrity)

·    showing independence of thought or deed

·    Jealousy (of relationships and perceived exclusion therefrom) and envy (of talents, abilities, circumstances or possessions) are strong motivators of bullying.

When can Bullying start?

·    the previous target leaves (when the bullies remain)

·    there's a reorganization

·    a new leader is appointed

·    your performance unwittingly highlights, draws attention to, exposes or otherwise invites unfavourable comparison with the bully's lack of performance (the harder you work to address the bully's claims of under-performance, the more insecure and unstable the bully becomes)

·    you may have unwittingly become the focus of attention whereas before, the bully was the centre of attention (this often occurs with female bullies) - most bullies are emotionally immature and thus crave attention

·    obvious displays of affection, respect or trust from co-workers

·    refusing to obey an order which violates rules, regulations, procedures, or is illegal

·    blowing the whistle on incompetence, immorality, malpractice, fraud, illegality, breaches of procedure, breaches of health & safety regulations, etc.

·    suffering illness or injury, whether work related or not

·    challenging the status quo, especially unwittingly

·    gaining recognition for your achievements, e.g. winning an award or being publicly recognised

·    gaining a promotion

What personality traits push bullies' buttons (as opposed to pushing belly buttons)?

·    popularity (this stimulates jealousy in the less-than-popular bully)

·    competence (this stimulates envy in the less-than-competent bully)

·    intelligence and intellect

·    honesty and integrity (which bullies despise)

·    you're trustworthy, trusting, conscientious, loyal and dependable

·    a well-developed integrity which you're unwilling to compromise

·    you're always willing to go that extra mile and expect others to do the same

·    successful, tenacious, determined, courageous, having fortitude

·    a sense of humour, including displays of quick-wittedness

·    imaginative, creative, innovative

·    idealistic, optimistic, always working for improvement and betterment of self, family, the employer, and the world

·    ability to master new skills

·    ability to think long term and to see the bigger picture

·    sensitivity (this is a constellation of values to be cherished including empathy, concern for others, respect, tolerance etc.)

·    slow to anger

·    helpful, always willing to share knowledge and experience

·    giving and selfless

·    diligent, industrious

·    one or more vulnerabilities

·    tolerant

·    strong sense of honour

·    irrepressible, wanting to tackle and correct injustice wherever you see it

·    attributing importance and validity to other people's opinions of oneself (e.g. through tests, exams, appraisals, manager's feedback, etc.)

·    low propensity to violence (i.e. you prefer to resolve conflict through dialogue rather than through violence or legal action)

·    a strong forgiving streak (which the bully exploits and manipulates to dissuade you from taking grievance and legal action)

·    a desire to always think well of others

·    being incorruptible, having high moral standards which you are unwilling to compromise

·    being unwilling to lower standards

·    a strong well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise or abandon

·    high expectations of those in authority and a dislike of incompetent people in positions of power who abuse power

·    a strong sense of fair play and a desire to always be reasonable

·    high coping skills under stress, especially when the injury to health becomes apparent

·    a tendency to internalise anger rather than express it

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