How to Recognize Bullying: Ways People Play Dirty (2b)

From Jim: This is ninth in a series of seventeen blog posts on workplace bullying and related topics running Monday, July 2, 2012 to Sunday, August 12, 2012.  
Events and people depicted are fictionalized composites from multiple sources.  Any resemblance to actual people or events is purely coincidental.

A man has been trying to get rid of his pastor for fifteen years. He tells lies about the pastor and calls up the Bible college with a list of complaints about his son.  He singlehandedly prevents the pastor's son from doing a college internship at the church. 

·         Obeisance

Obeisance is deferential respect, it is submission, compliance, obedience, but here, it is done for inside control.  The obeisant manipulator pretends to be supportive, but does so to get something out of the deal, or to influence the leader.  Obeisance engages the leader over time, gets his or her ear continually, and has his or her ear as well.  It pretends support but uses the leader to gain its own influence.  In Lord of the Rings, Grima Wormtongue embodies the demonic influence of an obeisant servant to Théoden. 

·         Deliberate Stupidity

When all else fails, you can simply not get it.  When I was being trained in evangelism in the 1980s, after reviewing the basic gospel presentation with a recent church visitor, I asked, as trained, “Does this make sense to you?” The person said that no, it did not.  Then I committed a fatal Evangelism Explosion error.  Instead of reviewing step by step the gospel, I asked, “What doesn’t make sense?”  His answer?  “Nothing!”  Fortunately we were able to salvage the conversation (if not redeem the soul).  If you don’t get it, you don’t have to take responsibility for it. 

·         Cuteness and Flirtatiousness

You can get more with honey than with vinegar, and it knows no gender.  If you can’t get Samson by his great strength, maybe you can get him through his weakness for women.  It can include humour, cleverness, wittiness, flattery, flirtation and seduction.  Subtly delivered, it can be a form of manipulation that touches deeply at a person’s vulnerability.  Rather than to focus on the issues, cuteness and flirtation attempt to distract and disarm, by accessing our need for intimacy.  In someone already targeted by bullies, they can be especially vulnerable. 

·         Perseverating

If a bank teller, store clerk, or customer service representative is resisting your wishes, speak slowly, and go into a lot of detail.  Soon they will want to get rid of you enough that you will have worn them out.  That’s perseverating.  Church governmental structures that are framed by Robert’s Rules of Order invite perseveration. 

I once witnessed a discussion on the floor of presbytery over whether to allow a candidate an exception to the recreational clause in the Westminster Standards. For you non-Presbyterian types unfamiliar with the jargon, it basically boils down to whether the Sabbath day, which is to be spend in “holy resting” all day has room for a bike ride with the kids or watching a football game.  
If a candidate for the ministry takes exception, and believes the Bible doesn’t forbid a little recreation on the Sabbath he must declare it up front, and his presbytery decides whether to allow the exception.  Nit picky to you?  Not to some Presbyterians.  Anyway, debate continued ad nauseum over this issue, and the examination of this candidate turned into a soapbox for those holding a stricter view of the Sabbath to perseverate.  Finally, a good-sense brother called for a vote.  The final vote?  50-2, in favour of allowing the man to claim that exception, allowing a little fun on Sunday. 

Someone who is perseverating doggedly persists in voicing his or her position, as a tactic, to wear out the opposition. You just continue to bring up the issue to wear out the competition.  There’s nothing godly about it. 

·         Withholding

Withholding denies the target the resources necessary to do their job.  It may simply involve withholding one’s participation in organizational activities.  A church counsel decides to get rid of their pastor so they refuse to meet.  When a pastor acts as whistleblower to immorality in a church leader, the influential family boycotts the church and through secret deals campaigns for his ouster till he is forced to resign. It may include passivity, non-involvement, absence, and refusal to participate.  It may involve changing the locks on the doors, withholding pay.  Because it is passive in its aggressiveness, the person(s) doing it can claim innocence.  It is anything but innocent. 

But spells can be broken: 

Have a story?  Email me. 

Adapted from Negotiating at an Uneven Table, Phyllis Beck Kritek, Jossey-Bass, 1994)