The Trajectory of Bullying (Part 2 of 2)

Images courtesy of www.nobullyforme.org

From Jim: This is the fourth in a series of seventeen blog posts on workplace bullying and related topics running Monday, July 2, 2012 to Sunday, August 12, 2012.  

The players expand to include the regional association of ministers and lay leaders: the synod.  Pastor wants to trust the system.  He wants to trust God.  He is part of a denomination precisely because he believes in accountability, and he believes God works through his people.

Pastor sees his doctor, who diagnoses him as depressed.    He puts him on anti-depressants and refers him to a psychiatrist and a counselor.  Turns out he has PTSD too.  Let the treatment begin.

But bullying isn't even on the radar screen of his synod leaders.  Every one is busy with their own churches, and as well intentioned as they are (and they are well intentioned), no one has any real expertise.  They want to be fair, but  to them fairness means slap all wrists equally.  Blame the target as much as the bullies.  Make sure there's enough responsibility to go around.  To suggest someone is a bully would be to impugn their character.  They just don't get it.

But he's trusting in God so he submits to the process.  At the end of the day denominational leaders relieve the pastor of his charge.  He loses his job.  He's too damaged to pastor, and five years into ministry, with a young family to support, he hits the bullseye of the statistical average for ministry.   The majority of pastors leave the ministry for good after just five years.  Now he needs a job, but what he really needs is to heal.

This is when the lab rat behaviour peaks.  He rarely leaves the house.  He cleans and does laundry, day after day.  He wonders if maybe he needs a complete change of scenery, but when he travels, he's overwhelmed with anxiety and just wants to return home.  His shrink says give it time.

But he needs a job.  The mere thought of a job interview fills him with anxiety.  "How do I even look for a job?" he asks.  He tries to tell his story to a prospective employer but breaks down in tears in the middle of the interview.  He needs to heal.

He sees an elder's wife at the store and his stomach wrenches into knots.  He ducks down an aisle hoping she doesn't see him.  He prays that God will to do to them what they did to him.  Forgiving them is not even a thought.

He lands a job in the warehouse of a courier company, loading trucks at four in the morning.  He feels surrounded by strong personalities and he stutters when he tries to join in the conversation.  He feels like he has a target on his back.  His wife is tired of encouraging him.  She has problems of her own with small mouths to feed and little money to do it.  She wants to go home to her family.

He learns a co-worker applied for the same job he got.  He wonders aloud to his boss, will he try to sabotage me?  The boss hesitates.  It isn't long before the co-worker tries to make him the fall guy for some petty infraction.

That experience alone brings back a flood of emotions out of proportion to the issue.  He has found another bully -- or at least an aggressive personality -- and it's bringing everything back all over again.  He retreats to his car till he regains composure.

At least by now he has some tools to stand up for himself.  He will face the bear, because after all, you don't run away from a bear.  You talk to it like it's your grandma.

Months go by before he begins to feel anything like his former self.  Slowly, the fog seems to lift.  He notices a sunny day.  He's finding his backbone again.  He can sleep at night.

Now and then he wonders about lost years and missed opportunities.  He shakes his head when he thinks of the church that might have been.  People say they want God but what they really want is to feel good about themselves.

But that's in God's hands now.  And so is he.  "Hey God, I gave you my life fifteen years ago when I was a teenager.  If this is what you want to do with it, I think you're crazy, but that's not my problem."

He's stronger now.  He knows first hand:
...that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28 

He doesn't know what form ministry will take for him, but nothing has changed.  He knows why he's here.  They can't take that from him.

Every now and then he feels a shooting pain in his heart, like an old injury on a damp day.  But he's at peace in a way he's never been, more centred.  He's a better man now, and he wouldn't trade that for anything.